Wednesday, December 6, 2017

No food

How long do I have to suffer my own cooking? I tried to re-create a dish I've been craving tonight and it turned out nothing like it.

Then I looked into my pantry and found I have nothing to eat. How did that happen? A person cannot survive on sugar, sauce and conserved goods. I just realized I have more sauce than I can keep track of and nothing to use the sauce on. That's ridiculous. But here is the problem. The sauce is there, it's done, but I'm having trouble with the main thing, the base to use it on. I still suck at cooking. And the only one who suffers it is myself. I saw the opened egg noodles in the pantry and I cried inside a little. Do you know how nasty it was? I perfectly ruined it on two occasions. I don't know how you can mess it up so bad. It tasted so awful - so awful and bland at the same time. How do they do it? How do they make noodles not disgusting?

I have been wanting to cook macaroni and cheese for a while, too. I haven't dared to try it. They don't have quick Kraft stuff here so I'll really need to start from scratch. See the thing is, Diary, every time I try to cook a new dish, it takes a toll on me. There isn't even a dish I'm consistently good at. I'm sad in the kitchen.

That said, I did a little bit of decoration today and it brightened up my mood. My desk is now Christmassy and festive, and I like my new napkins. I wish it's Christmas all year round. I just might live it that way. Or not.

And I figured for the few times I go out I might as well dress up nicely when I do. I've kind of let myself go in the past, sorry. I just want to be as far away from the... that sad situation as possible, you know? And this experience really helped me learn and accept my place in the world, too. I can see it now clearly. I do not have to wait for people to catch up, I just need to find people I can get along with. And my place may never rise as high as I expected, but now I'm OK with it. Anything is better than brooding and stagnation. I think that even for people who want to change the world, acceptance of reality is still very important. I must accept reality, Diary. I won't be open to the idea of hanging out with people whom I know in my heart I'm uncomfortable hanging out with. And the people I do feel comfortable around, I won't mind how others might judge me for it. I think I've made a lot of mistakes over the years on this issue, in fact I may have been making these mistakes since I went to college, but it's been long enough. I really have learned a lot and now I must accept myself.

Regarding PP, I know it's a long shot, but I'd like to know the direction it will finally take. I need to see beyond the future. There must be others who feel this way - as I do, and I wonder what they are doing about it now.

Do you remember the old times, when I had my peace of mind and I would go into the world of books? I think it's time for that to return. I miss the world of books. Now that I am relatively calm, maybe I'm ready.

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