Saturday, April 28, 2018


I scrubbed myself clean this morning. I don't know why I felt so filthy, I'm such a clean freak now. My neck is a little better now, too. Anyhow, I feel fresh. And I tried on Penhaligon's Coveted Duchess Rose and I'm just... I'm just smitten. I get her.

Fragrance is kind of like drugs to me, I guess.

A horror story: when I was in boot camp in 7th grade, I was sleeping in bunk bed in this dorm with probably at least ten other girls. And I would look up and stare at the light (I do stupid things like that) and I can never forget that there was a dead mouse in there. You can see the shape clearly. Till this day I cannot figure out how did it get in there. Do mice scale walls? So someone must have put it there. But why. Why. Why would anyone put a mouse in the light in a military base.

But the part that has to do with fragrance is, our dorm was next to the shared bathroom. It stank. My bunk bed was close to the door too so it stank even more. Someone, one of the girls, had the foresight to bring perfume to the boot camp. We were 12-13. To this day I'm still in awe of her. Like, she's attending a boot camp, and she came prepared with a bottle of fragrance. I mean, I just... I only see it now. But back then she would spray a lot of it around the door area so it would cover up the stink that's coming from the toilet and the result is actually a mix of both. It was a very, very putrid and unforgettable smell. It kind of ruined that particular flavor of rose for me. I haven't considered anything rose ever since... until today. The Coveted Duchess Rose kind of restored my faith in rose scent a little bit.

But that girl was so great though. I feel like she's more mature than all of us.  Like, how did she just know.  It was just incredible. I would've never thought of that. Props to her.

I've really been through a lot, Diary.


It's my second Cirque du Soleil show and I must say I love a good circus. I'm sore that I didn't see them in any of the times I was in Vegas ( I didn't even see David Copperfield ) , but this is good stuff. This one is less remarkable than the one in Andorra, but that could be just how fast I've become absorbed with it all.

You wouldn't be able to enjoy shows like this if you aren't in the city. True. But I also don't have to put up with transit. I forgot to wear perfume today and in the metro I had a difficult time holding my breath. I'm smelling my hair right now and it's kind of... sour. I might need to learn to drive, after all. Now that I think about it, self-driving cars are entirely unreliable. I'm going to drive a vintage car. Driving a stick, what they say. No wait. Not driving a stick... I'm sure they can modify a vintage car so that it's automatic. I know nothing about cars... this can wait.

​What was the other thing I wanted to talk to you about... yeah, I'm sure now there is a group of people that's anti-Amazon aka like me. I buy thing exclusively not-on-Amazon. I have so many good reasons. I'm really sure there are people who understand that and try to do the same. I also have no trust in brands who market mainly on social media.

I have white t shirts too. What I said the other day. It's just that I don't wear them out. They're my underwear / lounge wear.

I'm not going to Italy this year. I'm not going to Russia for the next Heroes concert. And I'm not going to Poland (again) for the game music festival. They all sound fun but... I'm honestly tired. I'd rather focus on work.

I've also been trying really hard to have sex with Gin in the past few days. It's been so long, but I think I'm still best attuned to Maya. The good thing is once I have a based model (rigged), I can expand into a full cast. The second person I'm considering is Jotaro. This is where I discover that most guys I like are fully clothed and wearing hat. I don't even want to see them naked. Nudity puts me off for some reason. I think it's pretty hot when you have sex while wearing clothes, which probably all people irl are against, so it will never happen in reality. I think it's probably uniqueness. Naked bodies all look the same to me- within the same body type, I mean.

I don't know. I'm really, really fond of uniqueness. That's why I'm into characters who don't have excessive development. That way they stay unique and leave some room for imagination.

Why is it that anime & manga always make hot & cool guys wear those two key color codes- that shade of green and that shade of purple?

You gotta be hot and you gotta be cool.

Some books bore me so I deleted them. I tried to finish Dumb Beast & Dead Philosophers, it's actually well written, like I want to finish it, but I don't think I can. Some day, maybe. Right now I want to focus on profiles, if you know what I mean. It's one account, yeah, but it's somewhere to start. It's better than all these distractions.

I thought about attending a yoga class but I don't like the yoga instructor bending my stiff frame. Like it's so embarrassing. Those yoga instructors are probably my age and while they're soft as a boiled noodle I'm probably hard as a... a dry noodle? No, forget about it. There is no way I'm signing up in a gym and be like a hamster either so I guess I'll just do 100 sit-ups / day or something. If I were in Barceloneta I'd go jog on the beach. I still can, but the jog would be to and from Barceloneta.

God, I don't have that kind of time.

Thursday, April 26, 2018

neck is going to snap

I woke up today with a crippling neck pain. It hurts so much every time I bend it back and look at the ceiling. God. My neck is going to snap... right?

Anyhow, there was too much noise out there today, the rest of my body is in pain as well. But now it's late and they can't do it anymore. I'm not cut out for the city, man. I can't take it. Good God. Everything is SO LOUD. I gave it a shot, a fair shot. Just like I gave it a fair amount of time to be with my parents for the last time, this is a fair shot for city living. I have no doubt in my mind any more. No matter how cool they depict it in movies, I just don't care now. I know it fully well. Once I leave the city in 1 1/2 years, I'm never looking back.

Life is long, Diary, but also short. I have to ask... would God continue observing our foolery... or be left in peace ?

