Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Hello there. How are you ?

Want the hat to talk again . . . 

London, Ontario

Paris, Texas

H'which is more dreamy?

Don't larf, London has 300k+ population.

What do you want, Diary?

Are you tired of my sulkiness?

Do you want me to change - for better - for good ? 

OH !


No no, wait a second.

circa 2010 1 min

Oh Fuck

 I poisoned myself with salt tonight. I don't know why it didn't occur to me before, but actual Asian soy sauce contains much more salt ( concentration ) than Heinz etc. Oh Gosh. That's a lot of salt.

I hope I don't die tonight for something stupid like that. I'm not afraid of death, I just really don't want to go in such insane way.


I can't even think straight. Get it together you moron.

lit yet cringy music


Broken Technology

semantic engineering fail 1 0 0  %

 A P O C A L Y P S E        N  O  W 

Sunday, October 29, 2017


tixmstr don't ask for no name, does that mean you can buy 100 tickets and sell them to others?

Nevermind. I don't like GOT all that much but I figured I'd check out the live music. Funny thing, as the Heroes concert was in session, an intrusive tune popped into my head and I couldn't figure out what it was. When I came back to the hotel it occurred to me it's Light of the Seven. And today - just now, I was just randomly Googling the composer and I found there is a live concert? In zis city too. So I might as well go next year. Another funny thing, the tix were being sold out as I was checking out the seats.

It's sad that I can't get normal symphony & orchestra, but this contextual stuff is all good.

I also wonder if there are really only 300 copies of vinyl. Cause they were selling it at the event and I think at least 30-60 people bought it. I thought about stocking them too, not necessarily for reselling purposes but because an article told me sound quality gets seriously degraded after you play vinyl a whole bunch of times. But because the shop charges 12 euros shipping for every LP record I just feel it's so shameless and I didn't do it. Anyways.

It's a great trip. Everything about the concert was great, and everything not about the concert was exhausting. I hope the GOT one is good also. Honestly unlike Heroes music of which 100% I like, I only like two pieces from GOT -  light of 7 & winds of winter. But why not, I'll go, and it's right here.

Oh I heard BOTN is going to be in Italy next year, so I might have a reason to visit Italy. These two things are both happening in the first 10 days of May, which is a prime time as I understand. I also want to go to Madrid in May but who knows. I'm going to take someone with me if I'm to attend the BOTN next year though. Anyways. I'm glad it's all next year. I'm fucking tired.

Neck is about to snap.

lmao I bet everyone remembers COMBAT 2 forever.

Ah Diary, that's about as much as I want to say about the trip and music. I am behind on so many fucking things I should really kill myself. I cannot tell you how big of a sin it is to do so badly. But Alas God let me live on for a reason, I must rectify all the problems... pronto

Saturday, October 28, 2017


Writing this from airport.

I didn’t break my promise, Diary.   This is partly due to the sort of language I’d use with myself if I did.  In the past few days I have called myself a retard at least one hundred times in my head every day.

I failed to impress, Diary.  Because of my tardiness, it came out on the same level a pit lord someone drew. I love an Inferno fan, but it is my eternal shame.  You only have one chance to make first impression, and I fucked it up. If I had taken two - three hours, I’d have a poster like the Vayaron one. Instead I...  I will hate myself for years for it.  The show itself is good, and as you know I don’t like to talk about good things. I was not surprised at all that they opened with h2 knight theme, at the same time one thing that irks me is they didn’t play h3 main title the way it is. H3 main title is quintessential Heroes. Every time you hear it you know you’ll about to have a good adventure time.

Anyway. I don’t know why every trip has to end with me in a severe bad mood. It’s true for every trip. There is always something in the end. This would be a cuntish Norwegian. Fucking arrogant asshole. This is like the cunt VC who showed me his daughter’s manga doodle that looked like it was clawed by a chicken. Fucking cunts. I’m not jealous Diary, I truly hate parents who are proud of their worthless child. This Norwegian is a cunt otherwise anyway. It’s a paradox innit, I have to know more of them to make informed generalization, but I have less and less desire to go there let alone know anyone.  If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. Until then, fuck these people. Fucking condescending pricks.

Poles are lovely, mostly. But I honestly have no energy. I don’t want to figure out why Heroes has such a big fanbase in Poland. I thought it’s Russia? By last night I could not distinguish Russian and Polish so who knows, maybe a whole lot of Russians came.

I had a couple of hours to spare before the flight. But the weather is so horrendous...

It was all raining and gray when I got to Wroclaw yesterday, as I walked along the riverbank I said to myself : “ Didn’t you say you like raining you FUCKING  RETARD ? ”

And I did. But not like this. I realized how wonderful Barcelona is, and again how endearing the Spaniards are. The Poles I encountered are nice, but there is no way in hell I can put up with their culture for longer than two days. It’s not a negative or poor opinion, just a bad fit.

I don’t like traveling, Diary. I have traveled, it’s worth it and meaningful, but I have come back to tell you I don’t like traveling. This is the Greatest length I have gone for a hobby -  there is nothing like it so I don’t think I’ll do it again.  No more. Please, please no more.

To discourage you ordering room service ze hotel put a scale in the bathroom.  I ordered it anyway.

Gosh Diary, I shouldn’t let one cuntish Norwegian ruin this wonderful trip. I think it’s the collapse of Nordic countries’ image that’s bothering me. For all the good things I hear and read from papers and stuff, one hundred percent ( 100 % )  of the people I met are insufferable tools, on and offline. Fuck these arrogant pricks, I hope they rot in their circle jerk circles.  I don’t have time to hold off this opinion.

