Wednesday, May 3, 2017


Technically, it's a new day already. So.

I can't get over how many people I get right now. This new... knowledge, sympathy, no... empathy, whatever you call it, is almost sensational.

I used to say things like this a lot: "I don't get those people/this kind of people" and just write them off as a whole. I guess it's easier. But once you do understand people, you... this is new to me. All those people that "didn't exist", all of a sudden make sense now. It's weird being able to understand them. I guess I'm too perceptive... or sensitive, if that sounds self-congratulating somehow, and judgmental. Being judgmental is hard work. You look at someone, or something, and you can't just take it for what it is- you have to figure it out for yourself whether you like it or not. Not all judgmental people voice their opinions, those who do are known as assholes. But it's really an instinct and an impulse for the self. And not only you must take a stance as soon as possible- that's the least important- you also must wonder about implication, a lot of times seemingly remote yet profound- this thing or person has on you.

If you write it off you don't have to worry about it anymore. Or say "ok" and let it go, but I don't think that's how it works. The negative is often the default. Maybe I don't have the power of positive thinking. Except that I do, and I only realized recently- that I have always been ultra-positive and an extrovert. You must judge these things based on action and feedback. No matter how I feel, the facts are I am an extrovert who never enjoys hanging out with introverts, and my feats are all done because I have total disregard and zero preparation for failure.

How does this happen?

I sink into these thoughts.

I probably shouldn't say anything. It's a sensation. I suppose most people feel it, pass through it, and get on with their lives. It's amazing how people can do that, don't you think? They can kill someone, and think maybe a few hours afterward: so I'm going to prioritize eating before thinking about this thing now, because I'm hungry. And once they start eating everything seems alright again, and they get on with their lives. Or picture a mother, just giving birth to her child and focusing on the moment. It seems so specific, and all the abstract yet concrete changes that come with the new life do not enter her head at all. People do the most incredible things and they all move on. It's silly to jump to the conclusion that "nothing has meaning" from there; some "philosophers" do- a lot of ancient philosophers don't necessarily know more than modern day peasants- and they get praised for it. No. It's incredible.

This entity... this collective...

From the beginning, you know nothing. Then you immediately learn to breathe, to look, and to walk. I think, if you have reached a point where you have all your questions answered, which luckily for basically all is impossible, your life should end now. Those who die by others, it's written in their destiny. Those who kill themselves, they are bogged down by emotions, worldly struggles, a general loss of hope. Neither seems right, but what is a just death, anyhow? And perhaps neither is this, but the end of life isn't necessarily corporal. You don't even need to argue whether this is from a dualist or not. The death of personal purpose is the end of the individuality, and the purpose of mankind is to get questions answered.

Yeah, we do a lot of things when we feel like doing them. Even great things like giving birth or killing people. But I always see it as sort of a question. The impulse is, "what if I do this right now?" Selecting one food over another -"I wonder what this taste like more than that". Bacon lovers, their tastebuds don't sustain the taste of bacon forever. So they need frequent reminders. Is it a need? Nobody needs bacon, particularly. The liking is a form of curiosity, in my opinion. If you are curious about the taste of your own piss, you will drink it. I guess the difficulty is "you can't be curious about something you already know". But that is what "nostalgia" is, I think. If that's the wrong word, just "something you want to learn/'get answered' repeatedly". A recurring question, a question that renews. All the things people do to impress others, they wonder if they still got their charm.

Questions, questions...

I see life as a huge list of questions and answers. The emotions... are a lot, but they are byproducts. The physical beings... all vessels, metaphors.

Do you live in reality, or the abstract world?

This sensation will wear off. Time... Time will always tell. Isn't it amazing that God has created all these parallels?

A giant machine may know better than any of us. But no machine, no number of them will be as insightful as God. The lives are for God to see, for you and I can only see so little. I wish to see what God is seeing. I hope to know what God is asking... I want to know God's question. Yet, I only know... I think I know... the Answer is in us.

Praise God.

No comments:

Post a Comment