Sunday, December 31, 2017



It's 2018!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




I proclaim the year of 2017 to be - Year of New Light

Did my heart explode? Not yet! Good God!!!!!! Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Will I - !!!!!!!!!

So fat

Only less than 2 hours away from 2018. Will I have a heart attack? We'll see. It's terrifying. And soon I'll turn 26. I can't. I can't deal with it. I'm getting weak knees just thinking about it. This terrifies me. It's too terrifying. I'm so scared by the ticking of time. Right now it feels like it's impossible that we'll go into 2018, but it inevitably will. It's already 2018 in some parts of the world.

I'm so terrified Diary. I'm so terrified!! I... I... I'll die some day. I'll die some day, for sure!! And I!!!! How can I have lived so long? I'm so, so afraid, Diary. I'm so nervous, uneasy. I feel inadequate, I feel ill-prepared. I feel I've fallen short. I feel I'm not ready. I'm very afraid of the unknown in the next year. I'm so very afraid.

Friday, December 29, 2017

I finished vol 1 today

It's a strange yet familiar feeling to find someone catching your thought... from nearly 40 years ago. I felt my cheeks burning from some reason as I went through the pages. It's fantastical how the editor addressed each of my concern, in fact followed the stream of my consciousness. It's just amazing. This is what thoughtfulness is, I guess. I just, it just almost never happens otherwise. But you know what, despite what the editor said, and I believe it's 100% genuine and honest that they did believe everyone is entitled to such, it's still incredibly elitist. They ceded that economic security should come first, though there is absolute feasibility of reading great works concurrently, but I know people can easily lose their life in pursuing economy security, or any safety they feel at heart, and have no leisure to spare. The leisure the editor talks about is not those five or six hours after work and before going to bed, it's really a mental state. It's a want also. Convincing somebody to do something because it's their duty, and if they don't do it they don't deserve some of their rights is not a good persuasion. I wonder if the editor despairs at the sight of today, all the moronic Marvel shit. But I see Great Books Foundation has a collection on pop culture, it's just I can't seem to get it here. I'll be very curious to read those, too.

I don't know how I should feel about our state actually. I'm not completely confident to say that it's a disgrace because I haven't lived in any previous era and I don't know what it's like. What if all the bad shit gets destroyed in our time and the history books and internet archive only suggest the good stuff? Future generations might get weird sorts of nostalgia, too. Of course I know it's impossible. I think we're quite doomed, but I might not see the end of it in my life yet.

I'm not following its plan, it irks me to follow excerpts and I'd rather read it whole, in order. So briefs on vol 2 tomorrow, same with vol 3. First proper book after that.

I don't accept all the views (hell yeah it's biased, though as far as the purpose of the collection is concerned to the minimum) but there is some sobering truth in there that I hadn't entertained before. Yeah, the west does not need to learn about the east if the east has fallen to total materialism. I would argue that the old, good stuff is always worth learning but politically, they're right. This really is the end game. There is no such initiative in the east, to be sure. It'll remain a mystery to the west till its death. How sad.

It's too sad.

You know what else is sad, I have to throw away the kaki tomorrow cause it's been in the fridge for over a month. There is no fresh stuff in my fridge anymore and I'll have to be ever so careful. I don't think fruit vendors will want to sell me seeing how little I eat everyday. There is no way I can eat at the rate of everybody else. It's consuming me.

I'm not anorexic by any means Diary, I never have been. I'll have you know that I had a bucket of fried chicken this week, though I ate it in 2 days and could barely stomach anything else. The thing is I only eat one meal a day Diary. That meal is an ordinary meal, but I just can't fathom preparing 3 meals every day. Eating 3 meals a day could very likely cost you 3-4 hours. That's terrifying.

Am I dying a slow one or a fast one?

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Assumption of the worst

It must say something about the person who always assumes the worst. One interpretation is that they only derive pleasure from being wrong and the actual outcome is not as bad as they assumed.

They told me to get insurance. I didn't listen. Now not listening has taken a toll on me, and I signed a comprehensive contract today. Now I'm not afraid even if the sun explodes on me. I am also ashamed from reading just the first half of vol 1 that, yeah, despite coming from an engineering school, I don't know jack shit about electricity. They don't actually teach you about electricity in computer science, that's how specialized all disciplines are - no, this doesn't even show the extent of it. But yes, I am an idiot as water is wet, nothing is new.

I constantly think about the education I received in my life, for I have such a vast background in all different cultures and nations. All 6 of them is a lot ( and they still managed to produce an idiot ). What shocked me was that they actually mocked liberal arts college in engineering school, or perhaps it's their hubris, anyway I found it very hard to join the laugh. I still have no idea what a liberal arts college is because I have no experience in it, apart from one unforgettable night dancing in Wellesley. I am a giddy dancer, too, by the way.

I think it's great. I can't stop pondering the irony of being rejected by a women's college and getting into basically a men's college. I wonder how I would turn out if I went to a women's college like I first hoped. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy my time in the latter, but I just wonder. It all could be so different. And naturally I'm not going to blame my lack of grace, my rash attitude or aggressive pessimism, my subtle, well disguised, internal awkwardness on any of them, that's just me.

More possible than ever, man gets to forge their own path in life, and I think that's why I find a little peace in my position. I don't know if I should fear death yet. I used to think my life was fulfilled a long time ago when I first saw a wonder of the world and I could die at any moment. Now I'm not so sure. I guess I still don't fear it - but I'm taking it more seriously.

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Logic Trumps God

Everything has broken down at least once in this apartment. Damn agency is having their annual long holiday again from before Christmas to Jan 7 or Jan 14, I don't remember.