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Can I solve a murder case ?

The city ajuntament is looking for a man in this building. Something to do with an illegal airbnb rental? I get it, this is a highly coveted area. But what if it's a murder case? I mean on a completely unrelated note. What if there is actually an active murder case- can I solve it?

I saw some people running when the truck attack happened last year. I paid my condolences after - but that case wasn't really "solvable", you know? Even terrorist attacks are solvable, but I'm clueless when it comes to religion-motivated ones. Not that I don't get religion, I don't get religious people, if that makes any sense.

Anyways, it's just laughable to me that people out there actually believe bullshit "surveys" that find "Norwegians to be the happiest people on the planet", "Swedes to be the most progressive" etc. etc. Who believes that? Those countries have to buy reports like that to make themselves feel better. How come every common idiot thinks it's paradise over there? Good Golly, most Swedes I come across are just average human beings and almost all Swedes I read about and come in indirect contact with are some sort of delinquent. This one, too. Boy, these people think they're immune from whatever others have to abide because they possess that fake reputation. They love breaking rules and they think they're so special. I don't get it. Hope the city ajuntament catch that Swede guy.

Can I solve a murder case? I don't know. Most cases aren't laid out like you read in books or see on screens. There is actually one case that I want to solve, the case I told you about. But it's more about the fear that girls like me are being kidnapped and murdered. I guess every girl faces that danger. To wear heels that make it hard to run is suicidal- even if it only happens 0.1% of the time. I don't know.

Every girl... every girl... what are we doing?

The webinar is going to start. I'll tell you about it after... maybe.

blue hours


My arms are so sore from doing chores which includes cooking. How the hell am I always spending hours in the kitchen? How come the fresh quiche's skin is tough? I used the pastry flour, it should be puff, right? But it's harder than usual. I don't understand.

I hate that almost 1/4 of my food goes to waste. I simply can't eat that fast that much. Things spoil too quickly no matter the time of the year. I have to think of myself as a toddler, diet wise. I even have baby food I bought some months ago because I thought, oh well, that might be it.

Think of it this way, Diary. I am a grown adult who needs only 20cl water and 400g food / day. Now that 20cl has got to be milk, juice, alcohol and water all combined. How the fuck do you divide that? I can't even have coffee. I haven't had coffee in a while. And the 400g of food, it's fruit, meat, carbs, all combined. I eat any more and it just becomes waste. My body is simply too efficient. I reckon I need less than 1000 calories / day for 10 hours of work. So you see, given that, of course I want to make every meal as exquisite as possible. But busting my ass in the kitchen for hours for a few bites of food is... I don't know which is worse. Maybe there is a middle ground. I don't see it but there must be.

On the flip side, I get tired so easily, Diary, from doing any amount of chores, and this isn't something food can help with, only sleep and shower. I walked 300m to a copisteria today and I felt so unwell when I came back. I am so dust and germ-averse, you have no idea.

The shop down there is for rent ( I saw it coming ) and the apartment across the street is for sale.

I get distracted so easily, too, but I know I can fix it. Now I am very well aware that it is because I speak 5 languages. I constantly dive into those cultural spheres, like the top sites of every culture/country that I can read, try to understand their humor, know the current stuff, get their take, etc. etc. It's too distracting. Whenever I see B mentioned in A, I instinctively go search in B for related information, and I can't help but analyze the correlation... any discrepancy in the report. I know people do that even if they only speak 1 language, they might still cross-check reference, etc. and it's a huge waste of time. Imagine that times 5, of course. I can't be keeping track of the top everything happening everywhere (even though I really, really want to). But just the fact I am able to jump everywhere makes it so habitual and tempting. Like " this is what internet is for " . Stop that .

OK Diary. You have 5x in some things, but still 1x the time as everyone. I have to be more selective. I can't pretend I don't have those skills, because I do, and I must use them all, so the only solution is to get the very best in every one so that 5x comes to 1x time spent as everyone else. But in actuality this is only language, so I more or less can only focus on the top one or two publications everywhere. I have to be more picky. I always have to. It's already happened a lot. It's the only way. I like clarity, I just hope physically my body can keep up. 

I'll get some rest tomorrow.

Tuesday, April 24, 2018


It's the same lesson: if you're casual in the beginning, you're going to suffer in the process and in the end .

If God Loves Me, then I don't have to pay attention to those whom God Doesn't Love - it's what I think

Monday, April 23, 2018

Sizing Chart

It's pretty amazing I can fit into these "S" Guess pants now. Well they're sweatpants so I guess for sure.

Young girls are wearing white t shirts all over the place. I had to read Tim Gunn's fashion book in college to understand the appeal. If it was up to me... no wait, it is up to me, I would never wear t shirts. Those United States have produced many wonders and things to strive for, but only in recent years I discovered how hard I reject some of its culture. Much like how I loathe Nordic myth, this rejection is unbiased, unshakable, genuine, pure and comes from the bottom of my heart. I hate pop music, I hate most TV shows and movies Hollywood's ever produced (that I've seen ofc), I really hate anything western (I want to throw up whenever I see cowboy boots), I hate country music, I hate how similar those cities look, I hate Target and Walmart and JCPenney and Home Depot, I hate Macy's, I hate Sam's Club and how all those soulless major chains work, I hate having to drive to anywhere, I hate crass humor, I hate cheap looking clothing especially the ubiquitous tank top & yoga pants, I hate racism and anti-intellectualism, I hate all of their political figures etc. etc. In my mind, those United States are these wonderful ancient lands that are gifted by nature plus some of the most ingenious minds they've collected from all over the world. But... I don't even know why I said all that. It's pretty much everything that's representative of America that I don't like. I really don't like white t shirt. It's the most casual and thoughtless attire ever put together, a fucking white t shirt and a pair of yoga pants or leggings- don't they know these are not pants?

