Saturday, September 2, 2017

europa 2



Last post wasn't really about Europa... and this one isn't either.



I've decided that I probably should not drink, and it is only coming from the fact that apparently I don't want to drink. There are awfully lots of things you can drink nowadays, besides water. You can drink milk, juice, coconut water, lemonade, coffee, cocoa, tea, all sorts of things. You can get your water from fruit, vegetable, soup, and so forth. Of course I don't drink alcohol for hydration, but I really don't know the point. When I'm sad, I'm just sad. I can only do one thing at a time.

I think that's my problem. I can't multi-task. I can't be sad, drink, and hold a cigarette in my hand at the same time.

It's really strange, isn't it? Of course you can drink simply as, you know, wine pairing. But I have discovered that I don't really like wine with my food. If I don't like my wine, it ruins my food - more than it's usually already ruined.

It's completely unnecessary. I decided that I can stand fortified wine, dessert wine, but then I asked myself, if I have to choose- between a dessert wine and a proper dessert, which one would I choose.

I would choose the dessert.

So I'm really struggling to come up with a reason to drink any more wine. The thing is, it's such a big part of the social game, it might as well be as big as your arm. It's that important. People are always drinking in social gatherings, and ruining their meal. My meal at least.

I can still stand champagne, and I wish I can only drink champagne, that means I have a lot of celebrations. But every time I see people with beer, with red wine, anything but champagne really, I have to wonder.

I know this is extremely subjective, and not that meaningful to think about, but this is it. I don't think my body understands wine, therefore my mind can't either. This is one of the few things your body excels more than your brain. Another thing will be sex. Even if your mind understand how amazing sex is, if you are physically cringing when you see bare arms, you can't have it.

And another thing would be all sorts of food intolerance. Your mind might be turned on by gourmet food pictures, but your body knows if you ingest any sort of dairy, onion or seafood, you'll be dead.

FYI I don't think I have any food allergy, THANK GOD. Not that my cooking has benefited from it.

But today, I did cook two good eggs. I have placed another order of some exotic items which includes the black garlic. I decided to make eggs right. With experiment.

It also occurs to me that I could pick up some cookbooks. There are some kinds of very widely read books that I have never ever bought: self-help books, the dummy series, inspirational quotes, fashion magazines and cookbooks. Never owned any of them, and I'm always uneasy about breaking the streak.

However it is clear that I have no intuition whatsoever in this area, so I might as well borrow others' wisdom.


I firmly believe that the universe is finite because curvature. This should be clear as soon as the interplanetary magnetic field was detected. I find some of the discussions and debates surrounding this topic highly disturbing. Like it's so clear. You cannot have any of this if the universe is not finite. But there is a third property that is neither finite or infinite, and it has been defined in the past hundred years and it's sitting right there.

It's very hard to believe that there are as many brilliant minds today as there were say, in 1910s, especially in modern science. It's not that it's become increasingly difficult to make breakthroughs, it's just it's becoming more difficult to test theories in reality. It's not undoable, and the qualitative difficulty that is different is not so insurmountable since this is today, and not then.

I'm still disheartened and traumatized by the advertisement of fi.. I don't even want to say it, fidget spinners, on AAAS.  Know this is the first and the last time I say it.  It is beyond sad. That you can't attract people for what you are, but you have to throw in the fi...

ah Fuck.


It's not a big deal. It ain't.



I actually sat there and tried to figure out what event I should go to this weekend, and as you can see I have made up my mind to not go anywhere.

I desperately need a friend, diary. I can admit that to you. I feel like some of my friends have died. Indeed our friendships died in childhood, and I have yet to find a friend who can meet my adult standard. I hate how transparent it is that most people I come across are dealing with major, personal, reasonable, necessary problems in their lives that do not interest me.

That's how I see friend-making is nowadays. I can't count on two people going out and having fun, not with their baggage. I just hope there is a problem that is worthwhile for me to solve. I don't want to shop with some girl at Mango or Zara for some shirt made with poly blend. I don't want to go to a small bar and drink beer and watch amateur performance. I don't want to attend a figuredrawing session with novice. And never able to voice my true opinon. I don't want to go to a music festival because it's... loud. And there are... louts.

I don't want to go to industry conventions or conference or seminars because those shit are sketchy as fuck. It's big advertisements, it's ad fairs, and for the scientific ones, they are no better organized or updated than journals I can read at home.

I don't know where the fuck I can go.

You know what some bullshit psychologist might suggest at this point? "Describe your friend", they would say.

Alright, let's try it.


She - preferably a she, should be my age, has a job or better, or no less than no financial trouble - can't be struggling with money at all, I can't, I can't stand by watching my friend dealing with all the severe, miserable problems with money - has a college education, has unique understanding of art, especially abstract art, that's the best way to find out if someone has a unique perspective, and that's why abstract art is great. Everybody sees the subject matter in Renaissance paintings for what it is, but a person tells you what's on their mind when facing a fuzzy shape. If what they say is interesting, they're an interesting person. If they say "it's just a shape", they have no imagination and should be left doing their job quietly.

Those, and she should have at least two hobbies, one of which I share and the other one I don't. Pretty self explanatory. Should be open to go into nature once in a while, but must not be a sports fanatic. We will not jog, or run, or cycle, or do pilates, but once every month, we should find a national park or of sorts and go hiking.

As for personality, she should be calm. That's the number one thing. If she's calm then everything else will generally be alright. I think kids call it "chill" today but I want to make it clear.

Notice I haven't said anything about looks. It's not just that I think it would be too much to ask, it's also a fact that I don't care. I never cared about the looks of my friend. I just hope they're smart, open, nice and have their own personality.

I met all of them in institutions. Now that I'm in the wild, so to speak, I feel kind of incompetent for not being able to find one on my own. I've always wanted an open world exploration, but now I see I don't have a system in place for it. How do you navigate the world for friendship?


I don't leave anything to chance, which is why I always try to come up with a a system I can replicate.


The thing is, it's hard to know people's personality before you actually meet them. You see something on paper, but you don't know how it is in person.



I think the problem is, I have too many rules. I don't have many rules for my friend, but I have a lot for myself. There are far too many things I will never let myself participate.

It's really, really, really impossible for me to rewrite principles.


And that's for a normal friend. I haven't even begun w/ good friend, best friend, even allies- those I have high standards for and I'm not in a hurry to tell you anytime soon. Those are the people you truly do stuff with.


I'm always glad to see people who have standard. It's just, more often than not they don't deserve it. If you are your only judge, you can't be unbiased. And you can't know yourself. Like the person I'm thinking of now, who has the personality of a wrinkled paper towel, thought he should have high standards. He will not find what he looks for his whole life.

I know what I know, but I really don't think of myself. I don't really have a subjective opion of myself, whether I'm good, bad, smart or retarded. I know what other people's assessment is, I know what God will have me do, and that's it. If I have to pick, often as a reaction, I often think less of me. It's safer. I wouldn't risk letting my ego get in the way.

Other people don't have such a fear of themselves, that's what I observed. All the trouble they perceive come from outside- the government, their workplace, some random asshole, etc, etc. Which can be true at the same time, but you can simply be dealing with only half of the problem if you can take the ego out of it.


It is what it is, diary.































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