Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Logic Trumps God

Everything has broken down at least once in this apartment. Damn agency is having their annual long holiday again from before Christmas to Jan 7 or Jan 14, I don't remember.

The electrical problem today put me on the verge of despair. Here I was sitting in the dark wondering why God decided to punish me - they call it losing a leg of power it seems. This morning before a blow-dryer blew shit up I was reading about the Rohingya who are mostly Muslim. After shit went down I allowed 2 hours of self loathing and started making calls. Everyone is off on holiday. That's why I hate holidays. It causes so much dysfunction, you can't do shit. Everything is delayed, everything is impossible. But I got hold of an electrician who came over and did a temporary fix. The idea is that he doesn't have permission to go behind the fuse box, and it requires the landlord to fix the bigger problem - or so he said. Anyway, I paid 220 euros for this temporary fix. I got it done because the electrician is a Muslim - who doesn't celebrate such holiday. How great is that?

So far fucking Endesa charged me over 700 euros to open an account, knifes me about 200 euros every month, all the major electrical appliances have been replaced - new washer, new chips for air conditioner, heater, all the lightbulbs... electricity is a pain in the ass around here. As I was standing in the kitchen pondering the travesty of the day, I thought about what's ahead- should I own a home in a place that snows, I will have to deal with all of this, frozen pipes, and so much more.

Can't things just work for once? I know I'm not asking much. I want all things to function properly so I can work. All I want is work. Every day I have this dreadful anticipation that something is going to break, and more often than not it does. It does fucking break. I don't see the upside of renting anymore. I will learn all of this myself and fix it myself and not wait or pay other people. It makes me fucking incensed. I'll tell you what, if I ever do own a home I will make damn sure the wires and pipes are properly installed so I don't have problem for at least 6 years. I can't deal with this. I can't fucking deal with it. I can't deal with it all the time, you see?!

Fucking fuck. I feel like things are just waiting to break down in the background. Every day I walk around with such fear at the back of my mind that, maybe the heater will break today (again) and I won't have hot shower. Maybe the lights will go out again. Maybe something will shoot the voltage up again and the socket will go bang! And everything shuts down. And it happened today. Fuck.

What concerns me the most is, this breaks the concept of God. In the two hours of self-loathing, I combed everything I did between now and the last disaster, and I got nothing. I did nothing that deserves such aggravation on a daily basis. So the whole idea of God becomes flimsy all of the sudden. I don't think you know how much this upsets me, Diary. This is the sort of thing that crushes my spirit. I don't want to deal with this at all. To perform my task I literally need a pristine surrounding with 0 distraction and 0 annoyance. I literally... I can't stress this enough.

What place to live. That is the question. That question tortures me. For the 100th time, I don't want to travel. I don't want to migrate. I would rather settle down somewhere and die there. All I want to do is to take matters to my own hand. All I want to do is to control everything. I want to control every aspect, every element of my life. Why is that so fucking hard?

Because of something like this I can't even decide if I want to believe in God anymore. This wouldn't be torture to a lot of people, but God would know it's torture to me. And if there is a God and God knows, God just tortured me for no reason. I can't stand that. It's funny and pathetic this is what my faith is. I still- will always - believe in higher powers but, the God I always held in my heart, the being that I thought was so kind to me, wouldn't do this. I am so tense I really can't take any more aggravation. I can't. I can't.

Every day I frantically think what is a good place for a conflicted hermit like me. How can I make sure that I don't have to deal with this shit ever again?

I have 2 more years on my lease. You may think it's a lot. It's actually quite short period of time considering what's going to happen. Everyday I drive myself crazy. I am not in the sort of physical or mental shape that's adequate to embrace bigger change, yet change is inevitable. I'm running away from a lot of things and cower in front of just the mere thought of what I'm supposed to conquer. It's all very very fucked up. But I'm racing there nonetheless. I have always been so miserable in the past, and my work in the misery led to something. For the first time I'm hoping to accomplish something without misery. I don't even know if that's possible.

I'm completely drained, Diary. This morning I was glad because I got the book. It actually made me feel relaxed. I went back to bed and fell asleep. Normally I go to sleep when I'm totally exhausted, but I get no rest. Hours before I wake up I would have all sorts of worries and consideration in my dream- or half-consciousness. Like your mind is awake but your body isn't, so you can't get up. But this morning I slept soundly. I even remember repeatedly thinking to myself- oh wow, so this is what getting rest is like. That didn't last long of course because everything went dark in 2 hours.

Dear God Diary- if God is none what should I even say anymore. But oh God. Don't make me suffer again. I have already given my life. There is no need to torture my mortal soul.

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