Saturday, September 9, 2017

General Krantz Breaking Character

The hardest thing to watch about Season 3-4 is the breaking of the story and the breaking of character of General Krantz. Do you think there is a better way to write his demise without making him... mundane?

This mysterious man... mysterious, powerful figure, couldn't he have gone down more... fittingly? I mean... just don't make him panic and yell so much? I mean, going from not speaking a word out of discretion to shouting on the phone like a little kid, it's a bit too much.

The story broke down, too. A good Christian story, but it's not a very good conspiracy theory, if you ask me. Too much still relied on previous planning where it's supposed to be about improvisation. I think I liked the whole Scylla thing when I first watched it, but now I just can't get over why his mom has to be like that?

I mean, in all TV shows, pretty much, and movies, now that I think of it - they aren't really interested in telling stories about random people who got into serious situations. How come the parents and siblings are always conveniently involved? I mean, is it necessary? Why is Mycroft Holmes in such a convenient powerful position?

I mean, sure, Michael is Lincoln's brother, that's the whole premise. But does Sarah have to be the Governor's daughter? Because the Governor's death seems to be the only reason she was in on this thing. Does their own dad have to be that guy? I mean, I have seen it way too many times and this doesn't happen as often in real life. And finally I don't even need to ask, their mother does not need to be there. It is really ridiculous.

Can't think too much into it... can't... think too much into it...

Why would you analyze the plot. What's the point. I mean, I don't mean...

I mean, if even history... you know, if even historical events aren't backed up by "concrete reasons", are "logical nonsense", like all the revolutionary revolutions that don't actually have a good cause, or the great war generals that didn't have a plan. If actual human history is like this, why am I asking a fictitious plot to be flawless?

There is no need to criticize. God, people criticize too much these days.

I have to... I have to look at things in a better light.

It's very, very hard for me to look at anything positively, Diary. I'm not even sure if I can actually distinguish good news from bad news, it's that bad. But make no mistake, I never once took bad news for good ones.

I guess I didn't know how bad it was until one day I realized I had a habit of calling "best" "the least worst" in my head. Like if I want something, I would be thinking in my head "what's the least worst version of it".

It's not the way to get through life.

Ah but the shipment is late.

There is a lot I have to learn. But some things are really touch and go for me, Diary.

Today is Grandma's birthday.

And she made it to 80.

I'm sorry I wasn't there. Last times I was with her, she was always telling me how it was time for her to go. She wasn't ill or anything, it looks like she's just troubled by the fact of her age. I don't know if that contributed in any way to my own perception of age.

I mean... I love life but I hate age. Does that make sense?

Of course it does. Where are all these anti-aging products coming from.

If my only concern is the looks, I don't think it will be a problem.

But nanna, she . . .

I want to understand her.

Do we really get to determine our own fate and time?

I mean . . .  I accepted God when I was 7, but I don't have any wishes for myself as a humanbeing. I want all my family to be well, and peace to humanity, but I don't want anything for myself. My life is complete, in a way. I was happy to see a tree. I was happy to walk down the road. The thrill may be different, but as far as "happiness" goes, if I even properly understand such a thing, riding roller coaster isn't that different from seeing flowers, lying down, or just breathing.

I honestly don't want anything for myself as a person, Diary.

I owe everything to God, then my parents. Or maybe parents first. But I always knew that without God's gifts, I'm nothing. I'm just another human being in . . . it says 7.5 billion now.

I don't feel special in any way, in my innermost self.

I feel like my whole life is to guard this God given gift. There is such a constant disparity in me, how I feel... as a human versus God's Faithful.

I think, when it comes to humanly decisions, I have to defer to my human self. Which is why I have been trying so hard to understand and appreciate humanity. I am a human, Diary. I am one of everybody.

They say you have to understand yourself first, and then know everybody else. I know myself pretty well, even before I heard from God.

But I can't say I know everybody else. How can you determine that you know everybody else? Because they act the way you predict them to, or want them to? Thoughts are private, and even expressed in action, it could be interpreted wrong. While it's not unhealthy trying to be right, I can't see this as a right/wrong kind of thing anymore.

My faith in God is unconditional and unwavering, but perhaps it takes a bit of blind faith to trust humanity?

It's such a conflict, Diary.  I'm not saying I'm ready to love humanity yet. Especially first thing first... I don't even believe in love.

Just faith, trust, I guess.

Nanna is such a saintly person, but does it mean she has no faith in humanity anymore? Why does she not want to be here? She knows we love her, right? I mean, even for me, not love, well wishes and hopes, and protection and prayers...

I try to see someone's will to go beyond "sadness"  . . .

I really want to understand her.

I don't actually know what can make her happier. She never asks for a thing. Nobody knows what she wants, and I'm afraid that we will "figure it out" when it's too late . . .

I should figure it out, but as of now, I really can't.  I don't know what she wants.

One time, nanna told me how unfortunate it is to be born as a woman . . .  and my eyes immediately welled up because I felt the exact same way. Only I know she has it worse.

I don't... I never want to bring up this topic, because I haven't let myself be oppressed enough to even acknowledge it. I can't... I will not acknowledge it.

But nanna is such an honest, kind woman, and she has never had a choice. She can't use an alias, she doesn't lie, and she does not have extraordinary reasons to fight it all. Fate put all these... almost all women together, in this pile. They see everything... they experience everything... and when they look back on their life, they might not consider it worthwhile.

Is that what it is, nanna?

If I were born 10 years... no, 20 years earlier, I would've been subjected to a similar fate. Or perhaps I'd figure something out. Had God not chosen me, I would definitely be . . .

I think I get it now. There is no way for me to make it better for her. I know she has the will to live, and that's all that matters. She is used to the sadness in her heart. I'm glad I got to hear it before I left.

It is the sort of thing that worsens the conflict in my head .

Diary I . . .

I try. I'm always trying. I give it my best shot. It's the only way.

But now I know, one side has to lose. I can't keep both sides alive at the same time. It's fundamentally impossible.

I must choose, sooner the better.  I've been trying to choose since I was 12 or so. Same-different arguments over the past 10 years.

Truth is, I suck at decision making. I know the part you call a heart is the part of the brain susceptible to emotional manipulation. Since it's always undecided up there, I always leave it to logical sense. I came here with that, and it turned out to be right. It always turned out to be right when I make decisions with my "head" and not my "heart". They don't work together, Diary. They're not all that cooperative.

I don't know. One thing I know is I can't choose now. at this very moment. Soon. I hope, I hope to God or humanity in me SOON. It needs to be soon.

Give me Guidance, God.

Happy Birthday, Grandmother

With Love


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