Saturday, September 9, 2017


Can you believe it's time already?

I thought about what I said yesterday. Very rarely I wake up not disagreeing with what I said the night before. However, I think, this is one of them rare occasions.

But someone did bring up a good point, and it made me wonder. What if the reason I keep my religion private is because I don't think people will approve? "Why worship any God when there is so much suffering on this planet" is the general argument. There is a lot of emotion in there, in fact I begin to think justice, outside of judicial literature, is an emotional construct. But true. I wouldn't know how to explain the God I believe in to anyone. I only know what it's like with me, I don't even know if it interferes with other people's lives. I always assumed there potentially might be more GODS.

Narrative-wise, it's no match for the Bible or anything. Nobody is going to build churches around it. Nobody but me will believe it. I don't have a holistic understanding of it.

But while I have read the bible, in fact, spent a great amount of time to search for existing beliefs that I might believe in, this is still the only one.

I can't justify it to anyone else. This part is confusing.

Yet there is no denial for me that the God I believe exists.

The other things I'm not so sure. There are so many contradictions. I begin to see that it seems people think "two is better". Of course, you have to have both. At the end of the tunnel, there is light. Right after you criticized something, you realize that you yourself do it. Bigger things. Life trajectorial jokes.

I don't know. It's getting clearer and more confusing at the same time.

I think maybe one way to contain this is to not define "consistency" as "monotone", and accept that people do conflicting things- mainly, things that reflect conflicting values. I think this is the problem. Value sounds timeless, but the way we adopt it is circumstantial.

I also believe, after long observation, that maybe the best way to make friends is circumstantial, too. Planning is involved, too, perhaps, but, mainly up to chance.

You just simply have to change the definition of these things. It's the words - the semantics, that's confusing me.

So many things have no real reason at all, Diary. It's all a matter of preference. I...

I have to fix it.

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