Tuesday, May 29, 2018
So I don't forget.
I cried yesterday, for no reason at all... no hear me out, I'm not hysterical. I just imagined this scenario while I was reading a story. I imagined that I saved about a hundred people when I could've saved 10 more. And a grandma (whom I saved) was delivered to me by the president to tell me how grateful she was, and how much she missed her son/grandson (whom I did not save). I just broke down in tears. I know, it's as absurd as it sounds. I believe it's my 2nd cry of this year. I cry about 3 times each year so I suppose there is another one coming. Watch out for that.
So it seems I can cry on demand, or should I say, this bodily response... I don't know if it's a "response" anymore- has nothing to do with reality. Afterward I thought it's like a woman's way of "cleaning the pipes". There is no meaning to tears anymore. I mean, what sort of person does not shed a tear when her grandfather (1) died but cries so "truthfully" in an imaginary scenario?
It doesn't make sense. I know we make ourselves feel things all the time. I even know a lot of people cry for no reason like this. But I don't like it. Honestly, it kind of bothers me.
I saw it as a detox because I'd read some pretty horrible things that day. Anyways Diary. I'm fine. My mental state is fine lol. I love summer, it's great. A lot of stuff is happening. It's cool.
But the recovery wasn't pretty. I certainly don't need to make me cry one more time.
at May 29, 2018