It just occurred to me that certain murder case remains open. I don't know why it's always things like this that jump up to me when I'm trying to work. It's sad.
It's this girl that got murdered. I feel like she's a lot like me. Now she's gone. And the suspect has yet been indicted. It's very distressing. It's a cruel case.
And then, in every genocide, hundreds of thousands of girls get raped and killed. It's history. It's a long, long history. How do you face something like that? "These are people like you, here's how they end up in history". It dampens my spirit. It makes my head hurt.
There is no positive way I can spin it. I do feel vulnerable. I loath, LOATH saying it out loud but it must also be because I'm actually, indeed, vulnerable. It's a very hateful situation. I very much don't want to get raped or killed. I don't know if this is why I don't like going out. I just know it's already a second instinct. A learned reflex. Any man that approaches me will instantly make me sick. This is just from reading news story and learning history and watching films. I might be a lot more fragile than most women who actually went out there and get MARRIED!!! Holy fuck, they're crazy. Yet I'm wiling to go to this length, amassing material and training defense tactics to avoid any contact with men. I must be weaker in some sense. But I feel like I don't have a choice. There is nothing on this green earth that can make me trust a man. I was this cautious when I was 6. I just... nothing can make me trust them in the slightest.
I don't know, Diary. It makes me sick. Like, this is history. How can you know this and not exercise caution. It's very dreadful. I like prepping myself, to be honest. Playing the game of life has benefits of its own, it's just I sometimes reflect upon the very different rules I live by. It's insanity. Everything is. I mean, men are willing to look at a woman and go, "OK let's kill her". And I have to accept that. That's a reality. I have to make sure that never happens to me. I cannot die in the hands of a man. I think this is what I have in mind every time I see a man who's stronger than me. I can't train for Pilates, Diary. I don't need to be fit. I just need to make sure I know ways to not be killed when it comes down to it. It's paralyzing sometimes. Every time I read a story about a man kidnapping a woman just because he can. I may never be as physical as an average man, but I have completed the first step, which is eliminating my sympathy. If a man tries to hurt me and I have a tool or a weapon nearby, I would not think twice. I would not care if he is a father, a son, a brother or some bullshit. I really wouldn't let any emotion cloud my judgment. My fear has long overridden my sympathy when it comes to men. And I haven't been harmed in any way. It's just waiting to happen. Every woman who hasn't been hurt is just waiting to be hurt, that's my theory. I really can't expect to go through life without being the target of at least one attempt. That is unrealistic. Caution can only get you so far. But yes, like I said, the first step is done. If I have a chance, I won't hesitate.
It's a normal part of life, too. Animals have to protect themselves, and nobody says just because you have a civilized society you can be comfortable knowing that no one is going to harm you. As long as we are beings, we ought to protect ourselves. So it's not extra work. This is how it's supposed to be. If I escaped death, I'm victorious.
Damn it, that case is really unsettling