Sunday, April 1, 2018

The Last Joke Was Told In 2017

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I can't believe I went on a non-date with someone on April 1 on purpose just so I wouldn't feel sick afterward if it didn't go well. And it didn't go well. I mean it went OK. Dude kept staring at my face, like nonstop staring. If the person you are staring @ from across the table starts looking elsewhere and checking their phone you should get the hint, right? No. But that was that. A good guy I'm sure, I just can't take it. Every time someone stares at me I feel it burning on my cheeks.

I have such horrible experience with people I first met online. It's OK, I stopped trying.

Oh I'm not getting a cat. What was I thinking? It restrains my movement too much. It's not like I'm a guy and I have a wife and she can look after it when I'm gone. I feel like the minute I get a cat I'll start craving traveling, and that's sad.

I feel sick. It's the cheesecake. It's the one I messed up but didn't toss away. I can never get it thick enough so the last time I stuck it in the oven and I baked it. And eating it makes me sick. I should've tossed it out the other day. Yeah, I'll throw it out.

No Diary. I don't care what day today is, April Fool's (ain't that every day), Easter, whatever, it has nothing to do with me. But Diary, listen. My form of existence is in crisis. Attention. Audience. I start to think that maybe I do care after all. I mean, I know what's right, I know what's most optimal, but what's in it for me? I mean, I'm being too selfless. Way too selfless. It's the wise thing to do, but wisdom has nothing to do with it. It's the little human part of me who wants some piece of it. Is that sad? Is that pathetic? Is that wrong? How long can I keep this up?

It's always good to have your reputation precede you. I knew that before I "learned" that from observation. The better way yet is to not let anyone know the lesser parts of you, you know, the normal, ordinary, boring little tidbits. I don't know about that. It's dangerous. It's a dangerous leap. One of those leaps that once you took you can never come back. That's why I've been careful. But I've been too careful. I've been too careful for 5 whole years, and that's scary.

I can only continue on this path if I don't have a plan for some other way. Currently I don't.

God I feel really sick.

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