No matter how these arrogant fools stereotype Italians and Spaniards, they’re my favorite people in Yorope. Of course that might change, like if my landlord conned any of my 7000€ deposit, or someone steals from me or hurt me in any form that breaks the littlest of skin.  But until then I have literature and experience, and they tell me who I like the best.

I loath myself a great bit after I stepped on the scale. I’m going to change back, Diary.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

I fucking hate traveling now

I want to come home even though I haven't left it yet. I honestly don't want to travel for at least a year.

I don't want to travel, Diary. I don't like traveling. There are too many little fucking things to take care of I can't.  I don't wanna. I don't want no temporary anything.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017


Nosebleed, excellent - that's always a sign of good health.

Don't worry Diary, I'm not dying today - I don't think. It was an accident.

Synchronicity, another symbolic yet meaningless activity in . . . 



  I  feel like I'm still taking nonsense into account which is why I keep questioning a supposedly "final" decision. I think I overlook a lot of things, but one thing we should take granted as a human being is the ability to tell before doing. You know what I'm saying?

Ah you idiot


it goin b slow  a f 

impressive backpackers

you know I just realized I'm never going to visit some of the places I want to visit. I admire those who can travel disregarding sanitation and safety. You know, they have a big backpack of the essentials and they can really delve into nature.

I'm afraid I won't even take a proper camping trip my whole life.

I wonder when did it start to happen. Keep in mind I did live in a slanted house where I had to physically grab the edge of my desk in order not to slip back and slam into the door. It has to be after college, yes.

I have a very strong "who should do what" mentality, and apparently suffering in any form is out of the question since then. I'm allergic to dirt.

Gosh Diary, this isn't good. I think the dread I feel about going to some places is unfounded. But I need comfort. I need it so badly. I want comfort all day every day with no interruption, and I don't know why. Maybe it's bc I'm so mentally strained.

When you think about it - really think about it  -  Do you really think you can come through with 2 travels per month? Do you want to deal with TSA twice every month?  How do you feel about queuing? And Waiting?   Gosh I can't believe I asked you about "Waiting". Remember the number of times you flipped because of waiting.

Over 1000000000000000000000000000000000

Settle down, woman. You don't know how bad Brexit is going to fuck you, I know. At worst, we'll waste half a mil on some worthless people in the span of 5 years - if we ever obtained that disposable income. However, I don't ever see how half a mil is going to be disposable in that sense. Waste it on people, too.

No. This is probably fate. You have always got the second best. Maybe you'll break a promise tomorrow, you worthless...

I don't want to. God it's just one day. I don't want to break my promise.

I'm honestly so tired of this incessant migrating. And renting. Living in places where others have lived. I honestly consider buying a patch of land and build a house from scratch. I can't otherwise I honestly can't. One thing I'll make sure is I won't have a pool. I don't want to see a pool ever again.

At the same time I know I can't. I will definitely move at least twice from now. I know for sure. So I keep torturing myself.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

No Surprise

am I surprised this used to be the headquarter of some shit startup called... ugh it's always these consultant firms. How the fuck do consultant firms even survive.

Spaniards really suck at small startups. Kudos to Ortega, but businesses are make it or break it out here. It's just hard to watch. Oh God.  I got their letter, I left it on the stand. Doubt someone would collect, it appears they moved the company to Malaga. Who the fuck incorporates here anyway, three times too.

I have actually thought long and hard about this, Diary. If you're not wasted, actually... hmm yeah, it's just me. If you're like me, you won't go to Malaga. BCN has a horrible, horrible startup scene, no hope in sight, luckily I don't operate here. But if you're anything you'll go to Madrid or Bilbao. There is nowhere else. Nowhere else in Spain is fit to both live and work at the same time for some of the sectors I'm interested in.

I studied the maps long and hard too. If you look, if you'll just look at the maps of Spain and France, Diary, and you keep in mind how wealth and industry is distributed, the level of local autonomy and characteristics of their industry, it becomes abundantly clear how the economy and creativity don't benefit from concentration. The cities layout has been of a big interest to me lately, I can't stop thinking about it.

I also discovered the somewhat surprising connection between airport conditions and local economic strength.

Oh found the photo.

Oh it's a digital agency now.

Whatever. Look, the whole entire point is, there aren't that many places to live on earth.  I done my research, there is no such thing as Utopia.

I always fantasized about this place, it's filled with people who are not wasting their time, who are smart and driven and fun, and young, at least 20% are in their 20s, and has good views. Lake, ocean or both. And forests. Nice weather, four seasons. Have snow in winter, rain at least 60 days a year.

That is too much to asking. That is too fucking much. Only after I put time into research I found that on this earth, this beautiful Goddamn big blue Planet Earth, there doesn't exist such a place.

I mean, think about how big the earth is, and realize there doesn't exist such a place. It doesn't seem all that outrageous, but it is. So I'll have to choose.

I don't like exploring, Diary. The more countries I have lived, the less I want to go out. I don't like traveling now, like at all. I have no desire to go out. I want to find that dream town and settle down. I want it so bad.

It's easy to look at the big names and it's quick enough to find that they don't fit. It's pretty wild already, to be able to choose FUCKING WHEREVER I WANT TO LIVE. Cept it doesn't exist.