Well, youth is all about being chill, I get that. Whatever. I get tired at looking at those boring combinations, but I can just look away.

Saturday, April 21, 2018

Finally found 1

track 69  .  I finally found it


​btw the street is filled w/ a miasma of happy alcohols after dark

How dare . . .


Friday, April 20, 2018

People !

Oh My Fucking God, Ramblas is llena LLENA LLENA OTRA VEZ !
People people people are everywhere ! Young and old and from all around the world all over the place OMG AGAIN! The tourist season has officially begun OMG! What the hell do they possibly need in Carrefour?

And it was hot as hell out there. OMG. SO HOT. Do I have to skip spring clothes altogether ? !   Damn it, the most I have is Spring & Fall clothes.

I totally understand the Catalan & Basque anti-tourist sentiment now. I suppose it's worse up there because Vizcaya is a small enclave whereas Catalonia is kind of used to it. But imagine living in this condition for years on end. I get it now. I thought they were fussy but I totally get it now. I wonder if the llamas in Machu Picchu feel the same. Probably not.

You know, I had a strange dream last night about two dogs. I hope you remember this dream and its lesson.

Another thing that's bothering me is age. I think I can pass for a 20-yo no problem so if anyone asks, I'm 20 now, or 22. I think the day I look 40 is the day I'll kill myself. I can't live with it. Aging is too horrifying. I genuinely thought about altering my birth record... but then no, I had to look it up & Delaware does not allow anyone < 18 to form C Corp & since I've had it for 6 years that would make me 14 when I formed it (lol) so I'll just say I'm 20. The fact that I formed it when I was 20 means I can only ( at most ) dial it back 2 years on record, and it makes this operation not worth it anymore. But damn it, I've realized it's not possible for me to look older than I can accept. I was going to kill myself at 50 anyway, but now I have the added pressure to never look beyond 40. Old people is just too sad. You know that's actually a big "philosophical" discovery I had in the past year. The elongated lifespan of humans is not necessarily a good thing. Why live on if both your mental and physical functions are deteriorating? It's not right. They can't work, can't contribute to anything significantly (speaking of gen pop) and it's just not worth it. I believe the ideal cycle is to finish all school (even PhD) by the time one turns 16, then work till 36, and retire.

Quality of life- too damn important, Diary.

​FYI I can't even watch most films that have old/mid-aged protagonist anymore, it's that serious.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

Cool Words

​I believe the only metric to measure success of an adult is their ability to fulfill their fantasy.

Now Diary, tell me if that makes sense.

​Obviously no, because if I think about it, what I live by, the only metric to measure anyone's success is their ability to fulfill their destiny.

But when I spoke of it, I spoke of it as a man. You know, as an ordinary human being, from a totally human perspective, and I do believe that's right. If you go to a bar (LMAO) and say that about destiny people will be like "aw I don't have one" but if you say that about fantasy people will pause, nod and smile. Why not both.

I'm sore about the time I lost in the past few days, again. It's not about Gin- no no no, that is happening, for sure. No. It's some other things. Some things I routinely do every so often. I hope I've gotten enough. I think I do. I should. So.

Wednesday, April 18, 2018


config a porn rig

poka poka

OMG I just realized...

H'what does it mean! When the day you...I begin to like Gin, is the same day the poka poka moe vid is released!!!!!!? 17th!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!

Get outta here ///////////

Gin: Don't do anything stupid .

​Me: ..............

Gin: Member you said you won't do any fan art ever again. 

​Me: This isn't fan art, it's for my own needs. 

Gin: And you need me ?

Me: I'm quite infatuated with you Gin. 

​Gin: As long as you keep it between us...

Me: Of course. I'm the only audience and the only player.

Gin: What are you planning ?

Me: I was going to wait till VR technology matures but evidently I can't hold it in anymore...

Gin: Explain !

​Me: You'll star in the bestest 3D porn in the world exclusively for me.

Gin: OK. I'll be killing and waiting.

Me: Haha, I can't wait.

And so Gin becomes the star of the porno I talked about... I always knew I'd finally do it but this is a surprising turn of events.

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Never have I ever

There is a group of people that's bound to cross paths with me... honestly, I never thought much of them. I didn't think I need to pay attention. They're people, they're there, but I figured we had nothing in common.

I might be wrong about that. And if so, this is going to be the most shocking form of... I... never have I ever thought I'd embrace these people .  I mean  .

Oh God. I did not see it coming. I just might have to. I just might need to. Worst of all, I just might want to.

Do I ?  Do. I.   DO I?  DO, I?  DO I ?  DO I  ? 



It's a bummer that I work all day and can't tell you anything about it. I do need stress relief. It's another bummer that Gin hasn't appeared in a while. I only recently started watching a long compilation. I don't know when is this thing going to end. I mean sure, I hope it lasts forever... but there needs to be some sort of closure, don't you think?

