Wednesday, January 10, 2018


By god, has it been 4 days? I am not still mad at no-rain, Diary, as a matter of fact, it did rain a bit that day. Just a little bit.

No, I'm preoccupied with getting other supplies. I even got a thick Mauviel frying pan, the M'250B, and let me tell you, although it didn't instantly improve my cooking, it did make me feel like a chef. And what's ironic is I can't even single-handedly lift it. Not that it's because the handle has gotten too hot, but because I honestly can't lift it. It's too heavy. People don't seem to like Swiss Diamond here, I don't know why. I've had 2 in the past and they worked great. I don't have any of them with me now, but that's OK.

That and the new cream pot and bakeware should show you that I'm taking cooking more seriously now. I know it's an inevitable part of life. Although I'd gotten away with not caring for it for a good decade, I realize avoiding it for the rest of my life may still be too long. I have at least another decade to go, two if I'm lucky.

I've had some strange dreams in the past few days, Diary. There was one in a dark cave, and then I...

I have patience. Others have patience, too. It's just that I don't know what they want, beside the obvious, which is the one thing that counts. But I'm not sure about the direction. There is too much uncertainty.

Every day I am able to justify the correctness of my choice. But being right, or just, doesn't give me any power. I have to prove it. Theorization is over, for now, before the first test. There are so many irreversible effects that go with it.

I'm reaching a terrible age soon, Diary. This here right now might be a mid-20s, but as soon as that day is over it'll be- I'll be in my late 20s, and I cannot tell you how nervous that makes me. I can't bring myself to notice the passing of time, or I'll pass out in coldness. It's too terrible. Every day I live in my greatest fear, on top of actual fears most people feel as well. Do you get it? It's not the approaching of death, but mere passing of time that I fear. Every second is lost no matter what and cannot ever be retrieved. It's just too terrifying.

I have to do this one thing.

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