The electrical problem today put me on the verge of despair. Here I was sitting in the dark wondering why God decided to punish me - they call it losing a leg of power it seems. This morning before a blow-dryer blew shit up I was reading about the Rohingya who are mostly Muslim. After shit went down I allowed 2 hours of self loathing and started making calls. Everyone is off on holiday. That's why I hate holidays. It causes so much dysfunction, you can't do shit. Everything is delayed, everything is impossible. But I got hold of an electrician who came over and did a temporary fix. The idea is that he doesn't have permission to go behind the fuse box, and it requires the landlord to fix the bigger problem - or so he said. Anyway, I paid 220 euros for this temporary fix. I got it done because the electrician is a Muslim - who doesn't celebrate such holiday. How great is that?

So far fucking Endesa charged me over 700 euros to open an account, knifes me about 200 euros every month, all the major electrical appliances have been replaced - new washer, new chips for air conditioner, heater, all the lightbulbs... electricity is a pain in the ass around here. As I was standing in the kitchen pondering the travesty of the day, I thought about what's ahead- should I own a home in a place that snows, I will have to deal with all of this, frozen pipes, and so much more.

Can't things just work for once? I know I'm not asking much. I want all things to function properly so I can work. All I want is work. Every day I have this dreadful anticipation that something is going to break, and more often than not it does. It does fucking break. I don't see the upside of renting anymore. I will learn all of this myself and fix it myself and not wait or pay other people. It makes me fucking incensed. I'll tell you what, if I ever do own a home I will make damn sure the wires and pipes are properly installed so I don't have problem for at least 6 years. I can't deal with this. I can't fucking deal with it. I can't deal with it all the time, you see?!

Fucking fuck. I feel like things are just waiting to break down in the background. Every day I walk around with such fear at the back of my mind that, maybe the heater will break today (again) and I won't have hot shower. Maybe the lights will go out again. Maybe something will shoot the voltage up again and the socket will go bang! And everything shuts down. And it happened today. Fuck.

What concerns me the most is, this breaks the concept of God. In the two hours of self-loathing, I combed everything I did between now and the last disaster, and I got nothing. I did nothing that deserves such aggravation on a daily basis. So the whole idea of God becomes flimsy all of the sudden. I don't think you know how much this upsets me, Diary. This is the sort of thing that crushes my spirit. I don't want to deal with this at all. To perform my task I literally need a pristine surrounding with 0 distraction and 0 annoyance. I literally... I can't stress this enough.

What place to live. That is the question. That question tortures me. For the 100th time, I don't want to travel. I don't want to migrate. I would rather settle down somewhere and die there. All I want to do is to take matters to my own hand. All I want to do is to control everything. I want to control every aspect, every element of my life. Why is that so fucking hard?

Because of something like this I can't even decide if I want to believe in God anymore. This wouldn't be torture to a lot of people, but God would know it's torture to me. And if there is a God and God knows, God just tortured me for no reason. I can't stand that. It's funny and pathetic this is what my faith is. I still- will always - believe in higher powers but, the God I always held in my heart, the being that I thought was so kind to me, wouldn't do this. I am so tense I really can't take any more aggravation. I can't. I can't.

Every day I frantically think what is a good place for a conflicted hermit like me. How can I make sure that I don't have to deal with this shit ever again?

I have 2 more years on my lease. You may think it's a lot. It's actually quite short period of time considering what's going to happen. Everyday I drive myself crazy. I am not in the sort of physical or mental shape that's adequate to embrace bigger change, yet change is inevitable. I'm running away from a lot of things and cower in front of just the mere thought of what I'm supposed to conquer. It's all very very fucked up. But I'm racing there nonetheless. I have always been so miserable in the past, and my work in the misery led to something. For the first time I'm hoping to accomplish something without misery. I don't even know if that's possible.

I'm completely drained, Diary. This morning I was glad because I got the book. It actually made me feel relaxed. I went back to bed and fell asleep. Normally I go to sleep when I'm totally exhausted, but I get no rest. Hours before I wake up I would have all sorts of worries and consideration in my dream- or half-consciousness. Like your mind is awake but your body isn't, so you can't get up. But this morning I slept soundly. I even remember repeatedly thinking to myself- oh wow, so this is what getting rest is like. That didn't last long of course because everything went dark in 2 hours.

Dear God Diary- if God is none what should I even say anymore. But oh God. Don't make me suffer again. I have already given my life. There is no need to torture my mortal soul.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Internet Shower

I literally got rid of a bunch of toxic waste. The sweet potato literally turned into toxic waste in there, it smells like poison. I am at loss. I can never eat them fast enough. Does it mean I have to go out shopping for grocery every other day? Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit right in the ass.

Sorry for the bad language. I actually watched a talk of a new VC today, he's only 41. They're all so full of themselves and in this day and age make themselves "personality" like they just walked out of a TV show and it rubs a little off on you.


Do you consider internet cleansing a shower? Internet browsing history does need a good scrub every day - not for anyone but myself. I am deeply embarrassed by some of the things I browse during the day. Hopefully that will decrease. But it won't change the fact that it gets cleaned once every day.

I'm going to the small city in February. Remember that. I won't fucking relax until then, or ever, but.

I'm under so much pressure right now. I literally have triple -

no no.

Monday, December 25, 2017

Year in review

So it seems the year is ending in a week, and it seems the last week of the year will is Week of Books. OK. I'll decide on January 1 what the past year is called.

I don't know what to say anymore. I've cleaned the sofa today, and I'll put the books on the sofa. It's closer.

