Wednesday, August 30, 2017

S o l d i e r s o f E u r o p e

I have always been fascinated with elite squad. In fifth grade or something, I strapped plastic strings around my leg pretending they're tactical ropes.

What I don't get is how can someone who rarely venture outside of the house can become a member of the elite squad. I told you this, but it's worth mentioning again the anecdote from that time. Ever since Wol.... HOLY SHIT!!! I just figured it out. Holy God. Oh Lord. I just!! I just figured out my 12-yo friend's alias! How dumb am I!! After more than a decade!!! HOLY GOD!!!!

Her alias was Wolfna bc the novel she introduced me was titled Wolf Pack! I thought it was a novel name but it didn't occur to me it has to do with the novel! I can't make the simplest connection sometimes.

Oh Wow. I doubt myself, man.

OK. Oh wow. I thought it was something completely different. Oh Wow.


So ever since she introduced me to the novel, we'd been planning on to join the mercenary together. That's just a concept, "mercenary". We didn't pick which company to join, we just thought if we were good enough we'd be able to become "mercenary".

And you know, the funny thing is, we were dead last in our PE class. I end up finishing with everybody because I ran a whole lap less than everybody and by the end they'd caught up. You have to wonder how can people like this dream to join the mercenary.

I guess it was not about feasibility as a child. It was just dreams.  Today I learned I am still fascinated with them, and a little shred of myself still somehow thinks I can become a mercenary. I then looked down on my boobs and I knew there is no way this would work. Even a little displacement with the straps make me uncomfortable. You are supposed to roll around in mud naked no problem.

That's obscene... sorry.

Yeah. I know some men are jealous of the "easy life" women have. It would seem easy from their perspective. I can only see the things I must miss out. If you're born delicate, you can't simply "rough it out". Every time I rough it out, people call me out on my bullshit. "Are you crazy?" They say. "Go be a lady!" They say.

And they're right. Even if I could survive the element, there is no way in the history of humanity, past or future, that it'd be OK, from a tactical standpoint, for a woman to roll around in mud naked. It's just not going to work. Many skills can't be mastered. Say I'm into metallurgy, you know, I actually am, say I want to become a metal smith. You can never take all your clothes off when it gets too hot, even if you are alone. Imagine that. It can't work that way.

It's not just about nudity. Strength, menstrual cycle, I feel like all this has been common sense, but for some reason it's brought back to discussion. I don't know who's insisting "absolute equality", it's insane it took off in the first place. Why are we even talking about this?

I mean, I am talking about this. I am kind of bitter that I can't try a number of things, and me fantasizing about being able to do them has nothing to do with feminism or anything. I guess I was just trying to say if someone were to insist all this is possible they're crazy.

You know I received my WOLL pan today. I could barely lift it. This is someone who wants to become special ops man. I have to use both my hands and rest a bit after. I can still clean the dish no problem, I'm just telling you that thing is really fucking heavy.

I'm allowed to keep that dream, you know. I can still fantasize about this. Like can you imagine me on a field? Me in the bushes with the night vision lenses? And someone comes along and I just fucking shoot him? I'm not ashamed that I have a mini sniper day dream at least once a day. I mean, just a fleeting thought. A flashing imagery. Even in day dream it often happens in school. Some dumb terrorists just walks in from the front gate, I'm usually on floor 2 or 3, and I always magically have a sniper rifle, and I would follow the good ol' rule to shoot and run and change places. And I always finish the fantasy with me on the rooftop, actually me running a little while with an RPG on my shoulder, and firing it on the rooftop with a smirk on my face and it blows up the enemy's van, which is parked in the front yard of the school.

Now that I've said it out loud I should prolly create a new one, and frankly I'm a little embarrased. How the hell does that still take place in school?

No no.

Oh I almost forgot again, something I want to tell you.

Maybe all Gale Encyclopedias aren't so bad. Yeah, I've read 2 bad ones. I stopped when I found the garden herb one I told you about, but this Encyclopedia of Philosophy, I think it might be alright. I still don't like the organization, it doesn't make sense, but you can tell this is a more competent team and there is effort put into it. And at least they kept the bulk of the older version so I'll learn something. And it's obvious to you why I need to read it. Obviously.

You know I just found another reason why feminism is indispensible in this day and age. In the intro they mentioned there haven't been many new schools of thought lately, like in the last half century. At first I was dismayed, I was like fuck off. Then I thought about it. They're right. They're right, you know. There really haven't been many new schools of thought. And hilariously, feminism and the philosophy of love and sex are some of the only new ones, the others being "applied ethics"- they filed AI under that? - & then some. Then it makes sense. It's, it's like an empire in need of an heir. If that heir is born late, and ugly, and incompetent, and generally useless, they'll have to embrace it anyway.

You don't want people walking around saying they haven't had any new thought in the past 40 years. They don't want it. So they have to cling on to it, because it's new.

I mean, yeah, of course it's new. And this as a discpline of course does have its merit. Nobody really has heard a woman's voice on these particular issues before. They were non-issues back then, not discussed.

I guess my proble is I don't see a good outcome. Discussion in this case can't bring so much progress. You can ask a linguist how fucked are we. It really is too late. It really is a dystopian study. Some feminists today seem reckless, but that's not totally incomprehensible when you look at how hopeless the case they're fighting against is. The sort of understanding the egalitarians try to achieve is not mutual, but sort of universal, and that is a problem. It means instead of merely trying to understand one another, both sides try to achieve dominance and bring a conclusion everyone should agree on. It's not about accepting our differences but bringing one side to defeat. This not only doesn't seem productive but it's just, it also seems detrimental.

I don't know. It isn't a zero sum game, you don't gain something because you lose the others. I honestly don't believe the universe works that way because for a great number of people the sum is never zero, they're huge positives or negatives. Even the inbetweeners don't have a zero sum. It just doesn't work that way.

I can never bring myself to buy fake flowers, can you?


I actually will remember the harsh finance lesson I learned last night - forever. I must try to act accordingly.

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