So I have choose. It should not surprise you at this point that I first let go of the people requirement. You know my principles. I want to know people's work and not themselves, you know, their story or personality, none of that. How they start a famil, how are their kids, what are their hobbies, do they want to hang out, I want none of that. I just want to know their works. IRL interaction is so overrated, I've discovered since 3 years ago.

So the goal is to find a town that has four seasons, a large body of water and good infrastructure.

It's fucking INSANE if this town doesn't exist either.

When you're looking at infrastructure, you don't need to research the inhabitants so thoroughly. You just have to look at the local industries and economic power.

And as you have guessed I must study the global climate system. It's fun. Even places I'm never going to go I'm going to learn about it. It's fun. Four Seasons, heh .

Look, even Köppen-Geiger has 10 different interpretations.


If i'm goin to stay up so be it.

Don't Keep Long Hair For CV

I got a new "resume" the other day, it's just. If you know your FB profile is going to come up first, don't keep long hair like that. It's just... it just doesn't look like a salesperson, it looks like an emo kid. Taking "Freedom" a bit too far.

I rarely ever need to do background checks. If you're in biz for ten years and you don't even have a professional business shot, I don't even know what you want with good companies. Play the part, it's not hard.

Ugh I just. It's an emo, Diary. Never thought it would feel so repulsive on a grownup.

Monday, October 23, 2017




What kind of work that you do that requires 128G of RAM

How not to kill self on Day 1 0 0 0 0

I'm thinking to myself, when 1 0 0 0 0 t h  D a y  approaches, how not to kill myself. I will be compelled to do it.  1 0 0 0 0 d a y s  on this planet, Holy God. I can't even fathom...

I'm trembling at the thought that I have been here for 9000+ days. It's impossible. Holy Hell. Holy Hell...

I always think that relationship with GOD is more important than relationship with anyone else. It can be overwhelming, but it must be.

And when I have a moment to myself, sometimes like this, in daytime, I just . . .   fear.


I think they make chips bland on purpose as a punishment here, to remind you that proper food is a much better choice. There are no novelty flavors, it just tastes like potato with salt. It's so sad. I never tried "pig skin" before, you know the crispy thing? Cause it sounds disgusting. But the other day I was like, well, since they're so good with Iberian pigs, doing so much stuff with it, maybe their pig skin is worth a try.

It tastes like pig.

Honestly though, just pig. Damn thing isn't even salted. It's... it's just pig. The texture is just plastic. Plastic film with harsh crispy vents that tastes like pig. WTF.

"aw you idiot" I said to myself. No more. I'm sure that thing was manufactured as a joke.

Just don't buy any of the snacks you used to have, Diary.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Land of Farmers

Land of...

I  have to find that folder


 F a m i l i a r i t i e s          i  n        W  i  n  t  e  r   

Saturday, October 21, 2017


ears r burnin


i get rap today now


UR A   F O O L       

I fucking hate deadlines...


It felt as if I had seen the super long table in other dreams.  It was an old room.

The house was flooding because someone forgot to turn off the tap.

That super long table was wooden, and it was so old... ancient. Dark red maroon.  Cracks are so black and deep.

Who is the other girl in the room ?   I know her .  



I look like a retard in the 2009 photo, too.  That's how I know I haven't peaked. There's about 100000000000000000000000000000000000 signs I haven't peaked. Thank GOD. Honestly though every day I look back and the previous day me look like a retard to my new self.

I don't know why I have such dread going up north. North of France that is. But whatever, for now I need to sleep.

In bed. I may even have a comfortable latitude range. For all the places I've lived in my life  :  they're all in the 34-45 N range, 34-42 excluding Portland. It blows my mind both BCN & Massachusetts are 42 N.

Spain is so in my comfort zone. It felt familiar even though I had never been here before.

It's interesting to look at the world in sections I guess. Everything is not solely affected by something. Equatorial currents and land formation also play a role maybe as big as the sun in local climates.

Diary I have a lot of other problems, you know that, right?

I don't know what God wants to see. I don't know what humanity can ultimately offer to it. Collective happiness?   Is that it?  Is it the Greatest thing that worths that price?

It puts down all the Good works I know. Because the opposite of this simplicity isn't . . .  

It's simply unknown.   It's unknown, Diary.   It drives me crazy.

Can't pronounce Wroclaw

I am tempted to just say wro-claw and see Poles' reactions. No...

It occurs to me the date is looming... I still have no plans and basically don't know anything about modern-day Poland. Well...

I figure I will have to say Wroclaw at least once when I buy the ticket to go there from Warsaw.

The website says it's Vro-tz-wav ?  Trust me, you don't want to hear me speak Slavic language . . .

Wait, then Warsaw isn't war-saw... is it... is it... fuck it sounds so similar to Wroclaw. I'm going to look like a retard.

Good Lord I have never suffered humiliation from language barrier, this is going to be a first. Two fucking words man, get it together.


:  (   

Could you not

the simplest things

be humble mang

You're in the eyes of GOD

Get it together ffs

Friday, October 20, 2017

Do you wanna attend a gay masquerade ball ?

me neither, let's stay in  n  do other stuff .



When you want theocracy but your faith is not shared

No Title

What's the difference between boxing with gloves and punching bags and just going through the moves? The gloves are here to protect your fists, and the punching bags are here to stop you. They push back. They make you hit something, rather than just... air.

But no matter how thick the glove is, hitting actual stuff will damage your hand, isn't it? I know it seems nonsensical- you're boxing, yet you're afraid to "be hurt"?

Well, I'm preventing unnecessary damage. Look at it like that.

Anyway. Without obstruction I can actually move more freely.

