Wednesday, April 4, 2018

What I've learned

A freak accident happened yesterday. So I tweeted the fan art at FC5 official account, but whoever runs it just simply won't retweet. It's so bizarre because they have retweeted a very shitty one before, and that person is actually using it for publicity to get work. And by the quality of their doodle it's apparent that they won't get any work. I, on the other hand, turn down studio offers regularly, and I'm using my private account indistinguishable from a perfectly innocent random fuckboy and I spent about 4 hours on it just out of love. I can only assume the asswipe @FarCrygame is jealous of my talent, because let's face it, what else can it be? I can't be offended bc they know nothing about me. The only fact on the table is they saw I made that and realized they're so talent-free that they are running a twitter account. It's no mystery.

What's bad is I've spent over 10 hours on this thing and I can't afford to keep it up anymore. You have to know that translates to at least six thousand dollars. In the process of trying to get some justice I discovered again that I don't belong to any gaming community. I've discovered that I actually have very little in common with others who play this game, in fact it feels weird that we all like the same game. But clearly I was the odd one out. Because, the truth is, I haven't played the game at all, and I probably never will. I watched the full Cutscene movie on YouTube several times and that's it. It's impossible for me sink 40+ hours in a FPS anymore, just ducking and grinding. So yeah, I liked the story and the visuals, but I'm not even a player. So I don't see the point even if it's shared a thousand times (at least). The art is superior and deserves to be shared, but in spirit, there is no point in sharing or connecting with those people. So I'm OK with that.

But the lesson is, right, that I gotta stop doing stupid stuff like this. In 2011 or 2012 I swore to not do any more fan art, because it's totally, absolutely asinine to waste time glorifying someone else's creation, and I've broken that oath twice since then. They're actually both very recent. It's a matter of principle, Diary. The same principle that makes me not want to work to bring other people's vision to life. I hate earning a salary and if you recall what I said earlier, I assign meaning and significance to whom and where I get my money from. If someone pays me to work for them, I mean not only is "working for someone" bad enough because I have bigger things to manage and I can only do it for fun in secret, the pay will never be enough. Whereas other incomes have no ceiling (hence I lost at least an arbitrary $6000). All of this while art is only a side-thing for me, a passion. Not the main thing.

I also said earlier this week that getting a reply from someone who's worked on the game made me feel good, and that I want to go out there and be a fan. But that isn't true, is it. I really should stick to why I initially joined Twitter, to contact customer service and not have to wait in queue on my phone, and to watch controversial figures give their takes on current event.

One or two years ago I told someone there that I was a freelance concept artist and an indie dev, none of that is true. That's the lowest I can go. I like them and have a lot of respect for them, but there is no way for me to update this information. I mean. If I'm too good to work with big studios... I... I'll put it this way. I literally have to dumb down for this quick and fun thing so my skill barely shows and my style is unrecognizable. The truth is most artists in games and films industry are highly replaceable. They follow guidelines and best practices and the producer and art directors don't often give them too much creative freedom. People think Yoji Shinkawa has a signature style on MGS, but he derived it from somewhere else and that style is actually quite common. I respect people who left the industry and go do their own thing, but I was never about drawing those cookie-cutter characters or comps or matte or what-have-you, you know? 

I mean, you know me, so I'm not going to explain anymore. Why would I purposefully degrade my art for a game I haven't even played just to appeal to a fanbase or dev I'm unfamiliar with?

Another lesson is, as always, marketing, or social popularity is key nowadays. I should've learned that long ago. Being good is never enough. You simply cannot expect to get attention just because your skill is superior. This isn't the Renaissance. No.

So in all honestly, I hope learning... or in this case, confirming... repeating these lessons makes this freak incident worthwhile. I gotta believe that. Needlessly to say I will never break the oath again. Every time I watched one of them "SFM clips" I thought about how much better I could make them easily, but I was aware it's the same mindset. In that case what's stopping me is I'm utterly not attracted to those featured characters. Now I must remember: I MUST NOT waste time doing things just because I'm good at it and there is apparently a demand or audience for it. Actually I think I've made this same mistake too many times now and today it MUST come to an end. There is a lot of money and recognition to be made elsewhere. I'm on track. I MUST NOT get distracted.

Oh I forgot to say, my neckbeard phase has already ended. 3 days, it lasted even shorter than the 200-lb-man phase, which went on for about 2 weeks- 1 month, I think, in high school.

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