Yeah, it occurred to me a long time ago that since I only eat one meal a day, I can afford much better stuff. So enough with the dusty snacks next year, OK? I've had all the spices anyway, so let's just get better raw food, too. Would it help to stockpile berries now? Would you feel better if I ate a whole lot of berries every day? I need to wake up earlier.

I do like a freshly cleaned home. Between you and I I don't really trust other people to clean my home. I'm not a germophobe but I can't stand people who are not careful.

Anyway. Look. Time Terror.

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Holiday Paralysis

WTF I thought yesterday was Christmas Eve... I mean 24th. Good Lord. That means the city will go into paralysis tomorrow as well.

I understand that thoughts are supposed to be private, and this is an idiotic thing to do. But I think I can be excused for the sort of things I talk about, like whining.

I can't make sense of any holiday. I want holiday, tradition, but I can't enjoy any of them. It's weird. I like the idea of holiday, it seems, but it's not how I'd present it.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

Playing the End Game

Does it feel like the end game to you? Humanity is never going to stretch forward as much as it stretched backward. Ask people what's going to happen in the next 10-20 years, many of them will be hopeful. Ask them about the next 1000-2000 years... I doubt many are confident that people will even exist in 1000-2000 years. We all know it in our heart, don't we? The game is nearing the end. Many people live in retrospect now, myself included.

Nobody said End Game is bad. When a Civ game nears the end (that's when it depresses me the most, I could almost never make it past industrialization), that's when all technologies are researched, all wonders built, etc. Nobody said the end game is bad. It's good. It just only lasts for a very short time.

There is no colonization on Mars. There is not a planet we can reach in time that's comparable to Earth. We all know it's the end. All of us. We must know.

So there is nothing wrong with celebrating the "now", what we have accomplished, and embracing peace. But the end is rapid, and we're all facing increasingly more severe existential crisis. We should. It's the end of a species. Our species. The End of Us.

I could never play those post-apocalypse games or read those novels. What "post-apocalypse"? There is no "post". It is what it is.

We're playing the End Game, folks. Question is, are we in the last 10% or last 1%?

I think it'll be... no, it already is too late for people to realize that culture is consumable as other resources. Nothing can fill the hole caused by decades of stagnation.

​I honestly wish Europe comes up with a better strategy to deal with this crisis. I need Italy to be pristine when I go there.

I will say that refugees are largely blameless, cause they're refugees, that's their nature. I mean, even puppet all their home countries' regimes, please. It's not as dirty as dealing with dysfunctions in your own nation.

Many big players in the End Game. I just wish Italy can pick up the pace. Good Lord. Remember that Italian guy in college? I think he was Italian. When I was TA, I had to watch one of the most excruciating sessions of someone operating that program. He literally spent 10x other people's time crafting this thing and it's just not working. I don't get how someone can willingly sink in so much time in one assignment. Clearly he aimed for excellence and if he had any talent he'd end up with something great, but sadly he hadn't any. But that's one of the few times where I was genuinely shocked to the core how someone can be so slow at work. It terrifies me. Any inefficient thing terrifies me as it wastes time. Anyway, please oh fuck please get yourself together Italy.

Italy, France, England. These are my End Game. I honestly don't have any legitimate reason to concern myself with anything* happening in anywhere else that has no impact on these countries... and England.

*as in usually unexciting  politics

Friday, December 22, 2017

Life is

I have no complaint today.

It's just I realized just now that my life has been La Cocinera these days. From nuggets to fingers (...) to fish... just the other day as I was eating their atun... Tuna, I thought "I could do better than this". Now that my finger is healing and I got NoCry gloves, I'm ready to give it another shot. That's how persistent I am. Some day Diary, I will cook something that does not make me cuss at myself. Next year, hopefully, soon.

I had jerky, the rest of the bag of Lays chips, bread with butter (I had no time to wait for the butter to become room temperature so imagine little unspreadable chunks on the slices), two soft Principe cookies, 6 baby carrots dipped in yogurt, a large cup of coffee with sugar, two glasses of coconut water and a glass of water today. It's very unhealthy, and very unsatisfying, despite the jerky. I actually like none of those things cept jerky and coconut water. I have no creative juice for cooking. I've got to do something... this isn't life.

Oh and half of a Anna de Codorniu mini, which tastes like piss. I have to make it into Sangria somehow... winemaking is interesting. I like how fortified wine contains more alcohol - or the earlier alcohol is added in the fermentation process the sweeter it is. So they're strong wines, but not girly wines, but are often dessert wines.

But like why put up with it at all, like why can't I just admit I don't like wine, you know? I'd drink coconut water all day every day. I had cava, I had txakoli, I don't like any of them. Have a bunch of others to try, if I don't like them I'll make all of them into sangria. Or add to bomba rice in case it's white.

But yeah, now you've seen my pathetic diet, any idea? I was salivating at NYT Cooking recipes last night, there are so many things I want to try even though I already know the first few times will be disaster. And I dread the cleanup very very much. I don't want to keep talking about this, Diary, but believe it or not, I'm the sort of person who gets hungry with an empty stomach for over 20 hours. It's so exhausting. The La Cocinera example illustrates frozen food is not the answer. I must fucking step up.

God it's so tiring. My back hurts.

Oh I also got a reply about the OED2 listing - however, I checked and apparently the simple, new 3rd edition is a better choice.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Christmas ( s o o n )

I do love it here.

I received the jerky today and immediately ate 2 packs. It's not like any jerky I've ever tasted, but, I like it. It's warming up inside my belly now. Burn baby, burn.