I thought about it, Diary. Why do people sign up for yoga class, Pilate class - it's a social thing. Wouldn't it be more fun to invent your own moves? Find positions that you find most comfortable to you. In a class you're going through somebody else's routine... you're a machine.

If you always think like that, you won't go to any social event.

Anyways. I've decided to invent my own moves. It turned out to be a kind of hybrid dance & fight thing. I found that I almost throw myself with my punch. That's what happens when nothing is stopping you.

I won't feel safe until I'm physically stronger than most people I encounter.

I am very wary, Diary. When I'm alone. I don't seek out such information but every time I come across a report that a woman is assaulted, I become warier. Holy shit I never said "warier" before. Say "Warier". It's a weird word.

I know most women can't be stronger than most men, but I'm not leaving anything to chances, and I certainly am not counting on people's "good nature".

I want to go for midnight walks like I told you months ago, and it could be perfectly safe to do so, but I have no certainty. I watched a really fucked up show recently, it's based on a real case story... one of the worst, most inhumane serial murders in human history.

I don't wear makeup, but I never doubt that a 10 is as desirable as a 0 in a horny man's mind. Men are truly horrifying when they're horny. Sometimes I have the impression that at least 20% of all women have been harassed or hurt in their life, just cause they look vulnerable. I won't ever let myself experience that. Never. At all cost.

As with everything, the best tactics is to prepare yourself. Not rely on weapons and stuff, but to make yourself stronger. Anything can be used as weapon. If I'm near a tree, I'll snap a twig. I'll pick something from the floor or the trash can even. Hey, pretty sure you can suffocate someone if you wrap the trash bag around their neck. All else is auxiliary, I have to be strong first.

I'm not complaining or anything. I'm still an animal. An animal has physical needs to be strong.

I'm truly lucky that every one I have met in my life has been non-violent, except my dad. I think he scarred me. I wonder how I would've turned out if he didn't beat me and kicked me like a football. He used to shut me in a room and lock the door and then shut the blinds on the window before slapping and hitting me. Dragging me across the room and kicking me until I knelt. He was kind of like a soldier, you know? It was like a routine. It happened so many times. I will always remember. As soon as the blinds are shut, I'm fucked.

Not literally. Holy God. Thank God not literally.

But I was still beaten up pretty badly though. I don't think I'll see him again for the rest of my life, Diary.

I think I've gotten over it pretty much, and being thousands of miles away helps. We despise each other anyways. But I honestly don't know which of us will die first. It can be me. It's probably me.

The trust issue only developed in recent years, it has nothing to do with family. Therefore it is legitimate. It's my own. It's curious that so many people develop trust issues. Yet we are all here, trying to make positive changes in the world.

I wonder why he didn't kill me after I bought that Tibetan knife.

I am cautious, but pretty stupid, too. My hatred toward him prolly peaked when I was 12 or so. Now that I think about it, it was possibly around the time he broke my leg. I got a Tibetan dagger with golden sheath in a flea market, and every time I was beaten I would cry by the window, my cheeks burning (from slapping, cause there was always slapping) and carve on the blade with a ballpoint pen that ran out of ink :

Sword of Vengeance

I mean, they must've seen it. It's a dagger, in a sheath. I just placed it behind the curtains on the windowsill. By the 20th time the words must be totally visible. They must've seen it tons of times. I seriously considered using that dagger. To kill him or kill myself. Every time he hit me for over an hour because of trivial...

Some retards would come by our house when I was little, as young as 6, I think. Or 4. Every time they would ask my name and my age, and I'd get tired of their shit by the third time around. That's when I'd say to them: "If you are not interested then don't even ask, I told you 3 times already. If you can't even remember a number then don't bother."

- It's how I feel when I see people teasing a kid the same way over and over again even today

That is pretty rude for a kid, but I never apologize for it. That's the kind of thing he beat me for. I bet if you take it to some parents they would totally approve. - Of him hitting me, of course.

I am that rude, Diary. 20 years have passed, for all the shit I endured as a child, I have made sure nothing has changed.

And I may have developed a unconventional... I'll put it this way. If a 6 year old asks me to buy them cigarette and alcohol, I'll do it. If I believe it's their will. I won't suddenly take charge of their "well-being". I respect a 6 year old as much as I respect anybody. I respect autonomy, will and independence too much. It's probably because when I was 6, I had wished an adult would've treated me like a human being & listened to me. I guess it's some sort of... over-compensation?

In addition, every time I look at a kid or monkey for more than 10 seconds I feel like crying. I never do, it's just something deep within me hopes they're not beaten at home. Monkey is just an anthrop close relative thing. Spain may help me with that, since the kids here look pretty happy. They're actually pretty wild, bouncing balls and themselves off the walls and stuff. Yeah they're really pretty wild, nobody can tame them.

Sorry to unload on you. Everybody has a past. Mine isn't so bad. Like I told you, I am extremely entitled. I feel like I'm entitled to a childhood without beating, that's why I'm still a little bitter when I recall. But it's nothing anymore. I've really moved on. This is the third time I talked to you about this, and I intend to make it the last time.

Now, I would benefit a lot from being able to take midnight walks, do whatever I want without the concern of being assaulted. So the idea is to become physically strong. I don't want to give it any pause when I'm think about doing stuff like this. I want to make sure I can take down whoever comes at me quickly enough.

In other words, the need to carry pepper spray at all means one is not ready. No. I will take midnight walks to whatever neighborhood I feel like going with just keys in my pocket. Not only in this country - wherever I go.