Whenever I get a new obsession I fall into this hole... not a rabbit hole but it's bottomless. But I have no other stress relief so. I mean the weather is really getting good. Now I know whenever I hear helicopters hovering in the sky there is a mass protest going on somewhere in the city. Good job. The kids on skateboards are rather loud.

I don't know.

Monday, April 16, 2018

The Last Rain

I reckon the rain this morning was the last of this month. Of this season. It says sunny for every foreseeable day next.

Oh, I also worry about Weebly's merge issue that's very apparent .

Why respect tradition

Let me know if this makes sense, Diary:

We should respect tradition because human race is never going to stretch forward as much as we stretch back. I know I said the exact thing when I talked about the End Game, but now I also know it can be used to explain some of my questions. A lot of questions, actually. The last years might see many things changing rapidly, but we're not going to feel comfortable with it. It's more imperative than ever to study history and find out what's been dominant throughout our existence.

Sunday, April 15, 2018


I'm immobilized cause of period, and I'm going to the toilet every 20 minutes. I don't get it. Does my body need no water at all? Does it make water out of nothing? I know I've said this before but it's time to take it seriously. It's abnormal. It's uncanny.

Saturday, April 14, 2018

Agent Provocateur vs La Perla

I thought my yoga mat is like a green screen or something. No. Look at this Agent Provocateur bra, how shoddy it is, how gauche it is, how cheap the fabric is, how awful the print is, and the lace is just... ugh. I also had a neon yellow one that I threw away the day I got it because of how offensive it was and I'm throwing away this one now that I've finally taken a picture. The neon yellow one, its color is supposed to be fun, but it has a weird push up effect that makes you feel like a high class prostitute. Their fabric is just too poor, and it wasn't the sort of "fun" bra I thought it was at all. ​I have no respect for this brand. You can wear it for effect, because whoever you want to dazzle only cares about the visuals and won't care about whether you're comfortable in it at all. But they're all shitty bras. They're all terrible and in very poor taste. Just Gross.

La Perla makes actual bras. Bras that have FORM and STRUCTURE. They're WEARABLE. They're comfortable. Their material is SOLID. I have so many styles, sheer, balconette, I'm wearing the shell-shaped one (it's my favorite) , and honestly they're all so well made. They have super nice metal clasps on some styles. It's just, it's just bras made for human beings and not "effect", you know? You hold it and you think it's money well spent.

I understand why grown women shop at Victoria's Secret sometimes for that youthful feeling and "fun", and I might pick up cute panties there from time to time until I hit 30 (ew but soon), but I won't look anywhere else for lingerie other than La Perla no more. As far as sleepwear goes, Ralph Lauren, Armani and Calvin Klein are all good (I'm still trying to figure out the "Oscar de la Renta Pink Label" situation but the set is fine), but none of them makes decent lingerie. I don't even know if Ralph Lauren makes underwear.

One day hopefully I'll wear FRS outside ofc

Friday, April 13, 2018

Mark Zuckerberg saying the same things twice

Mark Zuckerberg literally said the same things here and here. Literally same points, same rhetoric, same citations and tactics. I'm not even going to say he is a robot or a lizard man as a joke, because those are some of the most retarded and un-funny "jokes" I've ever heard, but he is really, really robotic. It's really a public display of how irresponsible and inhuman this person and this corporation is. That said I'm OK with them fucking with stupid, easy-to-manipulate people and you'll find out why by the end of this entry.

When I saw the cover of Wired Magazine- March 2018 issue, it was his banged up face, I thought they were going to roast him. But no, that piece was whole defense. But later I was like, of course, it's Wired, what did I expect.

But Facebook is really bad and none of them were asking the right questions. They made it easy for Zuckerberg to use those simple, generic answers. The commentators kept saying they weren't connecting, well I don't think Zuckerberg can connect with anyone who isn't as familiar with Facebook as he is.

Facebook does harvest and keep your data. Facebook can disable your account for any reason or no reason at all, before you delete anything, and take away your ability to delete anything, and that way they keep all your data. It's theirs and you can't do anything about it. I mean, it's not like raising cattle, it's not like they think you're ripe and off you and harvest your data. I don't know the exact criteria they use to target people. But they need to keep your data, your connection with people- and use it.

All of the concerns these ancient senators and committee members have are legitimate and present in all major tech firms, and because their inability to ask the right questions and poke the right holes, these tech firms will continue to walk the fine line for as long as they can.

Even from the beginning- for me in 2009 I think, no wait. 2007. Yeah. Even in 2007 I thought it was insane that anyone would use such a platform. It's as shocking to me as if the shark tornado film happened in real life. I consistently find myself shocked at things people take for granted in every day life. I think if I went into a coma and I lost some of my memory, and I wake up and someone tells me Facebook has become a part of my "every day life", I would instantly have a heart attack and die on the spot. It's just unfathomable to me.

It's not "if you aren't paying for it, then you're the product" for me at all. I think there are things we create for each other to enjoy for free just like nature is just there for free, but it's a matter of trust. Sometimes we look at somebody in the face and we instantly get a gut feeling if this person is trustworthy, and granted- I must immediately say- sometimes we're wrong. But whether we're right or wrong, we often rely on that. I don't see how it's different with an app. If you've seen its interface, you know how it works, you toggle some of the basic controls, that should give you a pretty good idea of whether this thing is trustworthy or not. And it's just shocking to me that people find it trustworthy.