I also got the Great Books of the Western World. I've been coveting it for 10 days and I can't hold it in anymore. I want it so bad. I don't want to think about how to transport them when I have to move in 2 years- please, 2 years- a lot can change in 2 years and I have an inkling that transportation is going to be the least of my problems.

How come the river in front of Uffizi looks like shit? River Arno, yeah. It literally looks like a river with shit flowing in it, much like the ones I saw in the documentary... documentaries about India. It looks so gross. But it's got Uffizi. The architectures of Florence aren't stunning AT ALL, it's so shocking - but it's got Uffizi. You know? It's... you can never having all things.

Will you please look at this picture. Even the water in the fountain looks like shit. How can Italy let things fall into such disrepair? I knew since the year they started auctioning off their castles but this is in the center of the city and it's so embarrassing.

OK, since I paused there I bought some more $400 worth of books. Shit's getting serious. I can look up the new works and vol 54-60 on I guess, and I'll deal with Latin later. I can't help myself. I finally understand what is it like being a fetishist. Fetish. Fetishism. This definitely isn't healthy. I prefer paper when there is digital, and it's out of the scope and logic of the benefit of professional organization like I talked to you about. Without physical books, I will die.

I tell you what it feels like: it feels like buying people. It feels like buying the best there is. Without all the emotional and gestational issues attached. They put their time to the best use and here is the product, and you can have it for what you pay in mere utility and a fraction of your rent. It's not even comparable. The joy the papers give me. People keep complaining how expensive books are, but I'm constantly wondering why aren't they stuffing their homes full of them. Stop using paper plates, keep administrative records online, streamline everything, I support that. But there is no need to reduce printing of books for the sake of trees. Books (good books of course) is the best outcome of trees. It fuses great thought with its pure, clean, organic matters. It's so romantic.

Anyway. I have more than enough jerky for the winter, one of my most favorite collections is on its way and some more intriguing, relaxing stuff. I'm stoked. I'm going to bed. Good night.

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

100 Ways to Meet Hollywood People

I've read some upsetting things from materialistic people today. I face no risk of becoming that but it's so distressing.

Monday, December 18, 2017

Taketh out the trash ( ? )

100€ worth of jerky from the only brand that seems mainstream and trustworthy I can find on because the other European sites don't have none on its way.

Before I took out the trash I looked out the windows and I was like oh the cleaning vans were early today because the ground is already wet but no! When I went downstairs I saw that it's raining! What a miracle. Don't believe anything on no more, it's global warming, and so much more, that it's just been drought here all year. Raining this month? I didn't think it's possible, yet it is!

You know how happy rain makes me, Diary. It smooths my heart that things are happening.

The stairways are dirty though. This thick piece of lint was just lying there and I bet it's been there for days.

I was surprised to see that there are so many people who have never had jerky in their entire life. They were also complaining it's too hot. I don't know. Maybe there are really only a few people who love hot spicy food.

The wound is closing in, Diary. I wouldn't be surprised if it'll take another whole month, but it's healing. I also haven't heard of Instant Pot until I read about in in NYTimes today, and now it's selling out. I mean, how come there aren't any in Europe? I've learned my lesson & I know 3 qt is more than enough. I do feel sore about paying for shipping that is as expensive as the good itself though. Anyway. I will have coconut chips and jerky for Christmas and I'm not asking for more.

Oh I just realized I have to buy from their UK site since the different voltage... yeah. Not in hurry.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

jerky .

I'm literally grinding my teeth at the thought of jerky. Come, to, me

No! Too much trouble. I must starve and work !


We should allow things exist, as in, those we have no control over.

I was told I'm foolish for liking jerky, because only inferior meat is used to make jerky. Yes, I know. The best meat is best tasted raw, with minimum seasoning. Only the crumbles and broken pieces are fit to be mixed with a ton of spices and sold as snack. But, I mean, what do people have against spice? For me, jerky is like spices with meat texture in it.

Yes I do admit that, Diary, while I don't like clubbing or any of that, I don't interfere with its existence. There is no point forcing people to be the same, the co-existence without interacting with each other is great. It's good enough for me. Yes, I mean no, I never once thought it'd be nice if they're all gone. People are allowed to like what they like, despite even legality. I get that. I will continue to like jerky.

No, none of that truly bothered me. What always bothers me is the same, that my group seems to be incredibly small. I don't care other groups are incredibly big, I just care about my group being incredibly small. It's annoying to say at the least. We're probably very scattered. No. That doesn't sound right.

I'm not in the right places anyway. I only have the patience to visit such places, and I don't have the patience to go to the right places. I will, and I must.

I won't get a dog, or a cat, Diary, although I really want to sometimes. They weaken you. Yeah. I'll have to "cave to" something to have one of those again. Making believe some unintelligible mutter to be purrs of love while human mutterings are unintelligible enough. But. Yeah, I know.

Since when did Heroes become an Eastern European game, btw? They're going to Russia next year, and although I've always wanted to visit the Winter Palace & see the works in Hermitage, I can't make sense of it. Did they consider to host an event once in France even? Oh yeah they did, a different kind, many years ago. I'm just surprised that the remaining players are all Eastern Europeans.

Games have no appeal to me these days. I don't know why. I thought I'd be excited about Civ 6 for a while longer, but I'm just not anymore. I do look forward to Far Cry 5 though. All the retro 8-bit shit are still trending, it's disgusting. I can't believe kids today put up with it, or maybe they're curious. Look at Minecraft, is it still a thing? Gross, I don't want to think about it.

I want to keep immersing myself in a time where people are harsh about themselves and have standards.

Saturday, December 16, 2017

I want jerky

Don't you find it odd that "snack" generally stands for nuts or sweets? What happened to savory snack?

