Sunday, April 23, 2017

I choke

Praise God.

I dreamed all my family in this little shop. I was buying flower and water sprinkler for mom. It's a store-restaurant complex. By the time we left it was late and dark, and there was a flight to catch. I forgot about the stuff. I went back to fetch the things.

Then in another dream dad and I argued. Dad choked me to death. I distinctly remember looking down and saw his hands locked around my neck and I felt difficult to breathe. I remember "dying". It was so shocking that I woke up and never fell back to sleep.

It's a rare occurrence. In my dream I fall, I get chased, I see a lot of things, but I rarely get choked to death by my own father. It only reminded me of how much he hates me. Or on the other hand, on a more positive note, the fact that I have distanced myself as much as possible. I quite often think consciously whether this or that trait of myself, this or that habit I have or thing I do is affected by my father.

I'm old enough to straighten things for myself. My aversion toward academia is not going away. But that's not all.

By the end of the dream my thought had completely drifted away. Academia is just a corner of the vast world I hate. My disdain for academia- not science, mind you- may have something to do with him, but everything else, that's on me, and the world.

I'm trying so hard. I try to be tolerant. I tried. I am still trying. You have to believe me. My values have been established a long, long, long time ago. It is not compatible with the world.

Clearly, there are other approaches I can take. I do have a comfort zone, and I am very reluctant to leave it. If it has come to that...

They say you have to have the ability to attract talent, and I am certain that the applications I received are from those so-called talent. But let's face it, there isn't so much talent in the world. Good looks, on the other hand, in comparison, is abundant. The ratio of attractive people to talented people is about 1000:1.

That's my conclusion.

A moralist will say the first rule of a moral life is to not see people as means to an end but an end itself. There is so much myth about everything.

A normal person to me must seem deranged to ordinary people.

I don't think I'm ever taking off this mask.

Because everybody is busy, nobody has time to pay attention to little details. So people like me can treat this with efficiency. But if you look at the broad landscape, it's still pretty startling. The fabrics of people's lives... ultimately, that is what's being judged on. Not mine. If I'm an outlier, mine doesn't even count. Do you see? I am not delusional.

No. God's biggest judgment is passed on humanity and not any individual. God may bind a select few with a unique fate, but the bulk of society will always count more, as it should. I know how trivial I am in the grand scheme of things, but that's one thing that makes the whole game interesting.

You see?

I know exactly what my place is. I know the majority dictate the game. I agree with that justice.

History always favors one kind of people, or so it seems. So long you are a human, humans' chosen one is the one that matters to them. When the candidates are different, it's Men's Chosen One VS God's Chosen One.

Men win Unless...

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