Tuesday, May 9, 2017
I think my jealousy just peaked. I just found out... it occurred to me just now some people... plain people, just for having the same interest, can get the best of both eras, they have been... there are people like those throughout the history. I can't even talk straight rn.
My jealousy. Everybody talks in terms of "timeline" now. Well, ok, timeline. This timeline sucks. I mean, no offense to God, but this timeline sucks for me. There is pressure I put on myself, my duty, the trouble I already have to circumvent by concealing a whole lot of shit, now this? Come on. They can just... they can just simply do this. I can't ever. Not even under any guises. Oh My God. Why?
I am jealous, so very jealous, and angry. I want it. Goddammit it looks so good. I WANT IT.
It wouldn't be historically accurate.
I can steer the world into a new direction - if I devote my life to it. It blows my mind these people are easily living the lifestle that... which... if I had, I probably wouldn't even bother changing the world.
Is that a bad thing?
What this told me- while I can appreciate it- is to be very careful with regressiveness, and about living in the past. History, history. We're all fascinated with the glamorous side of history, mesmerized by the romanticization of it. I need to keep my head clear. Fundamentally, it's ideas, abstract concepts that can pass for Truth that count, not lifestyle or cathartic releases.
Though as a human- I am a human, after all, jealousy is part of it. The less than complete emotional package I'm born with. A lot of appreciation, a little bit of hate, a whole lot of annoyance and a bundle of jealousy.
Honestly, dear diary. Every day I feel no other than these emotions. Desire, Strong Desires, Fantastical Desires, jealousy as some by-product, constant disappointment, then good feelings such as small wonder, absolute deadly calm and assuring arrogance. On an average day, there is really no other.
So I'll work on the issue, not let it get in the way. But I feel difficult moving forward knowing that I am deprived of such an interesting thing. I think it's a sign. If it's so easy to them, then it must be wrong. - To some degree. That's not the way the world is going...
Yes, there are more important things. Things that concern people, and more people care about them. God would want me to focus on the right things. That means letting go of my personal interest, which is really, really, intensely attractive to me, but irrelevant to the world. God this is hard.
No. I should not be jealous. Though it comes so natural to me, I must, I MUST scrape it.
Praise God, may I have strength.
Edit: I opened a window at 4am and there is a smell of lavender on the street. Most surprising. This town is great.
at May 09, 2017