I honestly fear hostel or any place that claims it's a good place to "meet and mingle" or "connect". It's so terrifying. Choke-full of poor young people with abundant energy and mischief. It's horrible. I never want to go anywhere near it. Also clubs. I have never been to a club and I never want to. It's so filthy. Why are such filthy places always crowded with degenerated destitute people? When did they become fashionable... I mean I guess there were brothels back in the day but at least they weren't "hip" or "popular" in the sense they're today. I don't know. It's so gross.

I don't want to live in a place where there are a lot of old people either. I just don't get why so many young people must go to filthy places like those. Why don't they frequent libraries and galleries anymore? I mean, they're probably cheaper even, if money is the matter. A cocktail is at least $4, right? I mean, anyway, I don't get it.

I guess the only hope is in private clubs, eh? The real sense of club. A place where people can have dignified exchanges and not be retarded animals.

All of them are dead, Diary.

Friday, December 15, 2017

Finger is OK

Now I think it'll take a month to say at least to heal this poor finger. But it don't hurt like it did in the past two days, and I have to focus on work.

Diary, the "simple' passing of time always terrifies me. But it's a different terror than that awaits me in the kitchen. It's almost Christmas. It's really, really soon. I went out to fetch the steamer that they repaired today, and I saw so many people. There really are a lot of people on the street, and the smell...

I feel extra alone in crowd, you know that. I can never go to a family restaurant, or a restaurant that often caters to groups. Unfortunately most of them are like that. I mean, that's the whole purpose, to socialize over food. Why else would you go to a restaurant? No reason at all. I am too picky on my company.

But that's fine. I haven't decided what group I want to join. I haven’t yet figured out what group I belong to. I may be fine like this, but I wonder every day. What is a place I can call home? What people I feel comfortable around? Who do I think understand me? Who don't I mind getting along with all day every day?

These things come so easy to some people. But we all make our own ways in the world.

I'm fascinated... infatuated with certain ideas, Diary. In fact when juxtaposed with radically different ideas, which are prevalent, the latter seems utterly repulsive. Does it have to be?

I love Irish cheese. I'm sorry, butter. I haven't tried the cheese yet. And I have expressed that. Ireland is very interesting. I don't so much look forward to visiting its lands as much I want to meet its people.

But, the philosophies of the world will converge at some point, in the future, in a grander sense, of course.

I like a of of things about this world and I've learned to look at the brighter sides.

Thursday, December 14, 2017


I'm sorry, I find my wound fascinating, it's distracting me. I'd very much like my finger to be whole. I don't know how long it's going to take to heal. This is worse than all before, I know it's working on it but, could be sooner.

I love my finger. All of my fingers.

And I need them.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Do you shit where you eat?

Last night I had a plumbing problem. I rushed to Carrefour, got the plunger and fixed it.

Today I hurt myself again with the same device in the kitchen. I'm telling you, that tool is a killer. I spent so much time shaving cheese into the pot, and I never know what to do with the last bit. And there! I sliced my finger and three layers of skin and flesh came off like a slice of jamon. It literally- I looked at the wound and it's clear that 3 layers were cut and it literally looked like a wounded jamon.

Whatever. I failed too by the way, mac and cheese. Way too much mac and not enough cheese. This is torture. All of my cooking is torture. Why do I keep trying? I know I wouldn't derive any sort of "joy" either way, it's just keeping myself from dying. So why do I try? God damn it, Diary. I just can't. I can't stomach my own nasty cooking anymore. But I crave mac and cheese. I really want to have mac and cheese whenever I want to have them. Hot- warm. Nice. Homey.

I will never. God. OK. Whatever.

What's really bothering me is since I don't have a permanent residence, I feel uneasy about acquiring all the good books I want. And quite frankly, it's driving me crazy. I can get the collection for myself for my birthday, or Christmas, whichever comes first, you wouldn't know - but, I can't. Because I'm going to leave and... I just really want to settle down, you know? I don't want to arrange mailing 1000 lbs of books when I go. I really don't like reading articles on the internet. For a quick look-up, internet is the best. But I want index. I want dictionary. I want encyclopedia. Wikipedia doesn't have organization, you have to know what you're looking for to be able to utilize it. I want to see everything. Everything. Everything!

People don't get that. I told you how I felt about the retard at Slate, right? Yeah.

I'm tossing away the bland pears, too. They've been in the fridge since July.

Ownership. Could it be because I haven't acquired the permanence I need that I overcompensate on other things? But ownership- ownership is irrational.

I just need to know, Diary. Instantly. I hope the DVD helps.

God it really tastes terrible. I don't want any plumbing problems or cooking problems ever again. It's hateful that I have to deal with, well, one of these every day. Every time I go into the kitchen I struggle to think of ideas that can minimize the time I spend there. No dice. And all this terrible cooking must have done great damage to my health. Will you please look at this bowl of "mac and cheese"? If I take it to a homeless person he will undoubtedly take it as an affront. I'm just terrible, Diary. I'm so terrible. There are people who enjoy their 3 meals a day. Me, I'm suffering once every day and it lasts forever. This is just pathetic. I'm so terrible at cooking. God. Every ingredient loses its flavor as soon as I touch it. Every food is not what it is. I'm just... this is so terrible.

Monday, December 11, 2017

Better-looking politicians

Now that we're going to dramatize real life for entertainment and more people than ever are paying attention to politics, I predict... it's inevitable that politicians will have to be better-looking, and younger.

It's OK I suppose?

Wine Cake

The only side effect alcohol has on me seems to be... it makes me sleepy.

