Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Point of no mistake


I try to learn from others but so far other people's stories remain more entertaining than edifying. It seems I have to experience hardship and learn various lessons myself.

Don't get me wrong, Diary, just because I know doesn't keep me from trying. I can't be experiencing ALL the hardship, after all. I just realized I used my first name to the fullest, with most faith, when I was 12, and I can't use it any more. I used my first alias for something I believed in, only it turns out I was half believing it, so I wasted it. I used my second alias to explore this whole new world, learned a couple of lessons fast, and wasted it again. Now I'm at the point of no mistake. I learned rapid iteration early on and I learned how to abandon mistakes, but I have to contain the mistakes in a controllable context from now. So many things are set and can't be changed no more - I'm all set. My life is actually complete, all that is left is realization, actualization and materialization. The human part of me will surprise myself sometimes, but I feel like a machine.

It is this way because it has to be this way.

​I must remember that .

I revisited something today. It's an old game. I didn't get it at the time when I first played it, I don't know if I could understand it if I tried. Now I know it's made for some peers and not a broader audience. What does it say when something you had difficulty understanding but looked up to became juvenile in 10 years? 10 years is too short. It failed. It is shocking to me, in a quiet way .  This is the truth about people. I suppose only those who can consistently impress us live on - which is fair.

I'm rambling a bit, sorry.

I don't want to see flaws, weak points, whatever. I'm the sort of person who abandons everything as soon as a critical error is found, whether it's in others or in myself. My tolerance for mistake lowers every day. I have no selfhood anymore. I live for an objectivity. That's what I realized. I have abandoned 6 selves. Relationships, histories, altogether. I do believe this is righteous and more importantly, right.  Will chasing an objectivity hinder my ability to make random, irrational actions? Will I lose my humanity because of that? No. I don't exist between objectivity and subjectivity, I'm on the extreme polar ends. The middle is completely empty. Do you know what that means?

Cold hard facts and pure fantasy. Any fluid emotions and moral laxity will become hardened and tightened over time. Is this how people grow old?

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