I don't want to worry about "what if" ever again.

Therefore I don't need yoga classes, Diary. I had plenty of those in the past, and I couldn't persist. I don't need to sign up for boxing sessions, either.

What I need to do is find ways I find fit to train, and figure out for myself how to protect myself. So I'll do that. It's no a waste of time. Before woman, I am first and foremost an animal. An animal needs to protect itself.

I'll probably never know what it's like to rely on someone else in my life. That's OK. That gives me certainty and peace of mind.

It did manifest in other ways, Diary, if you think about the old things.

I don't know.

Maybe I have too much on my hands and on my mind. I just can't take more aggravation. I can't take worries on my safety, like what the fuck- who the fuck has time for that. Everything else can't bring me a shred of annoyance. It just can't.

Why did I tell you so much.

What is life. What is a past. Cut my palm in the kitchen today. Small slit. Don't hurt that much. Shouldn't have got Italian peppers, wrong pepper. Not sure what the right pepper is called around here. They might not even have it.

Do you find solace in being ordinary? A slice of ordinary? A face of ordinary on a diamond with a thousand faces? Or . . .

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

The End ; The Last

It feels like the Last but we all know it isn't. Will it ever be. It won't.


Chaotic mess

Can you believe Eduard von Grützner existed as recently as 1925. It drives me crazy.

Chaotic mess... chaotic mess...

God lets me feel despair.

I . . .   


severity . 


My actions show that I am not loyal while my philosophy justifies that there is no such thing as loyalty, and every example of morality is situational &  temporary.

I love rain, Diary. I do. I can't change the weather in places where it doesn't rain, but I can change myself. I can force myself to not like rain. If I can't, it means rain is an essential part of me. I doubt it.

This is today's epiphany: you are what nothing can change about you.

I thought about it hard and I thought about it honestly.

I have no loyalty. Certainly loyalty is not a big part of me.

What I'm sure is, I mean, something I observed that never changed with time and different situations is that -

My entitlement.

And my relentless search for truth, my draw to the ultimate objectivity.

These things never changed.

Monday, October 16, 2017


Sorry for losing my temper a little bit, yet again. Pantry is stocked 1/2 now. Won't die because there is no grain carbs.

I don't know what they're saying about gluten free and stuff. 1% of the population has intolerance for it and suddenly half of the market is all gluten-free? Come on. Gluten is pretty neat. All real food is pretty neat. I forget to eat too easily. If I can remember for once in a day before going to bed to shove one slice of toast in my mouth I won't die.

Member that fruit in the fridge I been wanting to eat for some days... "Just Do It" says Nike. I just forget. I don't know why I forget things like this, some people- happy people, I don't mean it in a demeaning way - they eat all the time. Literally there are people who every time I see them they're eating something. How? I have a can of Les Garrigues nuts right here, in front of the monitor and I only see it past 9-10. Salty pistachio. It's in the gourmet club, but to be honest it's a bit limp.

Anyways I'm just saying. Hopefully I won't forget to eat again = I won't die bc of it. It's pretty silly to faint for such a thing I'll admit. Also it impacts my work, I know.

I think I'd be fucking depressed if I have to make my own lunch and take it to work every day. I mean. Just seeing the food I make makes me sad sometimes. They're sad-looking. But then again I remember I always eat them in dim light. Think about it. 10pm, dim light, all food looks dark. You don't have an appetite.

"This is Spain H'why don't you have a sunny terrace?"

I'm in the center of the city, son. Not some town.

I try to learn more and more every day and I see more and more clearly the time I wasted before and the mistakes I've made. It's sharp and hard, man.  I mean...

Substitute. Time for time.

I'll tell you about it next time.

I don't

I don't think it's logical how little things affect me. This is really pushing me over the edge. I don't fear Death, not really, and I don't fear this, but this sure bothers a lot more for me.

What is Time to these fucking people.

Work ethics

I can't. I suddenly miss prompt things. God they're so bad with timing... and accuracy. Did they really give it to someone else. Oh God. I just can't. This isn't working out.

Bruno Latour

Did  Eroski lose my order. Did they send it to somebody else. Fuck. I'm starving here with 5 boxes of Ferrero because Ferrero isn't real food.

That Bruno Latour piece made me feel like I had fallen for a scam. Maybe I did fall for a scam.

How do you feel about ontologists, Diary? The name intimidates most people. There is peer-reviewed science, then there is science that studies science, and you would expect there follows science that studies science that studies science.

So there is a big fire in Galicia and Portugal. It's hundreds of small fires rolled into one.I feel like God is losing patience with us, and with me specifically. I understand perfectly why God is losing patience with other people and why it's losing patience with me. Very different reasons- there are overlapped reasons but mostly very different. But I understand it. And I applaud it. I don't applaud people dying, losing your life and your home to fire is hell. But I applaud God showing its Judgment.

I almost received a Death Sentence yesterday.

Some animals look happy. Who knows.

if ur hand is too small

too bad

.  . 


Operation Don't Die isn't going so well, since I almost blacked out today. I don't get it, I ate two large roasted chicken thighs yesterday & a salad  & I got plenty of sleep.

Nevertheless, near death experience #3.

Have you noticed Google has gotten worse? The search no longer return best, most relevant results.  What the fuck, I have been relying on it my whole life and now it's like I'm stunted.

Life without a proper search engine...  I will die, another cause of death.

Diary...  I . . .