Other than that, I'm exceptionally calm and focused... no, focus is not the right word. Single-minded, I guess you would say.

Watching people get drunk and do stuff on TV, it's like watching an alien documentary. Am I supposed to have that reaction? I don't do that. I've seen people who do that. I never get talkative after drinking. It just makes me prefer... more silence.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

I have stomach for one meal a day.

It's weird innit. I want to eat something else but I'm full from lunch. Two hot dogs. I downed 2 hot dogs and I can't eat anything anymore. It's just not possible. Well, saves time eating & being in the kitchen.

But you know what I bet I have stomach for some berries. Hold on a sec.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Egregious Punishment

It's fair to say that I'm holding on to one end of the lever.


 ? ? ?

 a day is forever

Friday, December 8, 2017

It was worse before it's better

I've decided to take shower in the morning from now on.

A horde of people went through this passage today.

I have yet to get myself into the mania I need to be in. It's ironic isn't it? First I needed to be calm, now I need to be a maniac.

It's actually a nice feeling knowing your blood is being drained into a cotton pad. It's dying without the actual outcome.

Like the 6 house situation. Oh yes. I do remember now that I did them for very good reasons.

The first place, I was one of the only few that escaped the boarding school... at night. I didn't have to deal with curfew and rules anymore. I was living like an adult.

The second place was just a dorm, how it was assigned by the school. I could complain about my luck, but on the bright side, it was just above the dining hall.

The third place was the best I could do under such a short time notice. I didn't have to live more than 300m from school my whole college years - only a few managed that.

The fourth place was great, and the window thing was my own negligence.

The fifth place was the only time I lived with my international friends, and again, the best I could manage in short time notice after returning from a semester abroad.

The 6th place, now, is great. It's got no heating pipes because this is one of those designer eco buildings with avant-garde lifestyle concept. The location is amazing.

I've come to realize that there is an upside and downside to every of my major trade-offs. I've made those decisions for very good reasons. When it comes to housing, I'm sane and I know that location is always the priority. I'm sure I could always do better in retrospect, but who could live in retrospect...?

I can just hope that I have become older and wiser. One of those is for sure. I will be 26 in a month. Calendar says I will have lived on this earth for 1356 weeks. It is still terrifying, and I don't know what it means. For now I crave some oily, spicy shredded beef if you know what I'm talking about. They don't sell that here. Why is that most snacks are sweet. I just might be developing sweet tooth after all these years.

I wonder what goes on in other solar systems. We have exhausted our imagination and potential. I know it's a harsh thing to say, but it is true when you look at the new stuff that's coming out every day these days. I've been trying to pinpoint where have we peaked, culturally speaking, and I could not find it. I will, some day. The old made culture for us to consume, and today we work at better laws and morals to ensure everyone has equal rights and every dimwit can live like a king. I have no passion for life if not for God, and I doubt if my purpose will be realized in this life.

What if when you open a door and the secret behind it is nothing new? The hallway goes on and on, and there are infinite number of doors. I hope God sheds some light on me once more and deliver me from this eternal boredom.

Spain Loves me

And I love Spain. OK. Glad we established that. Not only it "loves" me, that's just a piece of humor, God knows it needs people like me, too. No worries, I'm happy to be here yet.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

This is Painful

It’s that time of the month again. Oh God, it is torture. I’ve downed 3 pills already and I’m still in pain. I heard exercising will make this more bearable, so you have me not exercising in the past month to thank.

Oh God, I’m in so much pain, the cramps are really bad. After I took a shit I felt like kneeling on the floor. Good Lord. Oh God. I’m never going to have a baby, God could you cancel this function please? Please! I beg you, please!

God Diary. Please let tomorrow be better than today. Please let the pills take effect. I can’t. This is too much pain. Oh please God Oh Please..

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

No food

How long do I have to suffer my own cooking? I tried to re-create a dish I've been craving tonight and it turned out nothing like it.

Then I looked into my pantry and found I have nothing to eat. How did that happen? A person cannot survive on sugar, sauce and conserved goods. I just realized I have more sauce than I can keep track of and nothing to use the sauce on. That's ridiculous. But here is the problem. The sauce is there, it's done, but I'm having trouble with the main thing, the base to use it on. I still suck at cooking. And the only one who suffers it is myself. I saw the opened egg noodles in the pantry and I cried inside a little. Do you know how nasty it was? I perfectly ruined it on two occasions. I don't know how you can mess it up so bad. It tasted so awful - so awful and bland at the same time. How do they do it? How do they make noodles not disgusting?

I have been wanting to cook macaroni and cheese for a while, too. I haven't dared to try it. They don't have quick Kraft stuff here so I'll really need to start from scratch. See the thing is, Diary, every time I try to cook a new dish, it takes a toll on me. There isn't even a dish I'm consistently good at. I'm sad in the kitchen.

That said, I did a little bit of decoration today and it brightened up my mood. My desk is now Christmassy and festive, and I like my new napkins. I wish it's Christmas all year round. I just might live it that way. Or not.

And I figured for the few times I go out I might as well dress up nicely when I do. I've kind of let myself go in the past, sorry. I just want to be as far away from the... that sad situation as possible, you know? And this experience really helped me learn and accept my place in the world, too. I can see it now clearly. I do not have to wait for people to catch up, I just need to find people I can get along with. And my place may never rise as high as I expected, but now I'm OK with it. Anything is better than brooding and stagnation. I think that even for people who want to change the world, acceptance of reality is still very important. I must accept reality, Diary. I won't be open to the idea of hanging out with people whom I know in my heart I'm uncomfortable hanging out with. And the people I do feel comfortable around, I won't mind how others might judge me for it. I think I've made a lot of mistakes over the years on this issue, in fact I may have been making these mistakes since I went to college, but it's been long enough. I really have learned a lot and now I must accept myself.