I don't judge a book by its cover, but I think it's fair to assess it by the excerpt. Any excerpt. You realize it's these sayings that are causing troubles. Not this saying particularly in this case, it just occurred to me.

I mean, I don't have a trust issue. Now I know I don't have a trust issue. I often doubt myself, but over the years I've proved that I'm not many things I thought I was.  I really should trust my gut and my judgment, because I'm proved right times and again. The problem is not my "trust issue", the problem is really that there aren't that many people who are trustworthy.

Ever since I was little, there have been parents who try to coax me into hanging out with their kids. Actually, they try to force their kids to hang out with me because I'm a "good influence". But at the end of the day it's between the kids and once their kid saw the cold look in my eyes they won't make an attempt. I'm just shocked it's still happening even after I graduated college. This woman who tries to befriend my family while I'm away- every time I go back which is so very rare, she always seizes the opportunity to ask me out to dinner. I always knew what it was because at this dinner, as I was eating, she would ask me questions nonstop. It's the cheapest form of consultancy- "friendship". Think you can get invaluable advice for twenty.  It's absurdly cheap. I always turn it down despite her aggressive pursuit, but I can't protect my family when I'm away. She really tries hard to work her way in and now my family feels indebted to her- not indebted but they thought of her as a friend now. She made them feel like they could do her a favor and when I'm the only one who can do that favor, guess what- here it comes.

The whole reason she does this is because she has a daughter two years younger than me, and last month she finally did it. She asked me through my family to get her daughter into a top grad school in Spain. All options are wide open - I will handpick the school and look at faculty - see, I did edit a bunch of theses before but I don't even know how grad schools work and she wants me to do it.

I mean, if you can get me to plan your life for a few dinners every now and then, it is the best deal. It always happens. These dirt bags always escalate from little questions to life planning. They would ask me what their children should do when 1, I don't know jack shit about those kids and 2, those damn kids are sitting right there. It's a joke. And this is a good one so I always laugh and point it out. I always found it odd that she would be enthusiastic to see me when I have showed no warmth toward her. Remember, when this happens, it's always they want something. People may dislike you for no reason, but they won't like you for no reason, not this much, at least. And keep in mind her daughter is currently in Germany. She wants her daughter to go to Spain because I am here. What the actual fuck. This gives me the same chills as being tracked by unauthorized apps. I hope my family listens to what I have to say and don't tell anyone anything about me anymore. Unlike me, they won't lie, but you know, it's troubling.

So I told my family to tell her that if her daughter is going to grad school and she can't yet DO RESERACH and make decisions for herself, then she's worthless and cheaper than dirt. I'm sure my family didn't convey that verbatim but I hope I got my message across. I'm constantly in deep fear that people will approach my family in order to get to me. It's too horrible.

I swear I won't help any of these lazy cunt bags. Think of how irresponsible and incompetent these leeches are. Who wants to dine with them? Who has an appetite when you see their greedy face and how they want to devour you ?

Some people say "Oh I don't know if people like me for me" and I think that's bullshit. You... let's say I, what I am to others is always going to be my value to them. So whatever they identify is true. If you think "you" are a bundle of fun but others only see your wealth/attractiveness or see those latter qualities foremost, then it's up to them. There is a discrepancy between what others see in you and what you see in yourself, and you might feel that way, but you can't fault what others perceive and identify because that's their perspectives. You can disagree with them or attempt to change them, but one important thing to note is you do not court the hopeless populace. I've maybe made that mistake once or twice in the past, but in my heart I always know- why court imbeciles who won't ever care about anything besides their own immediate well-being?  Like, who gives a shit about them? You are not a politician, you don't have a constituency to woo.

I mean, poor people are poor all around, and they're destined to be poor. I actually thought about it today. Who's poor people? It's not necessarily people who are born poor, it's people who die poor. People who were born into a poor family don't always stay poor just like people who were born into a rich family don't always stay rich. Those who were born poor and never made an effort to change their life should be stuck in the worst jobs and having a miserable life. Those who were born rich but have no skills or ambitions deserve no sympathy when they slip into the abyss. At least that is the case when it comes to me. If someone comes to me for help, and I'm not the only person who can solve their problems, I'm not going to help. That's my principle. It's that simple.

Now this is an one way street of course, it applies only when there is nothing to gain for me.

I honestly feel sore looking back on all the time and energy I lost helping those hopeless fucks. I wish I'd let them drown. I just hope that as I mature, I can at least get rid of the moms and dads hooking me up with their imbecile kids. I can deal with "my peers". Like I said they don't usually go at you aggressively, they know shame. Except when they don't. It's tough. Everybody wants to suck your blood, and it's when you keep distance from them. I can't imagine people who actually "flourish" in such toxic social environments. It's unbelievable. Or do they want to suck other people's blood also? Don't be too cynical. The good people to me are never clingy. They have their own stuff to do. They don't want and don't need to suck your blood.

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

One Product that matters

At the end of the day, when all noise is cancelled, I find that there is only one product that matters, not only in the sense of merchandise, but product, you know, "result". "Sum".

