Sunday, December 3, 2017

Chill

The thing about the first place is, it had a huge bed almost as big as the room. I believe it's a 2x2m square bed. It was either teal or turquoise. It's entirely too big for a 16 yo and half of it served as both the desk and the closet. But at least it wasn't dorm. Going from too small to too big.

The thing about the second place is the bunk-bed. I am afraid of heights and I had to climb up top every night. And it was too close the the ceiling. That thing about school is a fucking disgrace. No place that you have to pay upward of $50,000/yr to get into should make you sleep in a bunk-bed.

The thing about the third place is, there were entirely too many people in the house. Also, you were living in an attic.

The thing about the fourth place is, I forgot to open the windows (any of them) for about two and half months. I don't know what health damage I did to myself because of that. I'm living with it now. Oh, also my roommate liked cold temperature (about 60F in winter).

The thing about the fifth place is, the whole house was slanted.

The thing about the sixth place is, there is no traditional way of heating the room. In summer AND winter you have to rely on the air conditioner. It also doesn't have gas. The only bills you pay are water and electricity.

I'm in the 6th place now. Someone says life is a series of bad decisions. I'm always miserable in winter.

Look, Diary... I am a fairly independent person, what worries me is I constantly make bad decisions that worsen my living conditions. - To the point I don't trust myself anymore. It seems someone with such record can't break this streak. I'm really concerned. I have never, in my life, lived in a place where I felt comfortable. Never. I never felt quite at home, you know. There is always something- major things, and it boggles my mind how every time I convinced myself to live in this place.

I had an insulting dream last night. First part of it was OK. Maybe it's because I talked about deep ocean (the resemblance of it) before I went to bed, I was on sea. But on surface. It was still horrific, but OK. I can't articulate it to you but I was alone on this broken boat and there was a little raft beside it. I was on a trip or a journey. Anyway I was alone and I invented this mind game where I played a list of songs in my head and every song corresponded to a personality. So I was playing a bunch of characters while hopping back and forth between the boat and the raft. In the middle of the ocean. I was happy. I was pleased with the game. But then the raft veered off while I was on it and began to sink into the ocean. So I hopped back to the boat - I think, and I saw people, and the journey went on metaphorically and I didn't know how I got on land. But instantly I was transferred into this carriage. This rusty black carriage with a car's head attached to it- I mean the frontal part of a car. Like a compartment. And the driver was in there. And I was in the passenger seat with someone else. And this is where it started to get insulting. It was a middle aged man, and he started to molest me. The word "molest" literally appeared in my head while I was in this bit. He touched all over me and reached to flap the lapels on my top open- it's the exact same white shirt-like PJ from Ralph Lauren I wore last night- and revealed a good portion of my boobs.

It's disturbing. I felt all very insulted when I woke up. It was just plain insulting.


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