Wednesday, April 25, 2018

blue hours

Diary:

My arms are so sore from doing chores which includes cooking. How the hell am I always spending hours in the kitchen? How come the fresh quiche's skin is tough? I used the pastry flour, it should be puff, right? But it's harder than usual. I don't understand.

I hate that almost 1/4 of my food goes to waste. I simply can't eat that fast that much. Things spoil too quickly no matter the time of the year. I have to think of myself as a toddler, diet wise. I even have baby food I bought some months ago because I thought, oh well, that might be it.

Think of it this way, Diary. I am a grown adult who needs only 20cl water and 400g food / day. Now that 20cl has got to be milk, juice, alcohol and water all combined. How the fuck do you divide that? I can't even have coffee. I haven't had coffee in a while. And the 400g of food, it's fruit, meat, carbs, all combined. I eat any more and it just becomes waste. My body is simply too efficient. I reckon I need less than 1000 calories / day for 10 hours of work. So you see, given that, of course I want to make every meal as exquisite as possible. But busting my ass in the kitchen for hours for a few bites of food is... I don't know which is worse. Maybe there is a middle ground. I don't see it but there must be.

On the flip side, I get tired so easily, Diary, from doing any amount of chores, and this isn't something food can help with, only sleep and shower. I walked 300m to a copisteria today and I felt so unwell when I came back. I am so dust and germ-averse, you have no idea.

The shop down there is for rent ( I saw it coming ) and the apartment across the street is for sale.

I get distracted so easily, too, but I know I can fix it. Now I am very well aware that it is because I speak 5 languages. I constantly dive into those cultural spheres, like the top sites of every culture/country that I can read, try to understand their humor, know the current stuff, get their take, etc. etc. It's too distracting. Whenever I see B mentioned in A, I instinctively go search in B for related information, and I can't help but analyze the correlation... any discrepancy in the report. I know people do that even if they only speak 1 language, they might still cross-check reference, etc. and it's a huge waste of time. Imagine that times 5, of course. I can't be keeping track of the top everything happening everywhere (even though I really, really want to). But just the fact I am able to jump everywhere makes it so habitual and tempting. Like " this is what internet is for " . Stop that .

OK Diary. You have 5x in some things, but still 1x the time as everyone. I have to be more selective. I can't pretend I don't have those skills, because I do, and I must use them all, so the only solution is to get the very best in every one so that 5x comes to 1x time spent as everyone else. But in actuality this is only language, so I more or less can only focus on the top one or two publications everywhere. I have to be more picky. I always have to. It's already happened a lot. It's the only way. I like clarity, I just hope physically my body can keep up. 

I'll get some rest tomorrow.

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