Sunday, August 27, 2017

People have nothing to say

Oh yeah, 9 times out of 10, myself included- people have nothing to say. Talking is a social gesture, it's not meant for intellectual development of any kind.

As you can tell I'm a pretty asocial person.

And I was just thinking the other day, you know, the college I went to - typical American college - charges $3200 per class, or per credit, or something like that. I had to calculate it at one point because by the end of freshman year I decided it's overpriced and I'd like to graduate early. And ever since I sat in class I would think vehemently: "this fucking class isn't worth $3200. Are you fucking kidding me? This isn't worth $3200. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!"

The curious thing is I have never said "fuck" once out loud in my entire life. I don't think I'm capable. But yeah, diary. That's what I thought sitting in classes. I thought about how bad I was getting fucked by this deal. I felt like they stabbed me and I was bleeding uncontrollably.

This is with scholarship, by the way. Without that I have no doubt I would drop out within a year.

I fucking hate bad deals. There are nothing but bad deals sometimes.

What class can possibly be worth over $1000? Nada. None! Holy FUCK.

Not Harvard, not MIT, not Yale, not fucking Caltech is worth that kind of price. It's not about affordability, it's the principle of the thing.


People have nothing to say. When I saw the vacant look on some of my professors' face, I... you could tell, you could tell they crammed for the lecture as much as some of the students crammed for the test. I felt scammed so bad. If they could hire sub par faculty with nothing to say at a school with this reputation, then prayer isn't going to help the rest.

And to think, they would lure students to seminars with "pizzas" and "cookies". I always felt embarrassed for them. As if the scholars alone don't have enough merit to attract these students.

I felt sick every day.

It's all so backward, you know.

Anyway. If people have nothing to say when you pay them, you bet they SURE AS FUCK don't have anything to say for free. Every time someone says "hi" to me I want to slap them across the face. I never done it, I'm too much of a lady irl. Lately I can't reconcile that fact with how violent my thoughts have always been. I'm afraid that one day I'm walking on the street, if someone approaches me and starts chatting up, I'll grab them by their collar and give them a fair warning they'll never forget.

I'll never do it, of course. Because despite my patience running low since I was a teen, I still got remarkable self-restraint. Plus, I don't want to ever give up the advantage of looking civil. It's a slippery slope, if I let it happen once time sure it'll happen again. No. I'll just walk away.

I came close the once in Seattle. I told you about that, right? Fuck that place. You think it's full of computer nerds, a placid paradise, but there are a surprising number of crass bald-headed cunts living there.

Yeah thanks diary, I'm calmer now.

So GoT finale is tomorrow, and I can't wait for the disappointment. The first moment I have both of the facts that there are 3 dragons and a night king who can turn people, I knew a dragon is going to be turned. It's really a fairly small sandbox. I'm guessing one of the other dragons is going to die fighting the ice dragon? Anyway, that was the most anti-climax moment. The whole idea of the white walkers is really unimaginative and out of place. They're supposed to be Westeros' biggest threat yet they have such a weirdly laughable presence even now. Oh Good Lord.

At least 20 minutes of future espisodes, a whole fuckton of time, is going to be dedicated to Dany looking at the ice dragon all perplexed. Her eyebrows are going to go like this /  \  like this )  \  like this  ~  ~  like this @#$&*%#)^@*&()#@*^_@^*)_  and her eyes are going to stay like this  O  O

E  M  O  T  I  O  N  S

"How do I make it more realistic?"

-  asked GRRM, and answered himself  -

"Oh hell yeah! I'll add 'shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker & tits'!"

Maybe not literally, but everyone can take a page from Georgie's playbook.

It's sad, it's really sad.  It's really really really sad.

I have said enough "fuck" ever since I became unhinged, does that make it more realistic to you? Of course not. Who is perpetrating all these false ideas?

Do you remember the poems I wrote when I was 14? Good times, eh? I didn't know what I was talking about.

I'm definitely more real than I was back then. I don't know if you can see it as a tradeoff.

I'm more honest with my thoughts and feelings ... on the other hand, I have lost my critical willpower and patience. In the grand scheme of things, I don't know... I guess you can almost certainly say what I lost is more precious than what I gained.

But this is about living as a human. I don't know if that fundamentally contradicts with living as God's Faithful. In late years, I began to feel it's important to live as a human and to understand humanity. Because if you're born as a human, shouldn't you understand it?

Shouldn't you understand what humanity is all about? Or is that not important?

Diary, look...

Ever since I talked about how mom justified the majority with the sheer entity, a thought has been coming back to me... so what if it's right? You know?

If principles are not universal, or perhaps it's two principles I didn't differentiate- while it's true that the majority's decision might not be right among humans, but the norm is right in the universe?

And us as the aberration needs to be eradicated?

Everybody praises life. With life, we can think about what is right. Without life, we can be right. - That is, if only if it is true. Right?

People as a species has one goal, that is to fight for its continuation. Right? No matter what.

And nothing else matters. And in that, perhaps they all use a different set of principles, and it would be right for their purpose.

They can't care about the "grand scheme of things", as in for the universe.

Small scale game. Big scale game.

Small stake game... Big stake game.

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