It's incredible. I've been consistent in my perception and now I know for real. You have to be associated with it one way or the other. Nothing else has value, at least to me.

"anonymous crow"

I felt confident enough today to un-publish my Facebook page. This has nothing to do with its recent scandals or whatnot, it's pure reasoning. I don't need Facebook, and although I've had success with its ads, I won't need to advertise on Facebook. Therefore I can drop the whole platform.

I checked my competitors - or should I say, "my peers", and they aren't really on Twitter or anywhere else either. And this is when I realized: we are not collectively abandoning these platforms, we just don't need them in the first place. All of these social media platforms will fail one way or the other, and they're useless to us.

On a personal level, I'm hoping it will revert to early 2000s, where everyone had a blog and put thoughts and took initiatives to make it good and shared information with everybody. Corporations will always mine your data, but at least what you put out for free, what you want the whole world to see isn't behind a registration wall- you don't have to go to different pools- a site, an app, etc, to get it. It doesn't have to be this complex. We should all stand for ourselves.

I don't know- I don't know when that will be or if people will be okay being brain-dead. That's OK. I still have peers. I know what they're doing, and I'm comfortable with that.

I need to concentrate.

Monday, April 9, 2018


I need to keep all my promises, Diary.

I mean, "what a fat dog".

I've come to realize that all good properties cost 1,000,000 upwards. And I can't convince myself to stay in the city anymore. I mean, when you choose city over nature, you're essentially investing in the people. I don't...

Yeah not a good entry. Next time.

​Actually let me come back. I got a bit sick today from eating too much salmon roe. I remember the first time eating them, the flavor just exploded in my mouth and I'm like woahhh... I was actually comparing roes you can get around here. Friedrichs is a solid brand. Who needs Keta when you have Friedrichs? Friedrichs is professional whereas the quality of Keta is not so good and it's overpriced. I ate too much roe from Keta today. They should take it off the gourmet shop. When I got it there was even dried roe powder stuck on the lid. No no.

But what I wanted to say is, the purchasing decision actually relies on two factors, one being how the market is, the other being your assigned value. For me, for example, I would never assign more than $200 to a piece of clothing, except coats and jackets. So I can never bring myself to buy stuff even from brands I like when I can afford it. That is a threshold. If I crossed that line, I would've violated my principle. Now with real estate, the pricing can vary wildly. The difference between a good number of properties between 1-2 mil is not too great, and it is shocking to me. But at the end of the day I return to the same question: what value would I assign to a property, a living place? What a place in which a human dwells should worth? And my conclusion is, for me, it cannot go beyond 1.35 mil. The reasonable housing beyond that point would likely be harder to maintain. I've thought about it long and hard. I thought about it when I had my first startup and I rejected it, and 4 years later, same conclusion. I do not think I can live with a housekeeper. I just cannot accept that I will be inviting someone into my home, when the whole point of buying a house is to have a place to my own. To be away from people.

So there is really no need to look at housing beyond 1.35 mil. I'm glad I reached this conclusion. It's still a large bracket but now very workable. And like I said, I struggled between choosing nature or a penthouse in the city, but the uncertainty of close neighbor makes it a no-brainer. I do not want to hear my neighbor having sex ever again. It's pretty simple.

I will need to find out what exactly I will miss by not living in a city. I don't think I will miss much. I have this fantasy that when you're in the city, you are its patron and you'll meet crowds of intellectuals and earn recognition. Like even before medieval times. That is pretty ridiculous. If you want to get involved in something nowadays, in the city, it's more likely regarding various independentist movements, "women's rights", LGBTQ, or mirroring protests that are going on elsewhere in the world, all of which I don't give a fuck about. They're all so tame and irrelevant and despite media coverage, not controversial. What is controversy? Not every contrarian's opinion makes the conversation controversial. I'm actually so sick of seeing trolls running the show. They always use the most basic, hideous, trashy fonts and format, and their illiterate base is growing.

Well, I didn't intend to write so much. Know that I know this isn't like the medieval times, hell, I haven't been there, even the medieval times in my head have been romanticized. I know the city life will never be ideal, not even close to what I imagined- even now I can feel it. I won't miss much, so why bother ?

Sunday, April 8, 2018


When the weather forecast says it's going to be raining 4 days in a row, but when it's time it shows 30% chance of raining, which translates to no raining at all, and 4 days of raining suddenly becomes 1 day clouded and the next two days explicitly sunny... how can I trust weather forecast again? It don't rain. It just don't rain. OK it rained heavily this morning, but not a drop for the rest of the day. It literally said 4 straight days of raining before. It just won't rain in here.

I found an old movie called "The Clique" on YIFY today, omg, it's so embarrassing. It's so cringy now. I can't believe I've watched it before when I was a teen. Things like that just wouldn't fly today, and it made me realize how much society has changed.

​I mean, I smell like steak right now. I tried a lot of stuff these days. I'm full.

Let's see if I'm right, Diary. I read a lot of things these days and I want to see if I'm right.

Saturday, April 7, 2018


I'm thinking . .

