Tuesday, August 22, 2017
I had a call with mom earlier today. I learned she is still disappointed in me. I had to dig it out of her for my own joy and pain, that she still thinks she would rather have a normal child to begin with. I asked if she had a choice, what would she choose... and she said she would be happier with the 99%, and not the 1%. She kept justifying everything with the 99%. The 99% must be right about everything because it's the 99% that are doing it.
She always loathed what I have and pitied what I don't have. She sees that I'm missing out on a lot... I don't. I don't want it.
Diary, it's hurtful only bc it's my mom. My mom won't get it. She doesn't approve precisely because of what I have that others don't. I don't understand. She would prefer if I did worse for myself. How can I possibly understand it?
I don't understand how something must be right just because most people are doing it. Yet it is a belief so unshakable to her.
I haven't turned out like either of my parents, diary. Where... when did I lose the family resemblance?
Where do I see them in myself?
She sees my fate as a misfortune.
It's the only thing I have, diary.
It's true. I don't have a fortune. But I have fate.
I have God. It's guiding me.
I don't have anything else. I don't have confusion.
I don't go through life with most people's desires or fears.
There is so little that I do have.
I have a fate, and a drive to fulfill it. Any material I gain along the way I don't see ownership.
I don't have anything else.
I don't need... I don't even want anything else.
Isn't it enough that the 99% have what they have? Why do I have to have it, too?
Oh mom. I understand your pity now. What's top 1% is the bottom 1% in your eyes. That's OK.
You want me to be happy, it's just I don't see the happiness you have in mind.
How do you communicate that?
Maybe she is better off with an ordinary kid. Maybe indeed 99% of people are better off with an ordinary kid?
But what do I care? I'm here. I'm not even that different.
It's a small step people don't want to take. It's a fine line people don't want to cross. I crossed it when I was little. So, it is.
They say faith is an intangible thing. Even Good Faith, I mean.
Are you sorry, diary?
Am I sorry?
Who are we responsible for?
Whose pride or regret are we?