Sunday, August 20, 2017
I figured I have to be there to think about life and death. Death is still there, you know.
I walked the walk today. I seen candles, white roses, red roses, notes and people. I was hoping to connect. I was hoping to feel something. I was hoping to grasp the effect of the deaths, their impact on the world, and so on.
I wouldn't be able to admit it to anyone, but I'll let you know- I couldn't.
People are signing their names on the tiles on the ground, they surrounded where the van stopped, where the Miro tile painting was. I smelled incense.
But everybody had to move on.
And for the rest of the city, indeed life carried on. I can't, I don't- the families and friends must be grieving quietly. For everybody else- there is a life to be had.
I stopped at the dock, then I went to the beach. I stared into the horizon, watching ships and planes coming and going. I saw the waves. And all the time I was trying, trying... I tried so hard, diary.
I don't feel connected to anyone anymore. How can I feel sad for something when I don't understand its impact on the world?
I could've seen the bodies. I didn't hear screeching, but I saw people running from my windows. Say I went out soon after, they wouldn't have cleared the bodies. Do I have to see bodies to...
that's morbid. which is why I didn't go out.
There were some people taking pictures today. That feels a tad morbid, too.
But nothing is as morbid as the unstoppable rhythm of life, ever-flowing, ever-fading, ever-creating, ever-diminishing. What is "morbid" anymore?
I opened Leffe. I wonder if people who drink beer have never been sick. Have they never tasted medicine? This is what medicine tastes like. I'm so sorry I have 4 more. I will never purchase beer again. Fortified wine and champaign. That's it. Life was OK before I had beer.
Diary, life is weird.
I just... you know?
I used to think it's "normal" to not get certain things when things aren't happening. But when things are happening, I'll be able to get it. I don't.
I just... don't.
Did they say... who said it?
It is said that smell is most linked to our memory.
Why? I had a lot of familiar smells at the beach. Not only the ocean, but also the meat on grills and whatnot. And sand. And certain perfumes.
I just... I just don't know.
Diary, I think about a lot of things every day. There are so many things I am certain about. But I still have so many questions. I still think the only way to live is to find out. & the only meaning in life is to know.
I need to know.
I need to know . . .
I really want to know, diary. I really want to know.
I really really really really really want to know.
Yet I don't know.
Do I sound crazy, diary?
I know I'm not.
I can't sound crazy to others- I won't sound crazy to others. But do I sound crazy right now?
Oh dear God diary. I don't... I never had time to tell you all that is on my mind.
Dear God Diary... I.......