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

What I've learned

A freak accident happened yesterday. So I tweeted the fan art at FC5 official account, but whoever runs it just simply won't retweet. It's so bizarre because they have retweeted a very shitty one before, and that person is actually using it for publicity to get work. And by the quality of their doodle it's apparent that they won't get any work. I, on the other hand, turn down studio offers regularly, and I'm using my private account indistinguishable from a perfectly innocent random fuckboy and I spent about 4 hours on it just out of love. I can only assume the asswipe @FarCrygame is jealous of my talent, because let's face it, what else can it be? I can't be offended bc they know nothing about me. The only fact on the table is they saw I made that and realized they're so talent-free that they are running a twitter account. It's no mystery.

What's bad is I've spent over 10 hours on this thing and I can't afford to keep it up anymore. You have to know that translates to at least six thousand dollars. In the process of trying to get some justice I discovered again that I don't belong to any gaming community. I've discovered that I actually have very little in common with others who play this game, in fact it feels weird that we all like the same game. But clearly I was the odd one out. Because, the truth is, I haven't played the game at all, and I probably never will. I watched the full Cutscene movie on YouTube several times and that's it. It's impossible for me sink 40+ hours in a FPS anymore, just ducking and grinding. So yeah, I liked the story and the visuals, but I'm not even a player. So I don't see the point even if it's shared a thousand times (at least). The art is superior and deserves to be shared, but in spirit, there is no point in sharing or connecting with those people. So I'm OK with that.

But the lesson is, right, that I gotta stop doing stupid stuff like this. In 2011 or 2012 I swore to not do any more fan art, because it's totally, absolutely asinine to waste time glorifying someone else's creation, and I've broken that oath twice since then. They're actually both very recent. It's a matter of principle, Diary. The same principle that makes me not want to work to bring other people's vision to life. I hate earning a salary and if you recall what I said earlier, I assign meaning and significance to whom and where I get my money from. If someone pays me to work for them, I mean not only is "working for someone" bad enough because I have bigger things to manage and I can only do it for fun in secret, the pay will never be enough. Whereas other incomes have no ceiling (hence I lost at least an arbitrary $6000). All of this while art is only a side-thing for me, a passion. Not the main thing.

I also said earlier this week that getting a reply from someone who's worked on the game made me feel good, and that I want to go out there and be a fan. But that isn't true, is it. I really should stick to why I initially joined Twitter, to contact customer service and not have to wait in queue on my phone, and to watch controversial figures give their takes on current event.

One or two years ago I told someone there that I was a freelance concept artist and an indie dev, none of that is true. That's the lowest I can go. I like them and have a lot of respect for them, but there is no way for me to update this information. I mean. If I'm too good to work with big studios... I... I'll put it this way. I literally have to dumb down for this quick and fun thing so my skill barely shows and my style is unrecognizable. The truth is most artists in games and films industry are highly replaceable. They follow guidelines and best practices and the producer and art directors don't often give them too much creative freedom. People think Yoji Shinkawa has a signature style on MGS, but he derived it from somewhere else and that style is actually quite common. I respect people who left the industry and go do their own thing, but I was never about drawing those cookie-cutter characters or comps or matte or what-have-you, you know? 

I mean, you know me, so I'm not going to explain anymore. Why would I purposefully degrade my art for a game I haven't even played just to appeal to a fanbase or dev I'm unfamiliar with?

Another lesson is, as always, marketing, or social popularity is key nowadays. I should've learned that long ago. Being good is never enough. You simply cannot expect to get attention just because your skill is superior. This isn't the Renaissance. No.

So in all honestly, I hope learning... or in this case, confirming... repeating these lessons makes this freak incident worthwhile. I gotta believe that. Needlessly to say I will never break the oath again. Every time I watched one of them "SFM clips" I thought about how much better I could make them easily, but I was aware it's the same mindset. In that case what's stopping me is I'm utterly not attracted to those featured characters. Now I must remember: I MUST NOT waste time doing things just because I'm good at it and there is apparently a demand or audience for it. Actually I think I've made this same mistake too many times now and today it MUST come to an end. There is a lot of money and recognition to be made elsewhere. I'm on track. I MUST NOT get distracted.

Oh I forgot to say, my neckbeard phase has already ended. 3 days, it lasted even shorter than the 200-lb-man phase, which went on for about 2 weeks- 1 month, I think, in high school.

Tuesday, April 3, 2018


If you thought I couldn't be let down any further...

I forgot about the other thing I was going to talk to you about. Hopefully I'll mention it in "Reversal".

I've thought a lot about P2. The best I can do with syntax analysis is to generated a chart, and by then I will still have to manually sort and pick. The only use then... is the categorization, which I can pre-config.

Maybe it's meant to be a personal database, or at best with limited access to some people I choose. But not even public. But is that fair? It's funny that I still ask this question. It's because I'm a principle-based creature, but this morning I was thinking: how predictable does that make me?

People act based on predictability. But the action towards someone... 

I think if your principles are unusual, maybe you shouldn't worry so much.

Or you know, it doesn't even have to be there, if it's only current events.

No it does have to be there. I don't think hosting fee is a concern. 300 days...

I read some of my earlier posts today. It seems I was delirious at times. I admit although last year was the Year of New Light, it had a lot of dark sides. I had a difficult time and bitter pills to swallow.

I was wrong about one thing. I'm not a pessimist. I am... or should I say, I was, a raging optimist. Only an optimist can rise up after being disappointed so many times. Only an optimist never accepts the cold hard reality and has expectation and good hopes for other people. Even when I was saying " there is no hope ", I still had hope. It's funny alright.