Regarding PP, I know it's a long shot, but I'd like to know the direction it will finally take. I need to see beyond the future. There must be others who feel this way - as I do, and I wonder what they are doing about it now.

Do you remember the old times, when I had my peace of mind and I would go into the world of books? I think it's time for that to return. I miss the world of books. Now that I am relatively calm, maybe I'm ready.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Sad character study

I recently did a character study and it's just sad. It makes me rethink about my stance on happiness. Maybe I should pursue it after all, and help others attain it.

See, the study- the story of the character itself is a sad one, to the extreme. No one died (yet), but everything about the character is of the most conflicted and tragic I've ever seen. He's born into a family made of great conflict, and he inherited the worst thoughts from both sides. He projected these thoughts, loathing, pity toward all parties involved onto people around him, then social groups at large, and his resentment brewed and deepened for a decade. A man of moderate intelligence, his put his brains as well as rage to work and concocted such a plan to revenge the society and himself. He antagonized people and brought them agony, he created dissents and caused divisions, he exhausted his resource, time and energy to create a vast network and an elaborate, well researched- well, cherry-picked narrative and he devotes his life spreading lies he convinced himself to believe. Yet the entirety of his adulthood is recorded online, because he spent his entire adulthood online, and that is why I got such a comprehensive character study. All his mistakes, his past, his grievance, his infiltration, etc. etc. are laid bare, excavated by internet sleuths from any distasteful forum to archives of his deleted stuff. Thanks to their tireless documentation and his articulation, the character is really wholly fleshed out and the story so far is complete.

I don't find finding a tidbit of anecdote here and there interesting or worthwhile, which is why I don't pay attention to such short stories. This is such a whole story. You see the causation and consequences so clearly. It's like they're in this perfect ecosystem of hatred and self-abuse. It's unbelievable but I have to keep reminding myself that it's real that man can live with such internal conflicts. He accuses of others exactly his own sins, he derides people like himself while pretending to be the opposite, he advocates for harm of his own kind as if everything he does is for his own demise. The most incredible of all is the people he came in contact with. He actually attracts people with similar illness. It ended up being two people from two different marriages cheating with each other, they were each married to the exact people they felt they hate the most but say they cherish the best, they both hate themselves, they toy with each other, but they're partners in crimes at the same time, they both pretend to be all sorts of tough, and they confess their extremely superficial love for each other in such juvenile ways. The character is so far gone from happiness and so deep in a world of hate that it only ensures a bad ending to the story. The last time I found his trace, he was seen defending someone by attacking that someone's attacker by joking that said person could be responsible for the next mass shooting. Yet when I did the study I found his own mindset and psych composition was strikingly similar to a real mass shooter that shared his exact problem. He consciously, or unconsciously emulated this real mass shooter while projecting his violence onto someone else- onto someone opposite.

I don't know if we often project onto someone opposite. In fact I have to think if I do any projection myself. But first, know that the internet sleuths and more-than-casual observers are keeping tabs on him. If anything I don't believe internet vigilantism will prevent mass shooting or any terrorist attack, but I'm somewhat relieved that someone's keeping him in check. Like I said there is no way this story is going to end well, and that's what got me thinking about happiness.

Let's roll back a bit. I don't think I have projected onto anyone. I have plenty of vices but this isn't one of them. I don't do that. I simply don't. Maybe I do a little when I assume everyone's competence, maybe I set a high standard for everyone else like I do for myself and that's why I get frustrated easily. I don't know if that's projection. Do you think it is? All I know is if I stop assuming everyone is functional I will lose my mind.

But happiness. The feeling I get when I know there is a bad ending, for sure, to a real life story... it's unlike an event, an article you read somewhere that summarizes one's life. This is a dramatic, elaborate story, and just as I was finished I realized it was even comparable to Shakespeare's plays. It's so sad, Diary. You have no idea how sad it is. I can't imagine anyone being happy to read a story like that. A story like that is soul-crushing, because every aspect of it is filled with pain, oppression and aggravated despair. I suddenly get all sorts of metaphors and idioms that describe such dark, hellish place in your head.

It has been an enriching experience to understand the dark side of humanity. Humanity is truly profound, and I had no idea it could cause such struggle within one's self. I now know how some monsters are made. I hope one day I'll stop gasping when I read about all sorts of horror committed by humans, but without a doubt that will be the darkest day of all. I can feel this story wearing on me - if I continue this path, it will erode whatever little optimism I have in life away.

I need happiness in my life, Diary. Reading this story... having done this study, I mean, it makes me realize that people do have to strive for it. Maybe I didn't need it before and that's why I thought I'd never need it, but the story took something away from me- by showing me the hopelessness and destructive psyche, just the extent of which a person can have. It's harrowing. It really is harrowing.

Maybe I'm not unhappy to begin with. If anything, I also learned that I don't want a story without a happy ending. That feeling knowing a story has a bad ending is terrible and makes you never want to revisit it again. Who likes a story with a bad ending? Even Shakespeare's tragedies must offer something other than the bitter end. I'm already a natural pessimist Diary, I can't look into artificially saddened stories.

Good God. I can't help but think that... I must be green in some people's eyes. So many people must know worse story than this. They might think I'm inexperienced. I'm so easily traumatized. All I know is I have to distance myself from things like this at all cost. I can't contain this much failure and delusion and sadness in others. I can't do that.

Good God Diary.