Sunday, October 15, 2017


as much as I enjoyed  LUSH red soap, I have to say that there is a fundamental issue with all the soaps- it gets annoying when there is little. Like that last flimsy disc? Throw away the disc and you throw away 10% of the product. Else it just crumbles in your hand.

Anyway, I still have plenty of poor people habit, I came to realize. I don't think I can stick to a brand anyway. So far I've used 3 or 4 soaps already and the novelty has worn out. I started using the blue Ritual bottle today and it's refreshing. But since I already got the Calendar I don't think I'll need anything from that again. There are plenty of new products to try, I know. Now is the golden age of trying products, I seen the 99999999999999999999999999 beauty YouTubers, I know how bad it is. To me though there are about 10 cause I can't tell them apart. Of my 1000+ blocked YT channels prolly at least 600 are pointless beauty bloggers, what the fuck with the whiteness and little lightbulbs in the background.

When someone uses "haul" to describe clothing shopping you know it's a sad day.

Anyway, about the free spirit / fighting sentiment, I know mostly everything is in the gray zone nowadays.

My fault

Diary, every time I lie here I think about my mistakes. Some as recent as yesterday.

I feel that  I'm drifting farther than ever.

Is life's sole purpose "to live"?  I don't think so.  I never thought so.

Maybe I'm too eager to learn about the world. What I see is . . .  


North has some fucked up looking fish. I've never had monkfish before. Who was the first to eat monkfish? The fact we eat fish at all is pretty amazing. When you think about it all the fish look pretty fucked up and not edible. Except the colorful tropical fish, still not edible...

One day I will cook good fish

Turned on 24/7

When I think how most people, prolly myself included will lose this later in life I'm OK with it.

That movie got me turned on 24/7 man.  Not fair.

Give Porto a Try

Castelbel issue:

mad crystallization . 

Culti wins.

Saturday, October 14, 2017


Holy FUCKING GOD DIARY. I've had a humbling yet exciting experience today.

You know, I always say I am to interpret music as most people to interpret... nevermind just know that I HAVE FINALLY FOUND MUSIC THAT I LOVE! AND I BECAME SURE OF THE GENRE I LIKE!!!!!!!!

Forget Beethoven, even though the artists themselves might adore him. Those 1TB of FLACs and APEs, yeah... I'll never get through them anyway.

When you listen to something that's not you, that doesn't please your nature, it's just hard. I have tried so so so so SO hard in the past... ever since I heard of Beethoven, alright, to interpret the GREATNESS in classical music. I just can't. I am ashamed to admit- I'm less ashamed now but, I just have to admit that I don't get it.

It's very humbling, but I've accepted it.

OK the artists I discovered = Derek & Brandon Fiechter, the brothers are fucking geniuses.  I don't know HOW the fuck they mastered the feel of music from so many regions it's fucking unbelievable. They should literally have millions of listeners but they don't.... yet. IMO world music? Is that world music? - is better than anything.

And it just occurred to me that! Some of the game tracks I like- could be because they resemble world music!! Right? Right? esp ones like ambiance. It's so cool. When I listen to it it's completely different from listening to Classical. Holy God I won't torture myself with that anymore. When I listen to Classical my mind is "clogged" I can't do anything well. When I listen to the wonderful worldly music it's just, it's just "flow". It just flows through me, you know?

Maybe I hate rap, but I won't ever badmouth about rap again. Homeboys must feel like I do when I listen to world music. Go on.

Oh wow, they're so good. I still can't figure out how the fuck are they so good at it. It's talent. LOL I SHOULD KNOW.

Friday, October 13, 2017

No Shame

There are characters I know I'll always like...

Serizawa for example.

Now I think back on Abruzzi, I want to wack myself

"What the FUCK is wrong with you!"

kind of like that.

But I remembered how much I love Serizawa again. Love for lust hey.

OMG I know no shame. I lived so many fantasies about him.


hmmmmmm  Serizawa~~~~san~~

I... I can't get into work at all..

FUCK what am I saying I WILL BE KILLED.



Why! HWHY!! H'WHY IS LIFE NOT A MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!




NO IMA DO THIS!!!! IMA DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!

That said, taking a realistic look, the chance of finding a boy like Serizawa in this time and age and place is practically 0. It's sad. I only want him and nobody else.

I'm totally hormonal. It'll pass, surely. But I can't contain myself. If I don't tell someone I'll get crazy. That's why you're here, my friend. That's why you're my friend, my friend.

I did a horrible thing and looked up the actor's recent films. I shouldn't have. I never got character mixed up with actor but because this guy starred two roles I fantasize about I... I went stupid.

Characters are eternal, Diary. They don't change. Actors do. People do.

I'm a very sad human, Diary, but I'm an OK character. That's my only solace in life. Every time I do something, it's associated with the character. All good is with that. I, me, I'm just a sexually frustrated person who can't fuck the only one she wants to fuck.

The fantasy is going to get violent, I suppose. I have so much pent-up energy. I must convert it to work. Oh FUCK.

Why! Why! Oh GOD I want to fuck him. Give me one person that looks and behaves exactly like that character and let me fuck for a day pls.

Oh God what have I done ...

Thursday, October 12, 2017




Hello fuckboiz

never-scenarios  :

Don;t dwell on it .


New thoughts

Daylight, low light.   Raining. Snowing.  Indoors vs  plants.

Peace & Quiet

Look.   Just look at history.

I gravitate towards challenges  . .  .   But also peace.

What, where?


Will I be able to explain ?

Diary...   I ...  

