Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Sad character study

I recently did a character study and it's just sad. It makes me rethink about my stance on happiness. Maybe I should pursue it after all, and help others attain it.

See, the study- the story of the character itself is a sad one, to the extreme. No one died (yet), but everything about the character is of the most conflicted and tragic I've ever seen. He's born into a family made of great conflict, and he inherited the worst thoughts from both sides. He projected these thoughts, loathing, pity toward all parties involved onto people around him, then social groups at large, and his resentment brewed and deepened for a decade. A man of moderate intelligence, his put his brains as well as rage to work and concocted such a plan to revenge the society and himself. He antagonized people and brought them agony, he created dissents and caused divisions, he exhausted his resource, time and energy to create a vast network and an elaborate, well researched- well, cherry-picked narrative and he devotes his life spreading lies he convinced himself to believe. Yet the entirety of his adulthood is recorded online, because he spent his entire adulthood online, and that is why I got such a comprehensive character study. All his mistakes, his past, his grievance, his infiltration, etc. etc. are laid bare, excavated by internet sleuths from any distasteful forum to archives of his deleted stuff. Thanks to their tireless documentation and his articulation, the character is really wholly fleshed out and the story so far is complete.

I don't find finding a tidbit of anecdote here and there interesting or worthwhile, which is why I don't pay attention to such short stories. This is such a whole story. You see the causation and consequences so clearly. It's like they're in this perfect ecosystem of hatred and self-abuse. It's unbelievable but I have to keep reminding myself that it's real that man can live with such internal conflicts. He accuses of others exactly his own sins, he derides people like himself while pretending to be the opposite, he advocates for harm of his own kind as if everything he does is for his own demise. The most incredible of all is the people he came in contact with. He actually attracts people with similar illness. It ended up being two people from two different marriages cheating with each other, they were each married to the exact people they felt they hate the most but say they cherish the best, they both hate themselves, they toy with each other, but they're partners in crimes at the same time, they both pretend to be all sorts of tough, and they confess their extremely superficial love for each other in such juvenile ways. The character is so far gone from happiness and so deep in a world of hate that it only ensures a bad ending to the story. The last time I found his trace, he was seen defending someone by attacking that someone's attacker by joking that said person could be responsible for the next mass shooting. Yet when I did the study I found his own mindset and psych composition was strikingly similar to a real mass shooter that shared his exact problem. He consciously, or unconsciously emulated this real mass shooter while projecting his violence onto someone else- onto someone opposite.

I don't know if we often project onto someone opposite. In fact I have to think if I do any projection myself. But first, know that the internet sleuths and more-than-casual observers are keeping tabs on him. If anything I don't believe internet vigilantism will prevent mass shooting or any terrorist attack, but I'm somewhat relieved that someone's keeping him in check. Like I said there is no way this story is going to end well, and that's what got me thinking about happiness.

Let's roll back a bit. I don't think I have projected onto anyone. I have plenty of vices but this isn't one of them. I don't do that. I simply don't. Maybe I do a little when I assume everyone's competence, maybe I set a high standard for everyone else like I do for myself and that's why I get frustrated easily. I don't know if that's projection. Do you think it is? All I know is if I stop assuming everyone is functional I will lose my mind.

But happiness. The feeling I get when I know there is a bad ending, for sure, to a real life story... it's unlike an event, an article you read somewhere that summarizes one's life. This is a dramatic, elaborate story, and just as I was finished I realized it was even comparable to Shakespeare's plays. It's so sad, Diary. You have no idea how sad it is. I can't imagine anyone being happy to read a story like that. A story like that is soul-crushing, because every aspect of it is filled with pain, oppression and aggravated despair. I suddenly get all sorts of metaphors and idioms that describe such dark, hellish place in your head.

It has been an enriching experience to understand the dark side of humanity. Humanity is truly profound, and I had no idea it could cause such struggle within one's self. I now know how some monsters are made. I hope one day I'll stop gasping when I read about all sorts of horror committed by humans, but without a doubt that will be the darkest day of all. I can feel this story wearing on me - if I continue this path, it will erode whatever little optimism I have in life away.

I need happiness in my life, Diary. Reading this story... having done this study, I mean, it makes me realize that people do have to strive for it. Maybe I didn't need it before and that's why I thought I'd never need it, but the story took something away from me- by showing me the hopelessness and destructive psyche, just the extent of which a person can have. It's harrowing. It really is harrowing.

Maybe I'm not unhappy to begin with. If anything, I also learned that I don't want a story without a happy ending. That feeling knowing a story has a bad ending is terrible and makes you never want to revisit it again. Who likes a story with a bad ending? Even Shakespeare's tragedies must offer something other than the bitter end. I'm already a natural pessimist Diary, I can't look into artificially saddened stories.

Good God. I can't help but think that... I must be green in some people's eyes. So many people must know worse story than this. They might think I'm inexperienced. I'm so easily traumatized. All I know is I have to distance myself from things like this at all cost. I can't contain this much failure and delusion and sadness in others. I can't do that.

Good God Diary.

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