Yeah... I truly was an optimist. Despite... everything. Who knew.

I pity my last year's self. I don't always pity my previous year's self but this one in particular hurt. The beast lies down and lets dogs gnaw on it, lets vultures pick it apart and lets maggots consume its remains... in what way is this just? It's not selflessness, it's stupidity, going against rules of nature. I've seen it happen before. I took caution. It won't happen.

Holy fuck Imgur

The whole of Imgur is like /r/trashy. Only been there once, would not want to go back. They stole from Tumblr and now have a wall of shitty shitposts. I would much rather hang out with teenagers on Tumblr than whatever... whoever the fuck uses Imgur other than as an image host. Goodness my God.

I still remember the founder of Imgur giving a talk in the science museum (yeah, OMSI on the right bank) in Portland. I remember him talking about how they really weren't struggling at all because they had revenue from ads from the beginning. I was like OK great, it's a great floating utility. At the time I didn't know they were going to venture into the social media space. It's very disgusting. Do they know they're herding people with such poor tastes? It's not like Fickr, you know. Things that make to the front page are 100% trash.

I'm fucking allergic to seeing substandard stuff. Substandard anything. And when it's the face of... THE FACE OF!!! a company, a website, a nation, I just... I just!

I mean, you get me, right? Or have we veered off our course so much that this is just what it is now? I can't accept it. There is no platform on large that I want to join. There is no niche community I want to be a part of. Everything is so ill. People's lives are fucking bankrupt.

I think about how I've managed to stay off Facebook and Pinterest, not to mention Instagram and Snapchat with no effort, I mean (you must... and you may laugh) it's like staying off China. It's got a loooooot of people. It's very popular and populous. It's has a bunch of stuff, both good and bad, wonders and shit holes. It's the backbone of the world's manufacturing, it's a strong economy, it's got a large army, it's pumping so much into the global market etc. etc. etc..... but I don't need to be there. I simply don't need to be there. I don't have to suffer the bad to find the good. God knows people enjoy living there. 1.3 billion people and counting. Yes. Huge opportunities. I just don't need to be there.

Same way I look at all these fucking social media platforms. They are all... ALL!! I DO MEAN ALL!!!!! So poorly designed. I don't just mean I heard the recent backlash against them moving away from showing posts in chronological order, I'm not even talking about the algorithm. It's just, fundamentally, the basic functions, are fucking flawed and infuriating! It's unfathomably infuriating. Everywhere it's a clusterfuck. In case of Instagram, I gotta laugh. Viewing pictures in such small windows is just pathetic. Just fucking pathetic. It's really fucking broken. All of them.

So to me it's not even worthy to talk about. Yet people still flock to these sites. I don't get it. I don't get what others get out of these sites. I don't get what makes them sticky. I'm pretty sure I've heard VCs explain why some are sticky, but you know, I don't buy it. These sites fucking suck. Who cares if they're ranked #2 or #10? I don't need to be there.

The good thing is- for me and for everybody- that there needs not be FOMO. There simply does not need to be. I can afford to do this. Anybody can afford to do this- not be on there. You are not missing much at all. Even when I let Times subscription lapse, I'm not missing anything at all.

I hope you don't feel like I'm venting. I'm not venting at all. Everything is alright and nothing has changed.

Monday, April 2, 2018

The Father

Why does he have to be half naked all the time? 

Sunday, April 1, 2018

The Last Joke Was Told In 2017


I can't believe I went on a non-date with someone on April 1 on purpose just so I wouldn't feel sick afterward if it didn't go well. And it didn't go well. I mean it went OK. Dude kept staring at my face, like nonstop staring. If the person you are staring @ from across the table starts looking elsewhere and checking their phone you should get the hint, right? No. But that was that. A good guy I'm sure, I just can't take it. Every time someone stares at me I feel it burning on my cheeks.

I have such horrible experience with people I first met online. It's OK, I stopped trying.

Oh I'm not getting a cat. What was I thinking? It restrains my movement too much. It's not like I'm a guy and I have a wife and she can look after it when I'm gone. I feel like the minute I get a cat I'll start craving traveling, and that's sad.

I feel sick. It's the cheesecake. It's the one I messed up but didn't toss away. I can never get it thick enough so the last time I stuck it in the oven and I baked it. And eating it makes me sick. I should've tossed it out the other day. Yeah, I'll throw it out.

No Diary. I don't care what day today is, April Fool's (ain't that every day), Easter, whatever, it has nothing to do with me. But Diary, listen. My form of existence is in crisis. Attention. Audience. I start to think that maybe I do care after all. I mean, I know what's right, I know what's most optimal, but what's in it for me? I mean, I'm being too selfless. Way too selfless. It's the wise thing to do, but wisdom has nothing to do with it. It's the little human part of me who wants some piece of it. Is that sad? Is that pathetic? Is that wrong? How long can I keep this up?

It's always good to have your reputation precede you. I knew that before I "learned" that from observation. The better way yet is to not let anyone know the lesser parts of you, you know, the normal, ordinary, boring little tidbits. I don't know about that. It's dangerous. It's a dangerous leap. One of those leaps that once you took you can never come back. That's why I've been careful. But I've been too careful. I've been too careful for 5 whole years, and that's scary.

I can only continue on this path if I don't have a plan for some other way. Currently I don't.

God I feel really sick.