Sunday, August 20, 2017


I figured I have to be there to think about life and death. Death is still there, you know.

I walked the walk today. I seen candles, white roses, red roses, notes and people. I was hoping to connect. I was hoping to feel something. I was hoping to grasp the effect of the deaths, their impact on the world, and so on.

I wouldn't be able to admit it to anyone, but I'll let you know- I couldn't.

People are signing their names on the tiles on the ground, they surrounded where the van stopped, where the Miro tile painting was. I smelled incense.

But everybody had to move on.

And for the rest of the city, indeed life carried on. I can't, I don't- the families and friends must be grieving quietly. For everybody else- there is a life to be had.

I stopped at the dock, then I went to the beach. I stared into the horizon, watching ships and planes coming and going. I saw the waves. And all the time I was trying, trying... I tried so hard, diary.

I don't feel connected to anyone anymore. How can I feel sad for something when I don't understand its impact on the world?

I could've seen the bodies. I didn't hear screeching, but I saw people running from my windows. Say I went out soon after, they wouldn't have cleared the bodies.  Do I have to see bodies to...

that's morbid. which is why I didn't go out.

There were some people taking pictures today. That feels a tad morbid, too.

But nothing is as morbid as the unstoppable rhythm of life, ever-flowing, ever-fading, ever-creating, ever-diminishing. What is "morbid" anymore?

I don't...

I opened Leffe. I wonder if people who drink beer have never been sick. Have they never tasted medicine? This is what medicine tastes like. I'm so sorry I have 4 more. I will never purchase beer again. Fortified wine and champaign. That's it. Life was OK before I had beer.


Diary, life is weird.

I just... you know?

I used to think it's "normal" to not get certain things when things aren't happening. But when things are happening, I'll be able to get it. I don't.

I just... don't.

Did they say... who said it?

It is said that smell is most linked to our memory.

Why? I had a lot of familiar smells at the beach. Not only the ocean, but also the meat on grills and whatnot. And sand. And certain perfumes.

I just... I just don't know.

Diary, I think about a lot of things every day. There are so many things I am certain about.  But I still have so many questions. I still think the only way to live is to find out. & the only meaning in life is to know.

I need to know.

I need to know . . .

I really want to know, diary. I really want to know.

I really really really really really want to know.

Yet I don't know.

Do I sound crazy, diary?

I know I'm not.

I can't sound crazy to others- I won't sound crazy to others. But do I sound crazy right now?


Oh dear God diary. I don't... I never had time to tell you all that is on my mind.

Oh diary..................

Dear God Diary... I.......

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