Wednesday, October 11, 2017


Liking competition . . .   is probably also a disease. Or rather, bad reaction to bad circumstances. 


It is a picture of oat 

Croats eat oat

Sorry  .   

Veggie is gud

H'why is it that a meal is concluded so soon when veggie is involved? Nobody knows.

Veggies! Say it with me .     

On flip side

a look into an ordinary murican boy's dreamz lol

- having a powerful figure as "Godfather"
- work for FBI


it's just

I seen it a lot mang.  I have a pretty good idea of what other people's wet dreams are, generally.

It's irresponsible yes, but I dare to generalize.

"I need motivation in my lifffffffe"

"I wanna feel like I'm working for stuff!!! experience hardship!!!  *but not real hardshipz""

I don't have sympathy for any of these people. So while I said I admire that culture, keep in mind I have no sympathy for any of them.

Whack-jobs. They are looking for character-building events but there aren't any to be had LOL.

Oh just remembering picking up, nay, stealing other people's trash in your bodyweight, selling them to the recycling man to get let me think, yeah 20 cents to buy a scrunchie.

Good times in retrospect.


Came across the Nick Dudick piece on t_d today. So glad I'm still subbed despite all the nonsense. This is what I admire about American culture- these incredibly subversive grassroot people taking courage to defend truth and freedom. You may find them in unlikely places. You may find unlikely adversaries.

Now I've always trusted The New York Times growing up, I always saw it as a reliable news source. Can't say I used my brain critically when I read their pieces, I normally just take them for what they are.

Journalism is really changing nowadays, but it's not changing into new journalism. What I mean - looking at Julian Assange during the miserable Catalan independence movement these days, despite what he says about Wikileaks is about changing journalism- he is not a journalist, he does not have a journalist's attitude or code of conduct. He is, in fact, a politician. This is too obvious because of the matter he focuses on and the manner in which he reacts to it. Stoking fire on such an issue. The Catalan Independence- it's too easy. No one without a political agenda would be so invested in this.

The other alternative news outlets- Breitbart, obviously not objective. Some are entertainment. I mean, the new faces of journalism simply don't represent journalism.

I think it'll be really up to individuals, no matter what camp they choose, to find their own truth. It makes sense. There is going to be a lot of cross-references, your stance might be changing all the time and it's going to be harder to trust a party that wants to control you... which will turn out to be a good thing.

Anyways, the depletion of trust signals progress sometimes so.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017


I begin to think it'll take an extraordinary event for me to appreciate Classical music. My brain simply cannot process the Greatness of it.

While it saddens me tremendously, I better go and listen to the sorts I'm comfortable with.

When you have had a ton of soup



I have so many random thoughts, they're like lil fairies  keeping me company

Life is so boring a veces, but also so interesting a veces.

I don't know.

I want to discard some of the fantasy scenarios, as they're of no use

I don't know .  .  .    


Snow field  >  Rice field  >  Hawaii

Urban =  NO


Props to ones who can stick it for so long  . 

Monday, October 9, 2017

Very Public Office

Go for " toffee "  . 

I don't mind if we journey the same .

It could be a kind of relief   .       


Interesting thing, Diary.

When I was a kid, I saw no point in biography.  I don't know who was interested in biography as a kid, they must be special.

Anyway, I wasn't interested. I hadn't acquired a frame, a grand context yet. So why? I didn't know the World.

But now biography seems like the most interesting thing. I just want to tell you that now is when.


If you go back and wonder when have I lost interest in fiction- most fictions.


If you wonder why all fantasy novels suddenly lost their appeal. It's because they no longer expand my frame.

The frame only expands inwardly now.... no no, sorry. I mean, inwardly, also outwardly, in a very factual way. In a generic, yet specific, way. In a real way, a true way. It manages to tell the truth with 1/10000 words a fantasy novel does.

I couldn't see it before. I certainly couldn't see it as a kid.

I'm not saying any kid who could see it was better than me.

I think it comes down to . . .  trust.

I didn't "trust" the real world as a kid.

I trust the real world now. I trust it deeply. I rely on it. I mean, you know how I feel about it, but yes, I rely on it.

Now is when, Diary. Now is when.

It has always been the Beginning of the End  .

Software is hard


Sunday, October 8, 2017

No Gathering !

It's driving me CRAZY

ever felt like hitting something ?

I know I'm talkative today.

Sad Story

Every once in a while I look up info on Heroes, and every time I get saddened by what I see.

Tell me JVC isn't making Creature Quest to get fund to buy back Heroes IP! That would be the saddest story in all of videogames history, Holy Lord. Good God. I mean...

I don't play mobile games and I've always wondered H'WHY, why would he go and make mobile games. Maybe he sees that it's supposed to be lucrative. Maybe, I mean, he should definitely be regretting selling the IP. But this isn't going to work, is it?

The future of the franchise is so grim. Like. Going to Poland is like going to its funeral now, FUCK.

Now that I think about it, I think I have long made peace with the fact that the franchise is dead. I still love a fantasy game, and I want to play a good strategy game. Don't have either now. I just don't see them. But I can live without Heroes. Better stay as a nice memory, right?

Cause in what way can this play out nicely? It'll take a miracle for JVC or anyone to revive it. So hard.

Oh God.  Sadness. It ain't a generational issue, games today just aren't fun anymore. I been keeping a close watch, you know, & there aren't even any worth talking to you about.

I thought I'd dig Warhammer, but no. Like.


I don't know, Diary. I want to play a good game.

"Homo Deus"

I can't agree with the synopsis of "Homo Deus" buh ima give it a read. I feel so strongly about it.

