Wednesday, March 28, 2018

a toast to joseph seed

My understanding is that, the Doomsday cult of his isn't a "brace yourself for Doomsday" cult but a "let's cause Doomsday" kind of cult, and as per Far Cry's tradition, these people are fucking terrorists. It don't matter what belief you have if you've got nukes.

I mean, once again, Uber-Ubisoft got me. They got me good. I'm not saying the company is all good, it could've been a coincidence that they "get" me so much. Maybe they're sensing the restlessness in the masses, maybe they notice that deep down inside, everyone wants to be done with it all. So they made the villain live (and right) this time. I mean, I don't know fully about the planning behind this, but the apocalypse scene was exactly, no listen I mean EXACTLY like how I fantasized about one hundred times over. And the graphics in this game is just... I mean, I know it's going to be topped, but right now this is the one doing the topping. I can never get over the nuke scene and how good it was. It's my dream, Diary. I want that to happen- to actually happen. That's like the best case scenario. The fact that it took place in Montana and having to do with these redneck cultists that I can't relate to at all doesn't even matter. I want it. And this being made tells me there are tons of people out there who want it. Else they wouldn't be making this game.

But euphoria aside, I reflect again upon my decision to not stay in the US of A. I know I was right. It's such a crass yet delicate place. I noticed the edgy memes in the game, including subtle weapon descriptions. I noticed the shift in political climate in 2013, more so in 2014, and I left. And I can't even imagine living there now. It's not the change, it's just being revealed that Americans have always been that way. Maybe there is no such thing as a "big melting pot", maybe if you mix oil, blood and water, and stir and shake well, they will still segregate. It's hell. It's a hellish place. I remember living in Portland. I was so uncomfortable with the fake "openness". I couldn't take it. Even if you genuinely believe a lie, it is still a lie. I wasn't interested in lying to myself. There is too much at stake.

Damn it, Diary. We should ignore the loudest, the most blatant things. I was staring at the ceiling last night and this morning, and I was just thinking how incredibly our perceptions, emotions and wits are limited by history, context and language. We are always in this little box. Always. Always. The history they made makes us, and our history makes future, but all of it is so short, narrow, and minimized. Our potential is never fully realized.

I don't know if I have an "all or nothing" mentality, but I know this despair I'm constantly feeling isn't on a positive side. The fact that we've managed to hold the switch for so long is amazing.

It's the end of March (I haven't listened to Waters of March yet, kudos to me) and I'm still shivering. This is the type of thing you have to find out for yourself. I will never listen to anyone raving about the Mediterranean weather ever again. What kind of fucking weather is this. It makes me depressed. I have to pray for rain like an ancient priest. Give me seasons. I will not live on the coast again, I'm telling you. Give me a place with discernible seasons, damn it. I would rather it be snowing outside and me burning logs of wood at my fireplace than this chilly uncomfortableness.

Maybe I don't like middle ground after all. Maybe I'm thinking too much. If you interview someone- anyone on the street, they will appear to be "wise" in the middle ground about everything. All the could-be would-be should've-been, I hate it. I hate when people are mushy and not assertive. I like extremes. Which is why I like Joseph Seed, probably, and every well fleshed-out villain I've ever seen.

And not that mute. In order to make the player feel like it's "you", they choose to make the protagonist mute. That way you can imagine you speak any language, take on any gender, look however you look, and it doesn't work at all. It's almost as lazy as eliminating dialog animation and put everything through the fucking radio.

We don't pay attention to the silent ones. We pay attention to those who speak. Which is why players find more sympathy in the villains, which is (at least part of) why this franchise is going this direction in the first place. Why did people like Vaas? He was crazy, yes, but compared to "you", he was also the one doing the thinking. While "you" are going around the island hacking and slashing, Vaas actually has a character and thinks about insanity. In Far Cry 4, "you" are just a puppet of the leaders of the Golden Path while Pagan Min is this leader of a nation. That is why people were clamoring to join the side of the King and I assume why the villain got his way in Far Cry 5. The villains feel more real than the player's self, who again, I can't stress enough, is only and always a receptor of ideas and a brute mute.

I'm never going to be happy. That's cool. That's OK. I have accepted it long ago. I often thought it would've been better if I was fiction, too, and not real. It sounds cowardly, I know. One scene that gives me chills was when you took the "leap of faith" from the tall statue, and you land and you see these dead people scattered about. The nuke scene was fine. Like I said, I loved the ending. The nukes warmed my heart. But the leaping scene, the people who jumped and died and their blood- that one was harrowing. I guess it's the illusion of hope that frightens me.

People often criticize nihilists for all sorts of reasons, but it's not something you can escape. When you are in a bad place, and you are reminded of the have-nots, it's as if you are sitting in a bottomless pit, and all around you is darkness and the speck of light is so far away and unreachable. If you reached enlightenment, everything becomes flat and the difference between your current state and the before is erased, and you see not only there is no difference in good and evil, there is not even difference in wisdom and ignorance either- no, I should say, there is no difference wisdom or ignorance can make- and you despair. So many things can lead to despair, but so few can lead to happiness, which I have yet to get a taste of. Yes that's right, I was wrong for a second, of course there is difference, massive difference between good and evil, ignorance and wisdom, but the fact that they don't enact, they themselves don't have any effect, can't make any change on anything of import, renders them utterly meaningless.

How do you not return to the start of the loop if it's also the end? It just is, it's just being itself, and it's so cold in here.

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