Sunday, December 3, 2017


The thing about the first place is, it had a huge bed almost as big as the room. I believe it's a 2x2m square bed. It was either teal or turquoise. It's entirely too big for a 16 yo and half of it served as both the desk and the closet. But at least it wasn't dorm. Going from too small to too big.

The thing about the second place is the bunk-bed. I am afraid of heights and I had to climb up top every night. And it was too close the the ceiling. That thing about school is a fucking disgrace. No place that you have to pay upward of $50,000/yr to get into should make you sleep in a bunk-bed.

The thing about the third place is, there were entirely too many people in the house. Also, you were living in an attic.

The thing about the fourth place is, I forgot to open the windows (any of them) for about two and half months. I don't know what health damage I did to myself because of that. I'm living with it now. Oh, also my roommate liked cold temperature (about 60F in winter).

The thing about the fifth place is, the whole house was slanted.

The thing about the sixth place is, there is no traditional way of heating the room. In summer AND winter you have to rely on the air conditioner. It also doesn't have gas. The only bills you pay are water and electricity.

I'm in the 6th place now. Someone says life is a series of bad decisions. I'm always miserable in winter.

Look, Diary... I am a fairly independent person, what worries me is I constantly make bad decisions that worsen my living conditions. - To the point I don't trust myself anymore. It seems someone with such record can't break this streak. I'm really concerned. I have never, in my life, lived in a place where I felt comfortable. Never. I never felt quite at home, you know. There is always something- major things, and it boggles my mind how every time I convinced myself to live in this place.

I had an insulting dream last night. First part of it was OK. Maybe it's because I talked about deep ocean (the resemblance of it) before I went to bed, I was on sea. But on surface. It was still horrific, but OK. I can't articulate it to you but I was alone on this broken boat and there was a little raft beside it. I was on a trip or a journey. Anyway I was alone and I invented this mind game where I played a list of songs in my head and every song corresponded to a personality. So I was playing a bunch of characters while hopping back and forth between the boat and the raft. In the middle of the ocean. I was happy. I was pleased with the game. But then the raft veered off while I was on it and began to sink into the ocean. So I hopped back to the boat - I think, and I saw people, and the journey went on metaphorically and I didn't know how I got on land. But instantly I was transferred into this carriage. This rusty black carriage with a car's head attached to it- I mean the frontal part of a car. Like a compartment. And the driver was in there. And I was in the passenger seat with someone else. And this is where it started to get insulting. It was a middle aged man, and he started to molest me. The word "molest" literally appeared in my head while I was in this bit. He touched all over me and reached to flap the lapels on my top open- it's the exact same white shirt-like PJ from Ralph Lauren I wore last night- and revealed a good portion of my boobs.

It's disturbing. I felt all very insulted when I woke up. It was just plain insulting.

Saturday, December 2, 2017

They fixed the light

They fixed the light. Yesterday at night, well after 10 I think, I was dreading the abyss right underneath. It's fucking unnerving like we're in the deep ocean. The street is right there, yet you can't see it. It's like the building plunges under for five hundred meters and beyond. I had to turn on my desk lamp for two nights in a row and of course that resulted in me not getting good sleep and my eyes fucking hurt. But around 10 the damn thing was on and I felt OK again, actually I felt more than OK and did my grocery shopping until 6:00.

Shameful innit. I basically have a stock of the supermarket at my home now. One of every kind. The condiment and sauces I mean. Here is my conclusion. You should always have all spices and sauces imaginable, cause they don't expire, or have a long shelf life. And you should only get the raw material fresh. But I have stocked a lot of cookies, sweets and chocolate, too. If I don't shop for the next two years I can probably live off those.

One year. That's bit of a stretch. One year is OK I think. I mean I'll die from not eating fruit and veg but, maybe I was just talking about calories and carbs, you know. Let's not go back.

I am a very insecure person. In that respect. I am... I feel secure and insecure at the same time.

Playing CIV 6 today, I did not enjoy it at all. All games have lost meaning now. Games aren't "fun" anymore. The only thing I remember is the narrative from some of the RPGs. I don't miss the gameplay. For most of the 3As- that I'm interested in- I'm only watching cutscene compilations anyway. I just don't find any game mechanics interesting. Micro-management, that's CIV, there is really not much room for strategy for the way everything is programmed. Shooting, driving, killing, never interested in those. Training for skills, just wasting a bunch of time to repeatedly watch pre-rigged animation. Imagine my shock when I first found out about the business model of charging people for skin-sets.

That's one of the things that worry me. I keep thinking people want logical products. I don't know what makes people happy. People want happy products and I don't know what they could be because I aggressively don't care what makes someone happy. I really, actively, violently, aggressively do not care. That is a problem. It was fine before but now I see it's a problem. Maybe I'm too self-centered to find out. But I have to. I have to, don't you see?

Oh Diary I guess this is what you call a bit of a bind. I'm in.

It's getting chillier and chillier every day. True autumn only lasted about 10 days. And you're thinking of living in some place colder in the future?

Friday, December 1, 2017

Holy City @ Night

Are they having a strike or is it street light malfunctioning? The entire calle is dark, and this has never happened before. The garbage bags are piling up on the street and they didn't collect - I'm watching the time- it's after 00 now and usually the car comes to pick it up around 11:40. So...

I never seen this street totally dark before. Nobody would take this street at night. It also makes me realize that I definitely want to live somewhere with hints of other people's existence. I never seriously entertained living in a remote place anyway, but. All sides of the house can't all be obstructed. Have to see light from other people's living space.

I'm actually quite afraid of darkness.

Can you blame me? This city is politically in turmoil and I can never know what is a sign.