Thursday, March 1, 2018

Good morning

I got up at 7:30 today. Let's try 7:00 tomorrow. The smell of morning... on the street - it reminds me of the familiar path to my school, like when I was 12, you know? Why does it smell so familiar? Nobody is cooking. It just smelled of lunchbox.

I have had a lot of weird dreams lately. My cousin tried to kill me, and I returned to my elementary school as an adult and met someone I had a brief crush on (when I was 12 or 13) there. They looked miserable.

I didn't ask for any of this. These dreams. I'd rather not have dreams at all than have these dreams. And my hearing is like, maxed. Like I have to tune the volume to 60% of yesterday now, you know? I'm just. I'm just...

I'm not fine. I have struggled so long to tell you this, but I'm not fine. And you will never hear the end of it... until I die, I suppose, but wait, you see, still then you won't hear the end of it- so might as well accept it now that this is the problem: there is too much disappointment around. I don't remember the last time I was surprised. I don't think I was ever surprised by people. I just... there is too much disappointment everywhere you look, Diary. Has anything ever exceeded my expectation? I don't think so. So let's just deal... forever deal with the disappointment. Good God.

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