Humanity < GOD

Do you like trucks ?

Do you fantasize about trucks ?  ?   

I believe the answer is obvious.


I feel sick watching the grungy filthy "cyberpunk" stuff. Seriously. Not the future, not what apocalypse looks like. Just pure filth. EWWWW.

Why is fucking old buildings in HK cyberpunk

One of those things I can't stand. Fuck off.

They're shitty high rise nobody wants to live in. Fuck this. This isn't the future. Just FUCK.

Netherlands Online Safari

I really don't like explaining things to people, one direction.  Sometimes I'm compelled to.

It's probably time to... no, I don't have an "influencer".

What do I . . .

I'll leave you to your sense-making.

I . . . I . . . I


Do Dogs Know That They're Cute

I wonder

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Why is Hillary Clinton so annoying

I listened... tried to listen to her talk for the first time today... God it's so annoying. There is nothing there. It's like she's reciting a script. People like her can't get others FIRED UP. She shouldn't be a politician.

God it has the opposite effect. She kills the interest anyone's had in any subject matter she's talking about.



Hollywood has run out of Creative Juice TM.

It's so lame.

I was there the whole time wondering "whose lame ass fantasy is this".

When everything else can't keep up with the development of FX.

But with a lack of creative direction even that's wasted.

lame lame LAME-O-lame

My neck hurts. Did not know it's going to be 2hr30mins.

Now I'm interested in the original film even less. I have to watch it, so the story is complete. But it's so lame I have to hold it off for a h'while.

Friday, October 6, 2017


What were you doing yesterday morning?

I was cleaning blood from the mattress. I bled through the maxi-pad, my panties, my PJ, two layers of sheet, into the mattress, and got some onto my duvet cover, too.

I frantically searched online "how to clean blood from mattress", and I got table salt and cold water and a roll of thick tissues, and I got to work. I was upstairs cleaning blood out of the mattress yesterday morning, for about an hour. And it worked.

I never bled that much, and I could usually feel the direction of the blood flow.

But. It's all good now.


So what if I'm in a mold, a certain part of me - always in an imaginary high school ? 

I can never take high school out of me.

I wish I was a boy, so I could be in a lot of fights...No one ever fought like in the movies anyway, but I still . . .

What is with this? You know?

Oh the Himalayas perfume is pretty good. It has a familiar smell, not home, but one that I smelled in many other places. It represents good people. Like I can smell that from good people.

We're well into October now, Damn Me . 

Tourists are thinning. Should we start going to the libraries again? 

Anyhow, I will need to go to the dock soon.

Oh shit, I can watch Blade Runner today. I haven't even watched the 1982 one yet but I hear it brought up often recently. Might as well watch this one first, right?

Wednesday, October 4, 2017


I should talk to you after, not prior.


I installed an extension that hides YT comments today. App developers are way ahead on this one, it was there as early as 2013. It's a fairly popular app.

What is the gift and cost of objectivity?

It's Holy.

How can I be so careful and opportunistic at the same time?  Yet still failing to find out what is best . . .

True Core

a meaningful communication

I feel like

" emotionally stunted child "

I don't actually know if it's helpful  . 

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Which is which

What do you think, Diary?

Selfish or Selfless

I'm either very Selfish or Very Selfless, Diary.  Why not both?   Indeed I am both.  How do I feel about that?   How do I feel about everyone - mostly everyone being selfish and selfless at the same time?

What's the point in choosing, striving, struggling if duality exists in everything?

Then immediately I remember where one overwhelms the other.

We are one.   The duality exists on separate entities, but all those entities are one.

I love hearing car and Spanish past midnight

I say this seriously. Why else move to the city? So we could feel less alone. It's quiet at night, but when certain creepiness creeps up, it's nice to hear two Spaniards walking down the street and talking as if it was day time. It's nice. I like how they're constantly discussing stuff.

It's precious to maintain that level of passion for life that you actually want to talk about stuff constantly.

Internet- it gives me a lot of answers. I am so preoccupied with finding answers that I find communicating with people less efficient. Yet even stating that I can't combat that logic. I can't convince myself to spend time with people. Yeah, I have that passion about life, too, but my goal is to find answers and not "letting it out".

Yet I do need to "let it out". It's really tough. I don't have time anymore.

Monday, October 2, 2017

"private interest"

I don't know why I'm so tense, it's the same tourists on the street "like nothing happened"

fuck, it's stuck

I swear to God I'm going to wear briefs from now. Only briefs.



I was wondering if research interest should be kept private. Yeah. Of course. It's like a no-brainer, right?

Oh I heard so and so came back from Japan, and is now working at a cosmetic company. Shiseido. H'what a good way to use chemistry knowledge. Oh Wow.

Trying Gallo yakisoba. Noodle itself isn't bad at all, the sauce is lacking.

On the other hand it don't look like... I mean, you know? Yeah I don't think... 

so, just casually I guess?

fake scenarios

In writing it out, I hope I'll never go back to these scenarios where

1. I'm handed a ministry to run

yeah, mostly that.

Long dream

I had a long dream last night, a really long dream.

Will tonight be without nightmare ?

I want to whip myself.

Getting sidetracked means I feel nervous that I'm not ready, which is forbidden.

It's been ... a while since I read a novel.

But I feel like... maybe I'll finish the open ones.

No more

stop participating

/np/ everything, you -  me .


Sunday, October 1, 2017


Last night I asked myself a question: would I be prepared in a real riot?