Saturday, April 15, 2017
Do Your Thing
1. NKB underway.
I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what I can tell you, what I should.
It can't be about work, it can't be anything important enough that I should talk about anywhere else.
Feeling is pretty useless. I might not have that much feeling to share. Feeling is temperamental. It's temporary. I always forget.
I can't take you with me when I'm out.
I'm not one to endure the fatigue of a party, I can tell you that. People can party till morning and dust off and go to work. I need 10+ hours of sleep to compensate for the HP lost.
Will there be a day when every thing works, though? Can I stop expecting maintenance to be done for this or that? Can things stop needing to be fixed?
I used to feel like I live in a vacuum. Everything else isn't important, it's just...
I hope I can still do that. Truth is, I have a deep fear... it feels very real. It's probably the only feeling that has been consistently present throughout the day, and even in my dream. The various nightmares are all tinged with the similar, familiar horror... it feels very real.
So much of it is just us not letting.
It's steering one way or the other, there is no stopping. And I need to know, there is no turning back. The small number of us are pivotal, to God, and to history, maybe, hopefully. If the world is as large as the one I'm seeing, then I've seen it all... but that's exactly how I know it's not. There is a broader landscape that needs better investigation skills to scout out.
And, personally, what I want stays the same. When I was little, I wanted to see the world burn, and I'd be a hero to its rescue. If I fail, at least I get to see the world on fire.
I've come to realize that it's not some complex they tell you in books. This desire is actually very common. It's not particular to any group of people, just humanity in general. How fascinating.
People disappear all the time. I wonder what trace we leave behind. If, at all.
Traces, traces.. only terrible traces stick around.